Who is right in this situation? Is there a suitable solution?

[WideAwakeClub21]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. He has no children and his own place. I have one school age child and my own place. We live around 45 minutes to an hour away from each other.

We don’t obviously live together, but we both would like to at some point in the future and for our relationship to progress to the next level at some point, but there’s one main issue that’s preventing that at the moment.

I live in a small bungalow style house. It is perfect for me and my child. We both have disabilities and health issues and a lot of money has been spent adapting the house to suit our needs. It is close to my child’s school, we have really good neighbours, etc. It is a small bungalow, we don’t have a spare bedroom and all the rooms are next to or opposite each other. It’s not currently possible to move because of finding somewhere suitable for our disabilities and my child finally being settled in a house and struggling with change (autism).

My partner works in a shift pattern role and really, they are all quite disruptive to our home life. Early shifts means that he leaves the house around 4am (hence why I’m awake now!) and because of the lay out of the house, I can hear when he is getting ready which then disturbs me. Late shifts means that he doesn’t get in until nearly 11pm, when I’m normally asleep by then and again, then get disturbed by him coming in. Night shits means he sleeps all day which then prevents me having access to the bedroom when I need it (because of my disability I sometimes need a day or two where I can sleep some of my symptoms off) and again, him getting ready when everyone else is settling down to bed.

In all honesty, I think the only way we could ever progress our relationship and live together would be if he did a normal working hour job role. We are a house that thrives off a routine and his working hours are so disruptive to us, but he doesn’t want to work a “boring desk job” either. We have tried different solutions but none of them have worked in the long term.

Who is right/wrong in this situation and is there another solution?

Putting yours and your child's needs first is not selfish expecting him to change his life for you when he clearly doesn't want to is

Who said he doesn’t want to? He wants to live here and talks about it all the time, he wants to change his job. The only thing he is struggling with is the working hours. He is the one who wants to be here and be part of the family, so why should we be making sacrifices for it? I haven’t slept well for months because of him wanting to be here all of the time and his work patterns, that’s hard on a healthy person let alone a person with health issues

Sounds like you need a bigger house.

you want your partner to change careers so he doesn't wake you up when getting ready for work in the morning

people with autism can move house

i agree with pps that you sound selfish and uncompromising

you've already got answers for everything and have made your decision, you're entrenched in it. Pretty pointless thread

A bigger house when thousands of pounds have been spent adapting the house we currently have. You’re right people with autism can move house, but my child has been moved around every year or 2 because of issues out of her control, I’m not moving her again when she finally feels at home somewhere and there’s no need for it apart from my partner’s work shift pattern. If that makes me selfish and uncompromising then so be it, I would rather be that then put my child’s needs second to his 🤷‍♀️

Ok. Could you swap the bedroom and living room around? I understand it's not always feasible (eg if the kitchen is part of the living space, or the sizes of the rooms don't make it feasible). But that way he could take the sofa?

If he wanted to you wouldn't be on mumsnet asking who his right or wrong

Unfortunately not because the kitchen is part of the living room space, but if it wasn’t, that would be a good idea

point proven

pointless thread

If he’s already looking then it makes sense for him to reduce shift work if possible. I am exhausted when my husband has done nights and it’s easy for people to say ‘go sleep.’ But my brain won’t switch off when I know someone is coming back home and I inadvertently find myself listening out for the front door or checking the time. It is awful!!
tips for now would be try and get a new sofa if you can! Mine isn’t even a sofa bed just a super comfy sofa with a chaise lounge so I can sleep on it as needed. I drink a calming herbal tea at night and watch all my shit tv when he’s on nights. Lock up and give him a key if sleeping with a front door unlocked is possibly causing some anxiety. Leave a hall light on and white noise so the house isn’t going from silence and darkness to light and sound all of a sudden as it causes a shift even if you can’t consciously hear it. And put your phone out of reach and get rid of any clocks so you can’t clock watch or keep checking your phone. Easier said than done I know!!

It seems like you want him to change around you, everything for you gets to stay the same yet he has to change

That’s really helpful advice, especially things I hadn’t thought of before like the white noise and the lights, thank you!

Your partner moving to normal working hours wouldn't solve this, if you need a couple of days regularly to just sleep your symptoms off, as the poor man still needs to sleep as well sometimes - and there's always going to be the situation where you can hear him wherever he is in the house? And to be honest, as your child gets older this will also become an issue for you.

The only practical solution is a bigger house and another room.

DO NOT move in with him. Do NOT try to move him in with you and do NOT move house. Everything is working for you and your daughter, you and the boyfriend are not compatible, so just accept you will not live together - probably ever - or stop seeing him.

Prioritise your child first of all.
Don't let him sleep over at yours when there's going to e a disruptive shift start or end time. It's damaging your health and that's not a loving thing to do.
Do not attempt to "progress to the next level" until his life choices are compatible with a routine that values the health and wellbeing of you and your child. Ideally rewind to the previous level of casual dating - him using your bungalow to crash in when you have already established it is incompatible for him to move in is just giving you the worst of both worlds - you are dealing with the disruption and distress that are good reasons for him not to move in, without any of thr benefits.

If he’s going to be selling his house could you get an extension?

If he’s fed up with looking for another job could you wait a while? Another few years won’t make a difference.

Both Dh and I have done shift work and live in a smallish house where we hear everything. It’s hard and we don’t have disabilities.

For now maybe earplugs and sleep masks?

It sounds as though one or both of you would resent the other if you moved in together. Some of the issues still wouldn’t be solved e.g. sleep patterns around his shifts or your illness. I think for the time being, staying as you are is the least disruptive. Maybe wait until your child is older. Also, if your child struggles with change then your partner moving in is a huge change to deal with so your child may end up resenting to situation as well.

The ideal solution is a property with a spare bedroom that he can use on awkward shifts, meaning you and your daughter aren’t disturbed. Appreciate this might be hard to find in the right location but if he doesn’t want to change his job ( and it does sound like he would be doing a lot of the compromising), also how easy would it be for him to walk into a job with more suitable hours?

Sounds like this isn’t going to work long term. You have a very set way of living and sound unwilling to compromise. That’s fine but it’s not going to help you progress the relationship. You’re struggling with the situation now and you aren’t even living together. Being honest, I think you are going to be single or casual dating for a long time, forever? due to the various factors involved and you may need to make your peace with that.

Just stay as you are until the moment arrives where it makes sense to make changes. We stayed living apart for 5 years only just moved in together as my DD16 was changing school etc and his DS was off to uni.

You put the DC first always.

In answer yo your thread question OP, I don’t believe there are any wrongs/rights in this situation, as it’s not black and white. If your partner wants to move in with you, what can he bring to the table i.e. does he have a house to sell, so that you could either adapt/extend your own house or buy a bigger house that would suit everyone, including your DC? If you don’t feel you love him enough to compromise in some way, then he’s obviously not the one for you.

I don’t think that is a selfish attitude at all. Of course your child’s needs are paramount. And you need to be rested to care for her.
has your partner any workable ideas? A sofa bed would be a good start.

There isn't a right or wrong way really. If he considers another job, looks for one but can't get one then you'd have to move if you really want to be together long term. He might like his job, but is that a reason to not want to live with him - only if you live in your house it seems.
Is there a way of renovating or extending your house to make some areas more private? You haven't mentioned that, so either you haven't thought of it or you have and don't want to. If it's the latter I don't think you really want to move the relationship on. He could put money into building work from the sales of his house and you can have a legal document drawn up to reflect his financial input.

I live two hours away from my partner and we've been together 10 years. Various family and work commitments preclude us moving in together and tbh it's fine. The relationship has 'moved on' and dare I say without household and sleep related squabbles. I think living together can be overrated and so don't rule out just rolling with separate houses for now.

It absolutely IS him making all the sacrifices (I wouldn't say compromises as there are none!)... but honestly, that's the way it should be, in this situation anyway, because none of the alternatives will work. You need to prioritise your child, and it makes no sense to be moving out of a home that has been adapted to both your needs. You are doing the right thing IMO.
And I absolutely get what you mean about not wanting to move your child again; my kids have experienced that their whole lives, and it sucks.

In saying all that though, it does kind of mean that this relationship isn't really sustainable.
Unless you are both happy with the 'living apart together' thing...

Keep your space. Why doesn’t he look into getting a tiny cheap place near to you so he can be with you when awake and not at work, but at his during his shifts? A boat, even, if you have canals in your area. Or a van he could park on your drive. Then you both get what you need.

Living together doesn’t have to be conventional.