DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

[Lily0o]

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

I think your error has been asking him to pay specific bills.

Agree an amount that you are both happy with that he contributes and you pay all the bills.

By this I mean you have the direct debits but he pays you 400 or 500 a month. Or whatever amount you both agree is fair. That way he can't link the heating being on with an increase in his bills.

This sort of post is why we needed the laugh react.

You could turn it round and say why, when the boyfriend is earning £3000 a month and only paying £500 to live, does he feel the need to be so tight. Why, when he loves someone does he begrudge paying a small amount extra for their comfort?

Have you spoken about things since the argument and if so has he said why he was so frustrated? Do you know if he contributed anything to his living costs when he was with his parents? If not perhaps this is why he hasn't got a reference point for living costs. Perhaps he has realised he is quite far behind and has been trying to save up so that he too can own a property and the anxiety about the heating being expensive this winter came out in an inappropriate outburst. Financial discussions in relationships are not always straightforward, he may be feeling quite different now you are living together about the differences between you both in terms of money and the future. You need to ask him about it and talk it through.

No way should he be telling you you're not allowed to put the heating on.
He's paying peanuts!
If he doesn't want to cover all bills and you each pay 50/50, then he also needs to pay rent. Wherever he lives he needs to pay rent, why should he live there for free?

I’d go half’s on bills but I’d also charge him £600 per month so he’d be worse off if he was my boyfriend. YANBU

You are batshit, absolutely batshit!

I'm in Brighton. Glorious sunsets the last few evenings. Quite mild so far... not even coat weather really.

It sounds like an unworkable arrangement. I mean he is paying some of your costs like council tax? I think he has a point. So kick him out and pay your bills and put your own flipping heating on.

What next? Is he going to start rationing what you eat since he covers the food shop?

This^
its very unattractive quality to begrudge your partner basic things like food or heating.

Such imbalance in bill paying and home ownership is never going to work. I wouldn’t want to live in someone else’s house and nor would I want to have no control over who is using the utilities that I’m paying for. The situation is not going to work in my opinion.

OP pays out about £2200 per month and her DP pays £400 or £500 per month. He takes home over £3000 per month. Why on earth should she subsidise him to such an extent? It's ridiculous.

You should charge him a lodgers ‘all in’ rate which covers half off the estimate of all bills, half of the interest on the mortgage each month and a little bit towards wear and tear. I guess that would be about £750-800 a month?

I can run very cold due to a medical condition and my efficient heating in a well insulated has been on a couple of times recently (in Scotland).

Any man ever complained about it, it would be on a lot more even if I was hot.

@Lily0o Stick the heating on and wander around the house in your shorts for a day.

This. ^ Bet he's crap in bed too, and never lifts a finger around the house. Mean-spirited, tight-fisted men usually follow this same behaviour. Mean and tight through and through.

@Lily0o Kick him out. He's not your person.

He sounds miserly and controlling. You say it’s one fight over heating but this early in living together it is telling. If you want to stay living with him change the arrangement- you will charge him an amount for rent and bills of £500 a month - he is still saving a bomb!

He should be paying rent to live in a home. Bills should be split.

Obviously he shouldn’t be dictating to you like that but I do think it’s weird he pays ALL the bills!

It would be £750-800 a month in a sketchy part of Manchester. If he wants to live in Brighton it’s probably more.

I disagree as if he’s paying half the heating bills he will still try to tell her not to turn in on and waste his money. Unless he is using loads of electricity running a weed farm or a hot tub or something then op would do better to charge him a set rent per month all in, then this argument will go away. But it’s going to have to include the equivalent of half the bills, half the mortgage interest (as that is basically rent) half the service charge and something towards wear and tear. Maybe more like £1000 a month

He doesn’t

youve articulated the issue op, he’s only ever lived with his parents. He has no idea how cushy he’s got it ! He’ll kick himself if he thinks back on this in a few years when he’s renting and paying through the nose.

I would work out what portion of your mortgage is interest and then count that as a joint bill and split the bills 50/50.

Also none of the people like @Oaktreet who want me to do this are financially supporting anyone themselves. They are just viewing it on the side that THEY would want to be financially supported.

And @Oaktreet have you heard of interest?! A mortgage is not savings account! I’ll likely to be paying double of interest what I pay over my mortgage

I didn’t realise OP was paying bills too. Will change my vote. I assume others didn’t realise too, and if they did I think 100% would say you’re not being unreasonable!
Maybe it would have been better to total all bills and then ask for half so you don’t have individual responsibilities, but nether the less he shouldn’t have switched off the heating and been caused an argument…

Why? I pay £2200 a month he’s paying about £350-£400 a month. He has way more spare money than I do. Renting a 1 bed flat in Brighton is atleast £1000 a month (and that’s in a sketchy part).Thats before bills. Have you ever had an arrangement with a man where you’re covering most of their housing costs?

He pays electric gas and council tax. He does pay most of the bills. I pay for water. Food shop is pretty half and half.