Who is right in this situation? Is there a suitable solution?

[WideAwakeClub21]

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. He has no children and his own place. I have one school age child and my own place. We live around 45 minutes to an hour away from each other.

We don’t obviously live together, but we both would like to at some point in the future and for our relationship to progress to the next level at some point, but there’s one main issue that’s preventing that at the moment.

I live in a small bungalow style house. It is perfect for me and my child. We both have disabilities and health issues and a lot of money has been spent adapting the house to suit our needs. It is close to my child’s school, we have really good neighbours, etc. It is a small bungalow, we don’t have a spare bedroom and all the rooms are next to or opposite each other. It’s not currently possible to move because of finding somewhere suitable for our disabilities and my child finally being settled in a house and struggling with change (autism).

My partner works in a shift pattern role and really, they are all quite disruptive to our home life. Early shifts means that he leaves the house around 4am (hence why I’m awake now!) and because of the lay out of the house, I can hear when he is getting ready which then disturbs me. Late shifts means that he doesn’t get in until nearly 11pm, when I’m normally asleep by then and again, then get disturbed by him coming in. Night shits means he sleeps all day which then prevents me having access to the bedroom when I need it (because of my disability I sometimes need a day or two where I can sleep some of my symptoms off) and again, him getting ready when everyone else is settling down to bed.

In all honesty, I think the only way we could ever progress our relationship and live together would be if he did a normal working hour job role. We are a house that thrives off a routine and his working hours are so disruptive to us, but he doesn’t want to work a “boring desk job” either. We have tried different solutions but none of them have worked in the long term.

Who is right/wrong in this situation and is there another solution?

Do you have a garden? Would a sleeping pod work?

I really agree with this

What is this "next level"?

Him maintaining his own place but much closer would also solve a lot of issues and he could still spend time at your house. As your child gets into later teens you could also both spend time at his.

I don't understand the "next level" thing when he's already at your place most days is jt really best for everyone if he moves into your bungalow? Doesn't sound like it to me.

Is he financially ok maintaining his own place or is there a financial motivation for him re. moving in?

I have only read some of this thread so I really apologise if I am coming across as repetitive and boring but…..
Why on earth do you even care about living with this man.
You have a lovely home that suits you and your child. That’s it.
It works for you two. You two have a home. Why do you need him to move in?
Think about that. Just because it’s “normal” to live together, doesn’t mean it’s necessary. You could just have a lovely relationship with separate houses.
Christ, after 33 years, that actually sounds quite lovely to me!!!!
It’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about choosing how YOU want to live

Any way to build an extension with his own door and space so he doesn't disturb you?

Don't have him stay while he's working, spend his days off together .

His wants don’t trump your needs. You need to limit how much time he is spending at yours. At the moment he has no incentive to do anything differently, does he?

It might be easier if he moves closer so you can’t spend more time together (for now) and long term save to get a place together that meets everyone’s needs.

The fact you are asking who is right and wrong rather than can anyone offer up options for compromise speaks volumes about your relationship and how it might go if you do move in together. I can see resentment already and that is not a good base from which to move in together.

Neither of you are wrong, it just sounds like your life situations are incompatible with living together.

If his experience is in shift work he would probably find it hard to get a 9-5 desk job and would probably hate it.

You both sound like whatever one of you had to do to live together would cause long term resentment of the other.

Either continue the relationship living apart or split up would seem to be the options.

I think the way that he lives his life (& is happy living his life) is incompatible with living with another person and a child who keep “regular” hours. I know lots of people do live like that, but it’s not desirable for most.

That’s probably why he was single and childless when you met him.

Could he keep his job, but move to a house on the same street (or at least very close), spend the evenings with you but go home to his own place to sleep?

Telling someone (who has asked for opinions) that they arent considering their partners thoughts and feelings as an equal, especially in such life changing decisions, isn't aggressive. She has changed her stance since beginning the thread which i do believe is to gain sympathy for her position. Yes her priority is her child, but maybe he should have boundaries too that shes dominating and demanding everything her way or no way.

Living Apart Together is great - defo the way forward in many relationships these days. Best option for a compromise in your situation too op. One or other, or both of you move so you are nearer each other (I love the idea of being virtually next door to each other, but still have your own properties/space). Refusing to compromise because of your DD is of course your right op, but may be a dealbreaker for your partner which is his right too. Start talking seriously about what could work, rather than digging your heels in about what can’t.

But he IS the one having to make all the sacrifices. I also don’t think you can make this work.

I don’t think you’re being selfish OP. Obviously your child’s needs come first.
It doesn’t sound like things would work perfectly, even if he did work normal hours.

IMO the best compromise would be that me moves closer to you, and you see more of each other, without moving in. Would that work?

I mean, millions of people manage to work shifts and cohabit, so you’re being a bit dramatic.

If you can’t hear him in the living room, that’s where he gets ready, surely.

Plus you invest in earplugs/eye mask/ white noise machine/ whatever helps you sleep, and then go to bed early to catch up when he’s on a late etc.

It’s entirely surmountable if you want it to be.

@WideAwakeClub21 what have you agreed regarding living together, Has he said eh will move to your area ?
If so I think it’s beets he buys a house in your area and you keep living apart.

like someone else said he is making all the changes , He should get to keep his job if it makes him happy.

You are not at all selfish to expect some compromises if he wants to live with you permanently. However I'd be very wary of letting someone live you who kicks you out of your bed and makes you sleep on the sofa no matter what his job was.

I think you’re right to put your child’s needs first, even your own wants, but I think you’re asking too much, and I’m feeling a little uncomfortable with you’re whole well he wants to be here, like you’re doing him a favour, as you also want him to move in, you don’t wish to move.

bottom line is though you are making absolutely no compromises and making him make them all,

Could you do an extension? An adapted house is difficult to move from..
Or a garden room for sleeping in.. it wouldn't need to be too big just well insulated etc and he could sleep in that..
If hes saving money by not gaving his own accommodation then that could fund it...

Would a fixed shift be a compromise? So rather than mixed shifts he did all earlier/lates which ever was less disruptive for you but not 9-5

there’s two options:

1. he moves job. You want routine and he doesn’t want a “boring 9-5 desk job”.
2. you move house. You need a better lay out but won’t move your child.

it seems he won’t budge on first, you won’t budge on second. So you’re at an impasse. No one is wrong but you absolutely cannot expect this man to take a job he doesn’t want because you don’t want to move house

Keep both your homes or split up.

That is just not a reasonable appraisal of the situation.

Loads of people work shift work your need for routine is absolutely fine, your need for this particular home is fine but you are expecting demanding a lot of the compromise should come from him.

I think you are quite rigid in your approach and don’t have a good understanding about other people’s separateness and your assessment of the circumstances shows up this issue. Your needs are all that you seek to be able to integrate. I think if that is the case you need to find someone whose needs match yours better.

Personally having grown up with autistic parents I suspect that this issue will be a huge feature in your relationship unless you can learn and grow to accommodate his needs and his perspective too.

Any way to build an extension with his own door and space so he doesn’t disturb you?

Yeah that will make a partner feel so welcome and wanted.

I agree with others that OP seems set in her opinions and is understandably prioritising her needs and the needs of her child. It is also very clear she is putting some blame on her partner for disturbing their way of life. I think even if your bungalow was bigger you would still hear him and he would still “disturb” your way of life simply because a third person with his needs and wants is also there. I think you need to consider that it’s not a good idea to move in with anyone. I definitely would not advise to “take things to the next level” with anyone as you are unwilling to compromise on anything. Ultimately a relationship, any relationship requires just that.

When he disturbs you getting up/coming in does it also affect your work? Can you change your working hours at all to reflect his better and work with a mixed sleep pattern while your child is at school plus evening naps?

His working hours likely come with a salary to compensate and he possibly works in an industry that doesn't lend itself well to 9 to 5.

It doesn't sound like your house is suitable for 3 people to live comfortably. You don't want to move. You sleep on the sofa in your own house when your boyfriend stays and is working. That isn't a long term solution.

IMO the wrong here is in your compatibility. You just aren't compatibile.