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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP angry I put heating on as he “pays the bills” AIBU?

651 replies

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 17:09

Last week when the weather was colder I put the heating on. My partner got into an argument with me over this saying it costs a fortune and turned it off. Told me to use blankets. I got into an argument with him over this. He started on at me about money, as he’s paying the bills etc.

He does “pay the bills” as our financial arrangement is that I own my own flat, so I pay the entire mortgage (as it is solely mine) and he doesn’t pay rent but he covers the gas and electric, council tax and half the food bills. I lived with him over the summer where this obviously wasn’t an issue but now it’s coming to winter he’s starting to aggravate me. I think he’s annoyed about paying all the bills. But I think our arrangement is fair? If he was renting a flat this size it would cost him £2500 a month (it’s 3 bedrooms in Brighton) and he’s paying a few hundred pounds every month.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, maybe I am? Just looking for opinions.

OP posts:
Aluna · 06/10/2025 19:17

CloudSky · 06/10/2025 19:15

Congratulations on failing to read my post

Show quote history

I did.

What he might be doing is irrelevant. This is what he is doing. And if he’s pissy about paying all the bills - he can pay rent + 50% bills in which case he will be worse off than he is now.

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:17

Elsterhi · 06/10/2025 19:06

I don’t believe the op owns this property!!

this will be paid for by her housing benefit

and he’s moved in (without updating UC) and because it’s her council property, he’s paying the bills.

Show quote history

You seem to be an expert on council homes and benefits. I have no idea what any of that means but good luck to you 👍

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/10/2025 19:18

Elsterhi · 06/10/2025 19:06

I don’t believe the op owns this property!!

this will be paid for by her housing benefit

and he’s moved in (without updating UC) and because it’s her council property, he’s paying the bills.

Show quote history

Why do you think that?

OneFineDay22 · 06/10/2025 19:18

Elsterhi · 06/10/2025 19:06

I don’t believe the op owns this property!!

this will be paid for by her housing benefit

and he’s moved in (without updating UC) and because it’s her council property, he’s paying the bills.

Show quote history

You also can’t get UC to cover a 3 bed property as a single person. I think you’re bored or something

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:18

Elsterhi · 06/10/2025 19:06

I don’t believe the op owns this property!!

this will be paid for by her housing benefit

and he’s moved in (without updating UC) and because it’s her council property, he’s paying the bills.

Show quote history

If it makes you feel better and sleep at night to believe that then go for it 😅

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 06/10/2025 19:19

He's being a cheeky bugger saying that. I would be tempted to put him right about finances.
If my dh is cold he asks if we can have the heating on no matter how many times I've told him he doesn't have to ask. We have bottled gas in a park home so nothing like the price of normal gas. I think he asks because I supported the whole family for 15 years as he was not well enough to work and had no income, so I paid everything. He appreciates how difficult it was and doesn't take the piss.

CloudSky · 06/10/2025 19:19

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:03

I am paying around £2200 a month (with water, TV, internet, food), he’s paying £350-£400 a month. I don’t have it “cushy” I worked hard and saved up and brought my own apartment. He was living with his parents when he met me. He makes over £3000 a month and is paying around £400 a month which is insanely cheap for where we live. Do you financially support anyone by any chance? Probably not. I’m saving about £200 a month. That’s nothing.

Show quote history

I also worked hard and saved up for my own property. Not sure what that has to do with it? Having someone move in and pay your bills is pretty handy, I’m sure anyone would like that to happen so all their money can go into their property. My DP moved in and I still pay mortgage and bills. He had another property he was having to pay for and deal with. He’s done significant work on my house though so I do consider that as a form of payment up until this point.

If he had no intention of buying a house and would be renting anyway then no I don’t think it’s unreasonable, but personally I think a set amount a month would cause less issue.

pinkyredrose · 06/10/2025 19:20

Bobiverse · 06/10/2025 17:14

You’re being unfair. If you don’t want to charge him rent, that’s your choice. But you can’t make him pay all the bills. Bills should be 50/50. You’re eating your cake and having it too.

If you charged him a fair rent, then you’d be paying 50:50 bills and he’d probably end up paying around the same, but be less impacted by the winter increase in heating.

Because you don’t want to charge him rent, you’re making him pay all the bills. He’s not really saving anything, you’re getting the same money off him but making sure it’s documented so he doesn’t have any claim on your house. That’s fine; you don’t want him having a claim on your house, but you’re still essentially charging him to same as you would have.

You’re trying to keep full claim on your home and don’t need to pay any bills. Even though they can increase quite a lot.

You know that you can charge him rent and he doesn’t get a claim on your property, right? Just like a lodger.

Charge him rent, and split the bills 50:50 so that you absorb some of the winter fees.

(this is assuming that he’d live in a flat share with rent and bills split rather than a 3 bed house, or be a lodger elsewhere).

Edited

Incel alert!

How can you say 'he's not really saving anything'? 🤔

ARichtGoodDram · 06/10/2025 19:21

I am paying around £2200 a month (with water, TV, internet, food), he’s paying £350-£400 a month.

I think if you'd mentioned earlier that he is not actually paying all the bills many of the replies would be different.

If you're paying water, TV, internet and food then how much does that come to?

What's he paying for specially - gas, electric and what else?

Who pays for the insurances? Presumably you pay the buildings insurance, but what about contents insurance?

How much more than you is he actually paying on bills?

BusyExpert · 06/10/2025 19:22

It was cold damp and miserable last week and we had our heating on. I am amazed at the number of people here saying it’s too early to put the heating on as though you are at fault here.
the issue is that he is cribbing when he has a really good financial deal. It suggests a miserable tightwad and that is very hard to live with , I suspect that this trait will become even more pronounced as time goes on and you will find him more and more difficult to live with.
really it boils down to how much you like him. If you don’t want to end the relationship I suggest that you set up a proper rental agreement with no mates rates. It might make him reflect on his behaviour.

Petitchat · 06/10/2025 19:23

Tagyoureit · 06/10/2025 17:13

God lord, I could not live with someone who moaned at me for turning on the heating when its cold.

Me too.
My DH always jokes, that's 50p please.
He wishes!!! 😊

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:23

NimbleDreamer · 06/10/2025 19:16

This is the most sensible answer. He pays his half of the bills and she pays the other half. If he wasn't living there then she would have to pay for everything. She pays all of the mortgage as he doesn't have any rights to the property.

However the main issue is that instead of discussing things in a sensible way he started an argument which to me would show that he wasn't mature enough to live with and I would therefore probably get rid.

Show quote history

But that’s not reasonable. Only a mug who is looking to be used for their money would accept that. I’m 99.9999% sure you have never had that arrangement with a man before in your life yet you expect me to. Nobody gave me money to buy I house. I had to rent and save for a deposit (in Brighton!!) which was insanely hard. My partner could have saved money if he wanted as he lived with his parents which wasn’t an option for me as they live miles away from where I work.

OP posts:
RubySquid · 06/10/2025 19:23

Nearly50omg · 06/10/2025 17:37

He’d be paying £1,500 a month on rent alone if they split that! He’s clearly paying a lot less than that just paying basic bills and HE is costing the OP more as she debt get her single person council tax reduction now too!

Show quote history

Hd may not He might not want a 3 bed flat and be fine in a houseshare with bills included

pinkyredrose · 06/10/2025 19:24

Op why did he move in, was it his idea or yours? How long have you been together?

GingerPaste · 06/10/2025 19:25

Blimey! Who’s king of your castle!? There’s no way I’d let some freeloading twat turn off MY heating in MY house.

eone · 06/10/2025 19:25

I'm in the 'chuck him out' camp.

He sounds tight fisted and it absolutely doesn't bode well for relationship. He doesn't love you if he begrudges you putting heating up when you are cold.

He gets a sweet deal and saves loads of money whilst trying to control you, beware. He doesn't see you as a long term partner. I get a bad feeling about him from your posts.

My gut feeling here is that he is living with you purely to save money. He will be gone once his saving target is reached and he can afford to buy something. Sorry.

I am a higher earner too and if this was my man I would tell him he can move out and pay rent.

BettysRoasties · 06/10/2025 19:25

He can pay 50% of the bills all of them not just the ones he currently is and shopping. And then can pay the op £400 in rent each month. Agreed signed as rent.

so his £500 becomes £650 and op actually
does become better off.

Netcurtainnelly · 06/10/2025 19:27

He sounds a Prince. Get rid.

BusyExpert · 06/10/2025 19:27

What a strange person you are

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 06/10/2025 19:28

PermanentTemporary · 06/10/2025 17:21

1 You’re allowed to decide to put the heating on in your home, whoever pays the bills.
2 Is he struggling to afford the bills? He probably is allowed to say something though not to moan.
3 How much does it actually cost to run the heating for say 2 hours? Are you tending to leave it on all night or something?
4 This rather unusual arrangement might not work?

If he's struggling to pay the heating bill while not having to contribute at all to rent/mortgage, then that's a whole other issue and not OP's problem to solve.

OP wants to be warm enough in her own home; that's not unreasonable.

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:28

BusyExpert · 06/10/2025 19:27

What a strange person you are

Me?? Why?

OP posts:
HarbourClankCat · 06/10/2025 19:29

Just bewildered by Mumsnet sometimes. Fully functioning man enjoys bed, board, bills, lodgings for £500 a month in Brighton.

Mumsnet - you hate him, you’re clearly on benefits, you’re taking advantage, you have children you’ve not told us about

Original poster
Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:29

GingerPaste · 06/10/2025 19:25

Blimey! Who’s king of your castle!? There’s no way I’d let some freeloading twat turn off MY heating in MY house.

Yeah I did put it on in the end but it caused an argument which is pretty ridiculous

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 06/10/2025 19:29

Lily0o · 06/10/2025 19:23

But that’s not reasonable. Only a mug who is looking to be used for their money would accept that. I’m 99.9999% sure you have never had that arrangement with a man before in your life yet you expect me to. Nobody gave me money to buy I house. I had to rent and save for a deposit (in Brighton!!) which was insanely hard. My partner could have saved money if he wanted as he lived with his parents which wasn’t an option for me as they live miles away from where I work.

Show quote history

I agree. They haven’t allowed for the amount of interest that you will be paying on your mortgage. That isn’t contributing to an asset. Why do you have to pay this and not him? And even him paying half of it isn’t fair. Because you contributed a deposit and that deposit is being used to reduce the amount of interest you have to pay.

A fairer still sum would be:-

0.5 MV of flat interest rate.

Plus half the bills.

Even that still isn’t really fair as the fact that you have a deposit will mean that the interest rate will be lower than on a 100% mortgage but that is starting to become a bit too detail oriented…. (I’m a mathematician - I only have details - the big picture is just a blob to me. 😉😂)

Pleasealexa · 06/10/2025 19:30

Op, something to consider...has he come from a background where money was very tight? Or is he unaware of heating costs..an example, does he think if you put the heating on suddenly his bills will go from £400 to £800?

I would first explore his thinking..of course it could be controlling tendencies but it could also be fear based on unlikely scenarios.

I remember a colleague at work, he earned a large income but controlled the heating at home, which caused arguments with his wife. Another male colleague was able to explain that what he was fighting over was probably £5 a day and given his income, it was really insignificant, the price of a coffee..however because he had grown up very poor his default was to worry about a big gas bill arriving.

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