DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

Hopefully Mr Tightarse has seen the error of his ways now.

Love to see OP sticking up for herself!

You are right, he could use the saved £ to buy something himself or something together while you keep yours.

£500 pcm is chicken change.

He's shown his true colours.
User.
Cheeky man. Getting a pretty much free ride and still complaining.
Show him the door. Don't try and keep him.

Why do you think so many women on here end up with cock lodgers?

They literally think it’s their job to bankroll some golden dick.

He pays electric gas and council tax. He does pay most of the bills. I pay for water. Food shop is pretty half and half.

@Lily0o How much do you pay each month for water, tv, internet and half the food?

Plus do you pay for the contents insurance?

I bet his "most of the bills" isn't as substantially more than yours as the implication in "most" makes.

Everyone’s situation is unique. I pay the mortgage solely on my house, as you point out it’s an asset. I split the bills with my bf, we go all in on a joint account to pay the bills, food, days out, save for a holiday, pets, everything. We were doing it proportionally so I was paying 50% more than him as I earned 50% more than him after tax.

However we switched it up recently as I was feeling a bit hard up paying the mortgage plus that. He also had a promotion. Now he pays 1100 into the joint and I pay 900 into it and I put 200 extra to overpay the mortgage. I feel more comfortable and secure now. Perhaps we’ll marry one day and it will be a joint asset anyway. I’m happy he is able to put money away into his own saving account for his own security with this arrangement.

sometimes you have to flex things taking into account people’s changing situation and feelings so that both are happy again. What money do you both have left over after bills and mortgage is paid? Is that fair? Your mortgage is much higher than mine which may be skewing things. I would ask him in a calm way what he’s thinking, does he think the current set up is unfair, and take it from there.

@Lily0o Absolutely this 👆 OP! Your expenses would go from £2,200pm to around £2,500pm and his would go from £500pm to closer to £2k - see how he likes 'them apples'! 😉

You are getting some strange math here from folks, OP! I feel your frustration. But, its not clear why you are supporting your partner? He seems to be earning just fine, he's not at home looking after kids or such. No reason for you to be subsidizing an able bodied adult male with a full time job. If he could get his own place, and pay mortgage he would. He can't so would be renting, so just charge him a fair rent+utilities, and make it a lump sum, and pay everything from your own account, so he can't try and skimp on heating or water because he is paying those bills.

Surely more reasonable in that scenario to treat him like a lodger and charge a rent that covers bills, rather than give him a free ride?

Anyway, now OP has explained that he moved in with her from living with his parents, it all makes more sense. He has no clue how good a deal he's got because he's never had to pay his own way.

I think all you can do is show him some examples of how much he'd pay for the equivalent space in a shared rental and let him see how much he's saving. If he doesn't get it after that, I wouldn't continue living together, as the resentment on both sides (even though he's not entitled to feel hard done by he evidently does) will kill it in the end.

I would suggest maybe it is better if you live apart as you don't enjoy having to feel cold in your own home. He can keep his own home as cold as he likes to save money. Be calm and sweet about it, totally reasonable. Watch him backpedal.

So he moved in with you straight from his parents' house?! It all makes sense now. Bet he was paying them £100 pcm all in plus meals and laundry and they'd have a go at him for putting the heating on instead of wearing a jumper or using a blanket. No wonder he feels hard done by at yours paying 500 quid OP😆. You've got yourself a manbaby.

Also late 20s and own my own place.

The comments on here are bizarre he's paying cheap change, if his attitude continues kick him out

Let me get this straight, your partner is living at your place basically scott free, i.e, no rent and pays nothing bar the couple of quid he has to pay for the utilities (presumably puts a bit towards the food shop and going out doing fun stuff?) and he's complaining about you having the fucking heating on?

Tell him to trot right fucking on and see how he likes paying for a rent or mortgage.

95% of votes and the majority of comments think YANBU. So, why are you almost exclusively responding to the minority who are chatting nonsense? How does that help you? What are you actually going to do?

When my DP moved into my house, I paid the mortgage and we split the bills proportionally to our salaries. (I paid more.)

Now we’re later down the line and we have a DD, we put all money in one pot. But our original arrangement above seemed fair to me when we were ar the stage it sounds like you’re at now.

My DP would never ever have told me not to put the heating on though! He’d go without himself but never expect me to. He’s a wonderful man: frugal and selfless.

Out of interest @Lily0o , what's he like with housework, cooking etc? Does he do his fair share or has he just substituted you for his mum?

I would tell him that it's fair that from now on he pays the market rent as a lodger and half the food which even in my city for just rent is £500 a month. And you put the heating on as you see fit.

Or you complain each time he walks into a room or sits on the sofa or boils the kettle because you pay for it.

But honestly I would probably tell him to go. I wouldn't let anyone tell me I couldn't have the heating on.

There is no too early about putting on heating if it's cold.

Like @ApplesCrumbleButtons , only we are both women, when I first moved into my now wife's home, we split all the house bills down the middle, as we earned fairly similar amounts.
If he's complaining about the heating and he's only contributing £500 or so a month, he has financial issues that he's not fully disclosed to you. He's getting a very good deal for around £100-125 a week, he wouldn't get that on spare room site!!!
Whether you are unreasonable for putting the heating on, if you're getting winds like we are, they are biting. We've had our heating on last week too. In the far north of Scotland, mind. Put your heating on, get snuggly under a blanket and get the dog to cuddle up to you. Soon be cosy.

You are paying his 25% of the council tax and the water bill. He’s hardly paying anything.

This ^

Bills should be 50/50, however his attitude isn’t great. What will he be like down the line with money? Are you both financially aligned, have the same values reg money etc?

He needs to pay rent or leave

OP - would you not be concerned that a man who seems to be both mean with money and controlling is living in your property? He seems ungrateful... that's not a good thing. You're doing him a massive favour and he's telling you that you can't be warm in your own place. That would be a red flag for me.

Wow, of course she’s being fair! Where else is he going to live with full use of a three bed house for the money he’s paying? Council tax and utility bills are definitely going to be £600 or less, if he was renting his own place he’d have those to pay as well as rent, it’s immaterial if you think it’s too early to have heating on, some people feel the cold more or don’t want to sit wrapped up in blankets. Her choice!