Who is right in this situation? Is there a suitable solution?

[WideAwakeClub21]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. He has no children and his own place. I have one school age child and my own place. We live around 45 minutes to an hour away from each other.

We don’t obviously live together, but we both would like to at some point in the future and for our relationship to progress to the next level at some point, but there’s one main issue that’s preventing that at the moment.

I live in a small bungalow style house. It is perfect for me and my child. We both have disabilities and health issues and a lot of money has been spent adapting the house to suit our needs. It is close to my child’s school, we have really good neighbours, etc. It is a small bungalow, we don’t have a spare bedroom and all the rooms are next to or opposite each other. It’s not currently possible to move because of finding somewhere suitable for our disabilities and my child finally being settled in a house and struggling with change (autism).

My partner works in a shift pattern role and really, they are all quite disruptive to our home life. Early shifts means that he leaves the house around 4am (hence why I’m awake now!) and because of the lay out of the house, I can hear when he is getting ready which then disturbs me. Late shifts means that he doesn’t get in until nearly 11pm, when I’m normally asleep by then and again, then get disturbed by him coming in. Night shits means he sleeps all day which then prevents me having access to the bedroom when I need it (because of my disability I sometimes need a day or two where I can sleep some of my symptoms off) and again, him getting ready when everyone else is settling down to bed.

In all honesty, I think the only way we could ever progress our relationship and live together would be if he did a normal working hour job role. We are a house that thrives off a routine and his working hours are so disruptive to us, but he doesn’t want to work a “boring desk job” either. We have tried different solutions but none of them have worked in the long term.

Who is right/wrong in this situation and is there another solution?

if you do go down the sofa bed route try looking for one second hand, by their very nature they aren't used.that often so a.second hand one should be in good condition

Sorry but it isn’t going to work if he is happy working shifts with no children.

I have ADHD and am pretty much nocturnal, there is absolutely no way I could get up for work in the morning.

I have had several short lived relationships where I tried too hard to lead a “normal life”.
A lot of those short relationships were with people who had kids.
Even if I’d hated my job I wouldn’t have gone to a 9-5.
I gave up a job I adored to see my ex more and in the future too “spend time as a family” I still hold so much resentment.

I met someone else with a similar sleep pattern 12 years ago and we live in harmony. We don’t have to make any sacrifices about noise at night vs in the day because we adapted our lives around it.

We cook, shop and see friends at night and work at night, it’s our normal.

It’s difficult with a child involved and when it’s not your own, you don’t have the same instinct to put the child first. We deliberately decided not to have kids because it wouldn’t fit with our lifestyle.

If I split with DP now then we both agreed we couldn’t date someone with kids. Neither side is selfish in priorities but trying to change someone to force something to work builds resentment - trust me I’ve seen it so many times.

You can keep things as they are seeing each other separately or you need to move somewhere bigger to accommodate all needs. It won’t work if someone just goes along with something to make the other happy.

It sounds like you’ve decided on your future and want him to fit in. He might try for a while but your child with never be his priority and with having none of his own he won’t understand your natural instinct to put her first.

If I was to be completely honest (which might be helpful in this situation but please don’t judge me!) I hated having to live life round kids.
I didn’t understand the instinct to protect and they were just an obstacle, I would never have voiced this but our lifestyles were just too different.

I wanted travel, excitement, lie ins and a quiet home, it was actually the noise and needing to give constant attention I struggled with the most. I often felt like saying “I want to speak to your dad now I’ve had enough! Go away!
Luckily I realised this very quickly after two very short term relationships without meeting the kids I vowed never to date someone with kids again.

I think a lot of people fake feelings, they assume things will change, they will do anything for the relationship and think they will learn to love any children.
Read the step parenting board to see how that works out…

Walk away before it gets messy and focus on your child and the security they finally have.

Don't be one of those people who complains your DP isn’t stepping into a fatherhood role and still putting himself first. Find a more equal relationship where you can both see each other’s point of view and reach a compromise.

Maybe it’s time to make peace with never living together. I’m in a totally committed relationship, but we’ll always live apart. I never want to be in a situation where we resent each other for space sharing reasons.

Neither of you are in the wrong here and it’s absolutely not selfish of you to prioritise you and your child and protecting the space and home you’ve worked hard to create.

How does he disturb you?

My DH and I both work shifts, I’m up very early and DH home very late. I did struggle to get to sleep when he wasn’t home at first but now I am used to it and often don’t hear him, or I wake up briefly. I generally leave leftovers so he doesn’t make ‘cooking’ noise. I’d get him headphones for tv in the living room as he likely needs ‘down time’ before bed. He doesn’t turn lights on or flush the loo (unless he has to obviously). No phones/tv etc when he comes to bed.

I make sure my uniform, lunch and bags are packed ready the night before so minimise noise. My alarm goes off (watch alarm so not too noisy) and I leave the bedroom promptly. My clothes are on the landing ready to get dressed, your partner could get dressed in the living room. I make a brew but if the kettle noise is bothering you I’d use a thermos flask for hot water and eat a breakfast bar.

With careful consideration and organisation there is no need for him to be waking the whole household up unless you live in a studio flat. I think all of that is on him.

OTOH I wouldn’t be impressed having to change my job, I don’t like 9-5 regardless of the ‘work’ and much prefer shifts. Your partner may well feel the same. What do you do? My friends find it very difficult to understand that me and my DH life is much easier doing shit work.

Good luck moving forward, it would be sad if you couldn’t work this out over a shift pattern.

OP I've been with my partner ten years. We don't live together and probably won't for at least another 5 til my children are grown. But if we never did, that's ok too. Sometimes whole week go by without seeing each other and I v rarely have him stay when the kids are here so it can be a month or more sometimes between that. He is a huge help and support to me and we love each other but are fully independent.
I do think you've made it clear you're not open to change at your end, which is your right and actually what MN usually say you should do, but i think you equally cant expect him to make all the changes unless he's happy too.

You're not wrong for feeling how you feel and prioritising your child.

The selfish part comes from not recognising what you are asking of him, and your attitude that he is somehow doing something wrong. He isn't, he is just living and working.

If that doesn't work for you, you are well within your rights to end it and prioritise you and your child. But thinking he is somehow unreasonable to not change his career to suit you when you haven't been together long and don't seem to have any flex at all is the unreasonable bit.

Is any part of his current life allowed to remain?

What? So in your own home, with your disability, he's content to sleep soundly in your bed while you have to sleep on the sofa?

sorry but this is all kinds of wrong.

you need to prioritise your and your child's needs, first and foremost.

you aren't being forced to be with this man, you do have a choice and the choice shouldn't cause you to have such significant dilemmas

In your position, I would see the relationship as impossible to reconcile in terms of the priority which is suitable living conditions that don't involve you being in agony and awake most nights.

It’s not his job that is the issue, it’s your property being small and rooms in close proximity. Many families live together and get on fine with shift working

If you’re serious about this relationship then pool your money together to buy something bigger, more appropriate and that may mean making those adjustments again

Really it’s your only choice, you can’t expect someone to change their whole job so you can sleep in bed a couple of days. I have to agree you’re coming across a bit entitled. Compromise is key

Did you miss the bit about him occupying the OPs bed and letting her sleep on the sofa.

the whole situation sounds unsustainable.

Lots of relationships don’t work because of circumstances rather than because the individuals are not compatible.

If you have a list of things you won’t compromise on it’s going to reduce your ability to find a partner to live with. Of course you should put your child and your needs first but then you also need to recognise that potential partners with the right working pattern who want to live in your house are probably not large in number.

Don't move in together @WideAwakeClub21 . It sounds like you have everything perfectly set up and stable for you and DC, That shouldn't be underestimated. You risk all of that hard work if you move in together.

I know everyone sets out with good intentions, but you risk being set back to square 1 in x amount of years. Things are very likely to go wrong at some point.

I don’t think the relationship is destined to work.

Selfish in that she and her child, both with disabilities, want to ensure that their status quo remains the same? How weird to think that’s selfish!

You’ve put this post in AIBU , the majority are telling you that you are being unreasonable. You don’t seem to want to hear that. What were you hoping to gain from the post?

OP, it sounds like you and your DD have a very good set up in regards to living arrangements. I’m not sure why you’d want this to be changed with the addition of your boyfriend moving in if his shift work will have such a significant impact on your lives. For me, his not changing jobs would be a deal breaker in terms of him moving in. It wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the relationship though.

Why id your title - 'who is right in this situation?'

Seems you've changed his opinion after posters have said you're selfish. Which you are if you aren't willing to compromise at all for him. He should see this as a red flag for future decisions. His opinion will never count or be considered.

Actually the majority are saying she’s not being selfish and they wouldn’t want him to move in in this situation either.

It can work, if they want it to, but the op may need to get her head around the idea that a relationship "progressing" in a set way is not always the answer or right thing. I sort of assumed on the early days that DP and I would, a few years, progress to living together but neither of us liked the "step" dynamic and after being left for ow by exH and buying my own house alone, I didn't want to jeopardise any of that stability based on a romantic attachment which could end at any time. The OP has a good set up here and should keep it.

Personally I don't think there will be a solution to this, so you have to accept that this relationship as one where you live apart. And that's ok. Lots of people do this these days.

Even if he had a 9-5 job I expect there would be issues. What he if wanted to watch TV til 11? You say it's work that's disruptive at that time but what if he wanted to unwind. Would you say my house my rules and impose some kind of curfew on him.

I don't think you are wrong putting your child and own needs first, but that doesn't mean he should sacrifice his.

Is it possibly a money issue as well when it comes to him not wanting to do regular day shifts?

A company I worked at years ago that served a global customer base had people doing the exact same role spread over 9-5s, a couple of late shifts and a night shift.

The late shift people got a 30% salary uplift and nights was 45%, and only 4 shifts per week! I'd certainly struggle to justify losing a 45% salary bump.

Why the aggressive answer? Do you not think that a woman has the right to her own boundaries? The OP has a great set up for her and her DD. She wants her boyfriend to move in but knows that whilst he still works shifts it would be very disruptive. He has a choice - change jobs and move in, or don’t change jobs and don’t move in. It’s nothing to do with being selfish or not, it’s to do with having boundaries!

I'm sorry, but you're not compatible. You have a disability and need a lot of rest, and an autistic child who needs routine and would struggle with a house move. He has a job he enjoys and doesn't mind shifts, he doesn't want to change that for a 9-5.

Neither of your needs are unreasonable, but they don't work well together without significant compromise on one or both sides. You are not, unfortunately, in a position to live with a partner, because moving in together inevitably does involve change and you're not able to accommodate any at this time in your life. That's not wrong - it's how it is, but then you need to accept your options for progressing any relationship to the moving in stage are limited right now.

Why do you need to live together and spend the night together on the nights he gets up at 4am? What's the point? What's the difference really to having a nice evening together then him leaving at bedtime to go back to his own place?

Where did I say she was being selfish? The majority are pointing out it’s him being expected to make all the changes (move house and change job) there’s no compromise from the op. The op doesn’t seem to want to hear this.

You say, this is to take your relationship to the next level.

What do you think that is?

If it’s in order to be a permanent couple and have a child together, then this is going to cause even more disturbance and disruption.

Why not live apart until your children is an adult and independent, then move in together?