Who is right in this situation? Is there a suitable solution?

[WideAwakeClub21]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. He has no children and his own place. I have one school age child and my own place. We live around 45 minutes to an hour away from each other.

We don’t obviously live together, but we both would like to at some point in the future and for our relationship to progress to the next level at some point, but there’s one main issue that’s preventing that at the moment.

I live in a small bungalow style house. It is perfect for me and my child. We both have disabilities and health issues and a lot of money has been spent adapting the house to suit our needs. It is close to my child’s school, we have really good neighbours, etc. It is a small bungalow, we don’t have a spare bedroom and all the rooms are next to or opposite each other. It’s not currently possible to move because of finding somewhere suitable for our disabilities and my child finally being settled in a house and struggling with change (autism).

My partner works in a shift pattern role and really, they are all quite disruptive to our home life. Early shifts means that he leaves the house around 4am (hence why I’m awake now!) and because of the lay out of the house, I can hear when he is getting ready which then disturbs me. Late shifts means that he doesn’t get in until nearly 11pm, when I’m normally asleep by then and again, then get disturbed by him coming in. Night shits means he sleeps all day which then prevents me having access to the bedroom when I need it (because of my disability I sometimes need a day or two where I can sleep some of my symptoms off) and again, him getting ready when everyone else is settling down to bed.

In all honesty, I think the only way we could ever progress our relationship and live together would be if he did a normal working hour job role. We are a house that thrives off a routine and his working hours are so disruptive to us, but he doesn’t want to work a “boring desk job” either. We have tried different solutions but none of them have worked in the long term.

Who is right/wrong in this situation and is there another solution?

I think the only way is to keep both your homes. It’s not unreasonable for you to want to sleep but he appears to be the one having to make all the compromise.

Look up Living Apart Together and see if some strategies might help you. I don’t think there are easy solutions for you.

Keeping our own homes and keeping everything the same, means we spend around 1 night together a week when he is off, and that isn’t going to progress the relationship any further than what we have been like for the last (almost) 3 years. I wouldn’t say it’s him making all the compromises or sacrifices, he also wants us all to live together but it’s his job causing issues and not really being compatible with the family life we lead at home 🤷‍♀️

Nobody is right or wrong. Could he move closer to you but you still keep a place of your own? You sound unwilling to compromise in any way so it's all down to him

I have never heard of that, I will look it up, thank you!

I would seriously be considering whether the relationship is going to work then unfortunately

Moving closer could be an option. I have compromised in a lot of ways to try and make it work around his work schedule, but ultimately I have a child whose disability and needs come first and that’s the way it should be. It’s a little bit different when one person is healthy, has no children to think of and can do any job or live in any sort of house and the other person has health issues, has a child with needs and there needs to be specially adapted things within the house.

Well his home and his job are 2 very big sacrifices.

I couldn’t live with the disturbances. Eventually you will resent him. I would continue to live apart. If he wants to buy a house nearer then great. If not maybe reassess in the future and keep as you are for now.

He prefers it at my house funnily enough and doesn’t like where he lives anyway. He also doesn’t like his job majority of the time. If it was a job he loved, I wouldn’t even suggest it, but he has been looking at other jobs for a while now but they all follow the same work shift pattern.

You come across as a bit selfish. Sorry.

Changing job from one with security and familiarity is a huge thing. It would fill me with anxiety and fear.

It is going down that route. The only way I can sleep whilst he is here, is in the living room on the sofa where I can’t hear him, but after a few days of that I’m in agony and just want my bed.

Okay, well that’s how you would feel, not necessarily how he would feel about the situation but thank you for your continued input and insight.

You're better of staying living separately it's not fair that he makes all the sacrifices. Pp is right you sound really selfish.

It's not really a right/wrong situation. He's not wrong in working shifts. You aren't wrong in wanting to sleep.

One potential solution would be to keep looking for a property that would be able to accommodate you all. It's not a quick fix. Or possibly get an extension built on to your house, to add an additional bedroom.

I also don't think that it's a great sign for the relationship that you see this as an issue caused solely by his job. It isn't. The issue has two sides to it, as you have clearly laid out.

If I sound selfish for putting my needs and my child’s needs first then so be it 😊

Why can't he take turns on the sofa?

The bedroom is closer to the bathroom and front door so you can hear everything from the bedroom whereas the front room is further back

Short term solution, get a sofa bed

Long term, it’s probably not going to be viable moving in together with both of your circumstances remaining the same.

I don’t think you’re being selfish, I think you’re looking at what you and your daughter need as the priority, which is how it should be.

Thank you for being pretty much the only person saying I’m not selfish and seeing my point of view, I really appreciate it.

I will never put a man’s needs over my child’s and seeing as I’m the only parent she has in her life, I need to be on top form all of the time to be the mum she needs, so I’ll never put a man’s needs over my own either.

A sofa bed is a good shout, it’s so hard to find a decent one for a decent price, but I’ll definitely have another shop around but I think you’re right about moving in together not being viable. It just makes me question the compatibility moving forward too and if it’s just a waste of both our time.

My husband works shifts and we have a fairly sized home and I still don’t sleep well when he’s on earlies or lates. Be really honest with yourself if much would actually change with a different house? I also get woken up by my husband leaving or coming in and we sleep in different bedrooms when he’s on shifts. It’s knowing someone will be going/coming that does me in. Can you not rest on the sofa during the day?

NO way you should move when your set up works for you and your child and is so specific. It wouldn’t be fair on your daughter. I’m not convinced it would change much either.

getting a better sofa would be better and cheaper than moving or him changing his job! No he shouldn’t give up his job.

I mean you could consider moving to a bigger house together with a spare bedroom - maybe an en suite.

I know you say your child struggles with change but as long as their school stays the same, it's not a huge change just to move to a bigger house and that will suit family life a lot more if you and partner can have separate bedrooms when he is working a very late or early shift.

Moving house is not going to get any easier in the future so you need to consider are you actually saying you are never prepared to move from your current home? If so that is not very flexible towards your partner (though I do also think he could be applying for lots of other jobs if he doesn't love his current job)

but it’s his job causing issues and not really being compatible with the family life we lead at home

This is neither fair nor productive. Your home set up and his job are a difficult combination, and your prioritizing staying in that home is no more valid than his job. As long as you keep framing this as him selfishly not being willing to fit his life into yours in a way that works well for you the relationship is unlikely to progress.

It’s completely fine for you to decide to prioritize what works for you and your daughter and not want to make any changes there for the sake of a relationship, but own that as a choice you’re making and don’t treat it as him and him alone being inflexible.

Yeah there definitely is that sense of knowing that is disruptive too, I totally get what you’re saying and you’re right, maybe it wouldn’t work in a different house either.

I definitely would never tell him to give up his job. He has been looking at new jobs anyway because he isn’t happy where he currently works and it was more of a suggestion for looking at more family friendly hours if he wants to move in (which he says he does all the time and is here pretty much everyday anyway).

My child has been moved around her whole life (that’s a whole different separate issue that couldn’t be helped). She is finally settled in a home she’s been in longer than a couple of years, so unfortunately I’m not going to move her again just for my partner’s work shift patterns.