Let partner’s ex know my address?

[newnameoctober]

My partner and his ex girlfriend split on not very good terms a couple of years ago. They have a young child who will be staying over for the first time this week at ours.
They were given equal responsibility (is that the right term?) by the courts but child lives with her and he has on a weekend since he works full time and she doesn’t work.
she’s never allowed him to know where they live (not a safeguarding issue I know for a fact, just because she likes to control), so he and his family members have always collected the child from a supermarket carpark.
she wants to bring the child over this weekend as she said she just can’t relax not knowing where they are. I thought what a nerve as my partner has never known where child lives!
the thing is I don’t want her coming to my house or knowing where we live either. Her new partner and my partner don’t get on for one, and I just want to keep some things private.
what should I do?

Can’t be bothered! Ha! He works all the hours god sends to look after those children. As I said, she’s only just allowed them to have their first sleepover at the age of 5. They go to bed at 7, finish school at what, 3? It’s hardly worth having them for a few piffle hours, especially as an hour of that is getting them and taking them home since they don’t live in our town. Did I mention he works full time?

If he’s been to court and only got weekends then there is more to this. If he didn’t want 50/50 then he’s not an equal parent is he? Of course it’s not the only possible reason but she does sound scared of him.

I think you are wrong to get involved with his parenting. You say the kid comes to your house do you parent for him?

my ex would of had a similar story about me. He was abusive. His current partner had a go at me for being controlling. She parents my kids when they are supposed to be with their dad. He stopped being abusive to me and the kids once she was parenting for him and he was trying to get her caught in his trap. They had a kid and the kid has had broken femur and other suspicious injuries over time. I don’t know if he’s still abusive or his kid with her is just unlucky but his current partner doesn’t have a go at me now and my kids tell me things that make me worry for her. Before me he had an another crazy ex and I believed him. Now I have learnt a lesson and would always believe another woman who makes accusations and if they are not true it doesn’t matter to me I don’t want such drama in my life. Fine if you want that drama but it’s his drama not yours don’t forget that. I also could not respect someone who didn’t want 50/50 and that time after school is not piddling?? If he’s getting weekends and you say after school is just piddling when is mum getting quality time?

Without a court order, my child is not going anywhere I do not know the location.

If he hasn’t bothered to go to court to get more time with his child and to find out where his child lives, that is his fault, not the mother’s.

he could parent more. Plenty of parents balance work and parenting. He could also choose to live close enough to his child to do school runs and be an involved parent.

he isn’t trapped. He is making a choice to be a less than involved parent.

I'm sorry, but you there is a reason handovers are in a public space.

I read this post thinking it was my life, but I don't have a partner and work full time.

Handover has to be in front of CCTV in a public space for my protection, our phones are set up for fast response should we need help, and my house is covered in CCTV.

You could do Clare's Law and my exes record is clean, however, I have been physically threatened, told he won't do it, but will hire someone to get rid of me etc.

Without physical proof in a letter or text, the police can't do anything and my ex has a clean record. I am also too scared to pursue it, the abuse is against me (not my child) and it is something to live with and endure to ensure my child's protection. I am not drip feeding, but I am also not going to display my reality on here.

In Court, the court weren't interested in the abuse against me. However, my DASU worker was instrumental in having it agreed that handover was in a public space. Three times we had to return to court as we couldn't agree, until the Judge noted that my ex and his legal team were unhealthily pursuing the need for our home address which was a red flag and highlighted it was not in the best interest of the child for the mother to live in such fear.

So, yes on paper there is no safeguarding issue BUT always read behind the lines. My ex now has a new partner, and I can guarantee that I am the abuser and won't know any of this. It is entirely my fault that she won't find anything on Clare's Law about him, but it isn't worth the risk and my child needs a Mum that is alive.

absolutely this.

The fact he took this all the way to court and only got EOW says a lot ! Please tread carefully here and protect yourself.

This.

You either know there is more to this OP or you are incredibly naive.

@Snorlaxo point about air tags would make everything else redundant. You would need to thoroughly search the children and their bags before leaving the car park and dumping any trackers if you found them. As they would belong to the ex I imagine that would cause a shit storm. If you called her to come back and take the tracker home she would probably insist on taking the children too.

The obvious solution would be for your partner to go to family court. The reasons for withholding addresses could be assessed there. Is there a reason why he hasn’t done that?

The child is 5, they split a couple of years ago, but the child has been collected from supermarket since they were born? So they split much longer ago than a couple of years ago? This doesn’t add up.

This.

Do a Clare's Law search.

Handovers in a public place, addresses not disclosed etc...has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship. It doesn't add up. She sounds scared.

They go to bed at 7, finish school at what, 3? It’s hardly worth having them for a few piffle hours, especially as an hour of that is getting them and taking them home since they don’t live in our town. Did I mention he works full time?

those "few piffle hours" are the bulk of the time most people spend with their children.

He could very easily go, once a week even, and take them out for an hour near where they live. As for "he works full time" what do you think most people do?

If in 5 years he's never been to court and been awarded more than EOW then there is a reason for it.

It’s also the exact same pattern that most people who have had to take their kids into protective custody because they’re at risk of domestic violence go through. I’ve done it, we started out as one hour at a contact centre. Then one afternoon. Then one daytime. Then one evening and so forth.

As for - if she was scared she would’ve put something in place. I’ve been through the court system, you do not end up there is something ends amicably, it’s long and stressful and expensive.

Have you considered that there’s a series of things that don’t add up?

No overnight stays - odd at best
No address - It’s off. My experience wasn’t amicable. I still know where the other parent lives. I wish they didn’t know where I lived, but it’s actually very hard to keep that a secret, it’s on every document regarding the kids.
Ex’s current partner hates him - why?
Court order - how did you end up with that? And for so little contact time too?
‘she’s controlling’ - course an abuser would say that.

How has he demonstrated that's he's bothered?

Has he been to court for access?

Does he push for more than one day every other week (that you've already said he parents sometimes pick up the DC).

Every minute of every hour is precious with growing children. I'm sad you think it's 'piffle'

And working all hours to look after the children, I'm assuming you mean paying child support to the parent who is supporting those children for 13.5 days a fortnight?

He didn’t just get weekends - that’s all he can do since she doesn’t live near us.

I'm so sorry but your responses are showing huge red flags. This is not meant to be a pile on at all, but look with fresh eyes at the responses you have received and the replies you have been given.

Your last comment is that EOW is all he can do as she doesn't live close to 'us'. Does it not give you red flags that a. Either she moved her children away (safety) or he moved away from his children? B. He must have a vague idea of where the children live so could certainly live closer (without the need to know her address) but has chosen a relationship over his own children?!

The responses given are possibly from women who have been in your shoes and come out the other side, or they are women who have exes just like this and know the truth of the matter.

Take a step back and look at everything you have put or imagine a friend has said it, I'm sure you'd suggest she threw him back :) Good Luck :)

She moved to be near her Nan.

Who told you that?

A few hrs is not nothing to a kid and can mean a lot. If there's no time to do it often that's ok, but it can mean a lot to a kid that you make time. It's great he's in regular contact, but your dismissiveness here doesn't show much understanding on your part.

Is it child or children? You can’t seem to decide.

you’ve been together a year - how long did you wait before meeting his child/ren?

TBF, I wouldn’t be thrilled with the idea of my child/ren staying over at the home of someone they barely know, and I’d want to know where they were too.

have you met his ex?

It was a typo. One child I’m referring to as they.

it’s mine and my partners home.
i waited a few months.
yes I have met her many times.

So howling have you known the child for?

and how long does the child normally stay at yours for?

I would probably like a lot of information about where my child was spending time too.

They meet in a car park. How far is he expected to travel to see his DC?

He knows the reason but won’t tell you, no idea why you are getting involved, chances are she already knows where you live.

I think it is really important for children to see their parents acting civilly to each other after divorce. He will get a clear message from all these car park pick-ups. I know she started it, but I wouldn't play tit for tat. Be the bigger person.

So you've been together a year and already live together? That's pretty quick moving for someone with a young child who wants to put that child's interests first.

My ex moved in with his new partner very quickly too. I'm sure she thinks she knows the ins and outs of our situation, just as I thought I did with his previous "crazy" ex.

Police put a restraining order on mine for coercive control. He wasn't allowed to contact me directly or indirectly. I refused to give him my new address, but he found it out anyway. I still don't know how as I know family and friends wouldn't have given it to him.

When he moved into his current house with his girlfriend he refused to give me his address saying I could find out where the DC were by installing life360 on my phone (meaning he'd be able to track me as well). A family law solicitor told me whilst ever I had parental responsibility I had a right to know where the DC were staying in case of emergencies.

Anyway, they are older now and DC themselves have told me his address. I never approach the house to collect them, I park around the corner and then phone them to come out.

Please don't assume the picture he has painted off the story is the full story. Yes, some parents are malicious and use parental alienation to get back at the other parent to the detriment of their kids.

However, regardless of who is right or wrong, the situation is toxic and it will be the children that suffer in the end.

Personally I think you're being given a very one-sided view. It would be interesting to sit down one on one and have a chat with the ex-wife as to her version of the story. Why wouldn't you (and why would she refuse this) given you are going to be taking responsibility for her child.

I'd be more than happy to meet and chat with ex-h's new partner, though she's not interested in our DC.

I think I'll probably withdraw now but I think OP needs to be aware.of the full content of the Court Order as it's her property he is intending to use to overnight his child.
I don't think OP has the full story so we certainly don't.