Who is right in this situation? Is there a suitable solution?

[WideAwakeClub21]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. He has no children and his own place. I have one school age child and my own place. We live around 45 minutes to an hour away from each other.

We don’t obviously live together, but we both would like to at some point in the future and for our relationship to progress to the next level at some point, but there’s one main issue that’s preventing that at the moment.

I live in a small bungalow style house. It is perfect for me and my child. We both have disabilities and health issues and a lot of money has been spent adapting the house to suit our needs. It is close to my child’s school, we have really good neighbours, etc. It is a small bungalow, we don’t have a spare bedroom and all the rooms are next to or opposite each other. It’s not currently possible to move because of finding somewhere suitable for our disabilities and my child finally being settled in a house and struggling with change (autism).

My partner works in a shift pattern role and really, they are all quite disruptive to our home life. Early shifts means that he leaves the house around 4am (hence why I’m awake now!) and because of the lay out of the house, I can hear when he is getting ready which then disturbs me. Late shifts means that he doesn’t get in until nearly 11pm, when I’m normally asleep by then and again, then get disturbed by him coming in. Night shits means he sleeps all day which then prevents me having access to the bedroom when I need it (because of my disability I sometimes need a day or two where I can sleep some of my symptoms off) and again, him getting ready when everyone else is settling down to bed.

In all honesty, I think the only way we could ever progress our relationship and live together would be if he did a normal working hour job role. We are a house that thrives off a routine and his working hours are so disruptive to us, but he doesn’t want to work a “boring desk job” either. We have tried different solutions but none of them have worked in the long term.

Who is right/wrong in this situation and is there another solution?

If your dc has been through that many changes I would imagine the last thing she needs is yet another change. Ie your partner moving in. So I'm not sure why you'd even consider it for at least another couple of years. By which time the solution will probably have presented itself to you.

The issue with living apart, is that he’s at her house most of the time anyway.

OP, I have a disability, and my partner and I have adapted as much as possible because sleep is a priority for me.

There have been some great practical suggestions from a couple of posters.

If I were you, I’d try and get a really comfy sofa bed. You can get lovely mattress toppers if pain is an issue (pricey, but the Panda ones have all but eliminated my nighttime hip pain!). White noise machine, ear plugs, eye mask.

He has to make as minimal noise as possible as a pp has suggested things like thermos and breakfast bar.

Any of these things that give you a fighting chance to get the sleep you need.

I don’t think your selfish for not uprooting your child, but if you want to stay in the relationship (especially seeing as he’s all but officially moved in anyway), you will need to adapt and work together to minimise the disruption!

Good luck, I hope it works out.

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all but I also can’t see this relationship continuing in the long term.

There is a LOT of options between regular night shifts and a boring office job!! There’s loads of jobs that aren’t at all office based but are 9-5.

What does he do?

@Plugsocketrocket

I think you are quite rigid in your approach and don’t have a good understanding about other people’s separateness and your assessment of the circumstances shows up this issue. Your needs are all that you seek to be able to integrate. I think if that is the case you need to find someone whose needs match yours better

a very fair analysis

Does he live with his parents by any chance?

I’m not entirely sure why you’re getting so many selfish comments. I completely understand why you don’t want to change anything to disrupt your child or having spent all that money on adaptations on the bungalow.

It does feel like there isn’t really much of a solution as most things you’re saying no - though with clear reason.
The sofa bed sounds like the best option but doesn’t feel hugely sustainable, but maybe it could be temporary until he got a better job.

This may have been said already so I’m sorry if it has but is there any scope to do an extension or convert a garage? Something self contained so that when he’s on shift he can leave.

Appreciate you’ve probably thought of that and everything else but thought I’d just suggest it anyway

You’re not wrong or selfish. You should put your child first.
but given your situation, if you can’t extend your home or move then I can’t see how it would work. He needs to decide if he is happy doing shifts. He shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about this because it will disrupt your life.

Any chance of extending to put in an ensuite bedroom or even a garden room that he can use when on antisocial shifts?

I’m not entirely sure why you’re getting so many selfish comments

because she’s failing to consider her partner at all.

OP cannot move because of disruption to DD cost of adaptions so far

OP cannot move because of cost of adaptions so far

OP cannot sleep on sofa because of her disability

OP cannot buy sofa bed? I don’t know why?

OP cannot reconfigure because it’s not that easy

none of those things mean she’s selfish per se but totally failing to consider her DP wants/needs and jumping to he has to change his job is massive.

I'm not hearing any whisper of compromise from you and in most relationships that is required. Him moving AND changing jobs seems like big asks to me. Probably best you go your separate ways

Agree with others, neither of you are wrong but it does make things incompatible.

I totally get why you want to stay where you are for you & your child, but equally it’s unfair of you to expect him to change everything to suit you & a child that has nothing to do with him.

Do you own the house?

It may be a basic idea, can you extend and have another room added, or a well insulated garden room?

I agree it’s a very unreasonable assessment, it could easily be argued it’s her need to not move, her need to not be disturbed, her need to be able to have rhe bedroom for a couple of days that’s causing a way bigger issue than the fact he works shifts.

What compranises is he making? OP is doing everything around him!!!

If you have room in your garden could you put a pod in? That way when your dp is working he can leave from there and go back to there when it’s early/late and not disturb anyone

You also need to think about what your asking so he moves in pays half the bills half the mortgage/rent does probably more then his fair share of cooking and cleaning due to your disability and for that he gets to sleep on the sofa or in the garden. Its just not going to work let him go

Tbf, you have more requirements than most people would have, due to your disability and your daughter’s autism. It’s not very conducive to integrating another person into the mix without a lot of compromise on their part.

This may not work out long term if you both need progression in the relationship. It may only work just as it is now.

chrisr would you wish that, every working day you sleep in the garden, I’d be fucked if I would sell my house and live in the garden.

How big is your garden? Could you buy a small caravan or pod type thing? Could you put up a conservatory and he could sleep in there when he’s working?

Would you sleep in the garden? If the answer is yes why don't you sell your home and buy a tent

lol. 5 days a week, no wonder so many marriages and relationships end, who sleeps in the garden or conservatory most of the time, I’d be keeping my house and going over the one or two nights a week otherwise, would I he’ll sell my house to live in the conservatory or garden and I’m fairly sure people posting this wouldn’t want to do it either.

but op, by all means, tell him he doesn’t need to change his job to live there like you wish, he can, but it needs to be in the garden five days a week.

What is the benefit to your child to your boyfriend moving into your home? If your child needs the stability you describe, a man who prefers shift work doesn’t seem like an ideal parental figure. She needs a predictable daily routine.

perhaps he could get a place quite near yours. That way there would be little to no travel time, but he would not disrupt your home life.

I’m don’t think it’s that outlandish an idea!! When we were overcrowded we considered it, but yes didn’t see it was 5 days a week tbf .

sure, many people do when over crowded, but that’s a whole different ballgame to selling your house, to move in with someone and basically living in the garden or conservatory, so you don’t disturb the household, and the owner of the house can spend a couple of days in bed when needs must, and having to also change your job to one you don’t wish to do it. No one in their right mind would do that. Moving in together is not living in a pod in the garden,