DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

He's moved into your place from his parents? Has he ever lived on his own as a full adult responsible for all bills on his own?

These guys who lived with their parents, then move right in with gfs and start with controlling stuff like no heat so they can save a couple of £s usually aren't so great in the long term because they have always been taken care of. They expect that. He expects you to do without heat when cold can affect things like your immune system and trigger things like asthma. But he can save a couple of pounds.

The mind boggles at what some of these dudes come up with.

Work out what he would pay in an equivalent flatshare if he were privatelyrenting a room, knock off £50 or £100 and charge him that. Explain that this is fairer and will help you to avoid resentment and squabbles over heating. I wonder if he's not had to pay anything at all living with family, and having to pay out money is horrifying him! Seriously - how dare he tell you not to turn your own heating on and to be angrywith you. How utterly unreasonable and rude.

I think this would affect how I viewed a new partner very badly, and might well be the beginning of the end for me.

Work out what he would pay in an equivalent flatshare if he were privatelyrenting a room, knock off £50 or £100 and charge him that. Explain that this is fairer and will help you to avoid resentment and squabbles over heating. I wonder if he's not had to pay anything at all living with family, and having to pay out money is horrifying him! Seriously - how dare he tell you not to turn your own heating on and to be angrywith you. How utterly unreasonable and rude.

I think this would affect how I viewed a new partner very badly, and might well be the beginning of the end for me.

That's not true- her outgoings benefit him. He gets the benefit of shelter, he gets to use OP's shower, sleep in a bed that he hasn't bought, relax on a sofa she paid for and so on! If he had to pay for the equivalent elsewhere it would come to far more than her half of the bills.

....and in your own home. Goodness get rid. Red flag

To be honest, I don’t think this relationship has longevity. He sounds resentful of you being a homeowner and better paid than he is, loads of men get insecure over that. You moved him in to test the waters and I don’t think it’s working out.

The only person here that seems triggered is you? You asked for opinions, people are giving you their opinions, then you’re offended about said opinions and keep going on that people want you to be a sugarmummy.

IMO the only way this would make sense is to treat him like a lodger - he gives you a set amount and then you do whatever you want. It’s clear you’re both in different financial situations and what is inconsequential to you, seems to be a financial worry to him.

It could be a learned thing too, if he grew up in a household that was sparing with heat. I'm holding off on turning the heating on in my house too. It is your house though. Talk to him, find out his reasoning behind it (he may be anxious to save for your future) and agree on a time to put it on, and hour or two a day etc. When you want it on needs to be considered also

He's getting a bloody great deal.

You're getting an ok one (a small contribution to bills).

He needs to STFU or move out.

Like a pp said, I bet you're actually paying a fair bit in other bills too - water, internet, phone line, home upkeep, house insurance, etc etc.

Hmm. This would be a red flag for me.

He thinks you should freeze your tits off in your own flat because he pays the bill?

This is financial abuse.

Lily 0o ….
just came on here to say

its never too soon to start asserting yourself in your own home.

I think would be better if he just gave you a set amount each month which you could pay the bills out of

I also think so. Moving straight from his parent’s house to yours means is used to being subsided and not yet in the real world. I would give him a chance to redeem himself otherwise see it as a major red flag. As a woman, you only have a small window of time if you want to have kids and it’s important not to waste that time on someone, who will never see you as an equal partner.

What do you do for jobs?

I agree with the vast majority of voters and posts. He is getting an amazing deal, were he in a flatshare or studio it would be much more. If he prefers to go back to his parents where he presumably didn’t contribute at all (?) send him back there.

Tbh either way I’d be asking him to leave because even if he was paying the majority of costs in your household rather than a mere £400, it still would’ve been a red flag to throw it in your face like that. But it makes it that bit worse when you consider he’s only paying a 1/4 of what you do and has the potential to save loads.

I understand why you spent time rebutting some of these absurd posts expecting you to bankroll a man who earns 3K a month, but best not to focus on that minority too much.

Think about what you’re going to do to resolve this and how to raise the issue with your boyfriend.

I like the idea of showing him the front door myself 😆 but if you want to be more diplomatic perhaps suggest he pays a fixed amount that’s slightly less than the cost of a bills inclusive flatshare in the area.

This will obviously mean he’s paying a lot more overall, but I think it’s actually more fair. He needs to grow up and appreciate how much things cost.

He is being really tight. Tell him it’s your home and you will put the heating on when you see fit. If he doesn’t want a nice warm flat he can move back to his parents house, who I expect paid all the bills there.

Gosh. It's extremely generous of you to charge him no rent at all. Given that, he's got no right to complain about heating bills when he's not paying any rent or mortgage!!

Not RTFT, but spotted that he'd moved straight from Mummy's into DPs house so bill paying at all has probably come as a shock to him as he has no frame of reference of CoL and has lead a sheltered life. 😅

OP this is your flat, you should be able to turn on the heating whenever the fuck you like, DP needs a reality check and seriously needs to consider whether he wants to live with you or not since he may pay for the heating but you pay for the fucking roof over his head. (And quite frankly he's getting a good deal if you're not asking for anything towards the interest payments of your mortgage which is basically the rent you pay to the bank)

I don't think its LTB territory yet but I wouldn't put up with much dictating about how warm you want your house to be! (Also I'm fairly sure men are more comfortable at lower temps then women, I remember an article about office aircon temps being set to male preferences) also tight arsedness when you have a fair bit of disposable income is never a good look. Xx

This is the problem, OP. He has not come from living independently, so has no idea how much it actually costs to be a renter. He has such a great deal, living with you.

FWIW, my DH had a lodger. When his lodger decided to move out, I moved in and paid what the lodger had been paying—fair market rent. We did eventually marry, yet before that time, I didn’t view him as a free home provider. Your DH is comparing this to his mum’s, but you’re not his parent. He owes you market rent.

I think the OP has got a really hard time here, unfairly so.
To answer the question about what's fair & reasonable I want to pose a question? If the OP didn't have a mortgage what would be a fair amount for the partner to pay? Are people really suggesting that 50% of utilities & food would be acceptable - that is utterly ridiculous, the partner is also benefitting from living in the house, nicer area, more space, ability to have guests & friends stay, by paying less a more luxurious lifestyle & the ability to save, they might be closer to their workplace, the list goes on.....
The OP has higher utility bills, has lost single person council tax discount & an extra person living in the flat creating a higher level of wear & tear etc......
And yes before anyone asks, my partner lives with me in my house they do not have & will never have a stake in my property - we are adults, we looked at the house costs, our incomes, how much a small flat house would be, what could be achieved if the money was invested instead but we also looked at the fact that I live in an expensive area & he wants to live in our area

Op, he is totally taking advantage of you, and he must be stupid not to know it.

No one would utter those words to me in MY house! Out the door with him...

@Lily0o he’s being ridiculous and you know it. The main red flag for me is that you had an agreement before he moved in to your home at a much discounted price. He was happy with that agreement until he realises he may have to put up more than £500 out of his £3k wages for the winter period only. He surely knew how the bills were sorted and if money really is an issue for him should have put money aside (from his very healthy disposable pot of cash) for the winter. This is where I feel uncomfortable- for the increased cost of 1-2 hrs of heating per day he’s happy for you to be in discomfort. When he’s laughing all the way to the bank anyway with the savings you’re enabling him to have - absolute piss taker! I would say though if you can just fix your energy bills for the year - it does mean no surprises and no drama re these sort of situations.

Whilst he is being a fool, I think these are normal little arguments to find yourself in when you start living with someone for the first time and you will both work out ways to come to compromises / which battles are worth fighting if you stay together long term. Hopefully he realises quite quickly he’s being a fool - if he didn’t I would be chucking him back.

He’s heard this at home and clearly thinks it’s reasonable. You need to teach him very quickly it isn’t or bin him off.

I was in this situation but reverse and I paid my partner rent and we split the bills, therefore it felt more fair. It makes much more sense this way. I understand that you don’t want him to have a claim on the house but the arrangement you have clearly isn’t working. He probably shouldn’t have moved in.