My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

It sounds like he’s mentally unwell, has gone past breaking point, and you need urgent help as a family. I know people will rush and say ‘he’s a monster, LTB’ but this is more nuanced! Decent men don’t say things that like that unless they’ve lost it.

This. He needs help - you all need help. Breaking the home up won’t help any of the children. Good luck.

poor soul he’s lost it from seeing his child for an hour a day. I call bullshit I bet he’s a throughly unpleasant man in all areas of life and if he pisses off this child won’t be so anxious. No sympathy what so ever from me! He does need go and needs to go now.

@daddywoe does your husband really not understand that your daughter has a neurological disorder?

She cannot help her behaviours.

He does not just get to wash his hands of her, she is his child.

Yes, of course, it is more than difficult for all of you but he really needs to reset, and inform himself about her conditions, it is not personal.

The poor little girl is struggling with her life and she needs total support, not condemnation from her Dad.

These links offer explanations and strategies, please show him @daddywoe

Abandoning her is not an option, he needs to step up and support, all of you

eta; have you considered medication for her?

I’d say she would be better off he did go and she got help and support esp to deal with raging beast having sick thoughts about her.

I think it’s very common for marriages to fall apart with SEN children, and it’s usually the Fathers that walk away as they can’t cope, it’s recently happened with one of our friends. If you decided the same, your poor daughter would have no one, why does he get to just decide he’s not having anything more to do with her?
Having said that autism, pda and other additional needs is really hard, our eldest is Autistic and I am a lot closer to that child then my DH. My DH tries his best but finds it very difficult because he doesn’t have the skills or patience to deal with defiant behaviour, he has said before ‘why can’t he just do as he’s told’, showing he just doesn’t ’get It’.
Their saving moments are cooking, they both love to cook so often work alongside each other cooking dinner.
If our eldest is spiralling or struggling I’m the person that goes to deal with it, DH tends to sort out the problems of our neurotypical children if I’m tied up.
My DH has said to our child that he loves him so much, he just doesn’t know how best to help him but he is trying to learn and I think that’s what helps, there are moments when I look at him after he has made a situation worse and want to throttle him (DH not our child) but ultimately I know he loves all our children and is trying.
I would really recommend some family therapy if your DH is open to it, but you can’t make someone stay who is ready to go and I wouldn’t want him around your daughter the way he is at the moment.

Sadly, have a look at the divorce figures for families with autistic children. I've got 2 of them and one's a sensory seeker and one's an avoider, which is quite normal, but makes life that extra bit harder.

The only advice I have is the old classic of 'I'll always love you but right now I don't like you very much.' That and chocolate and wine and anything else that makes the day a little bit easier. That age was one of the toughest in my experience because it was when I had to stop thinking 'oh, they'll grow out of it' and the academic expectations started ramping up.

Do you think he’s trying to instigate a divorce and no contact with her on safety grounds?

I'm sympathetic to him to be honest, some asd children can be hard to love. I totally get it. The frustration can become overwhelming.
Giving up though is not the way, he needs some proper help in how to manage. Has he tried visiting your local asd parenting groups. Hearing how others deal with the issue can be helpful even though the individual character problems are so variable.

Do you have any experience of having a child with ADHD or Autism and trying to get help for them? Contrary to uninformed public opinion, no one is there to shower you with help, and it isn't poor parenting. The level of pressure you're under constantly wrecks mental health and marriages and it's unrelenting. That family needs help, like thousands of others, yet the people who should provide that help all too often spend their time working out reasons why they don't need to. When you get a diagnosis, that is it. No support, no extra help. Just people shying away. He's said things because he's at the end of his tether and grieving for the child he expected to have. It's common amongst parents of disabled children. So, sadly, is suicide and divorce.

Is your daughter safe? He sounds mentally unwell. Please leave him asap.

Why is she saying she hates him?
Is she disciplined for that?
Sounds like he's burnt out. He isn't fantasising about hurting her - he's fantasising about a normal life without the difficulties she brings.
How are your other children coping?

Just to clarify when I said he needs to step back at least temporarily, what I meant was leaving the house. That wasn't clear from my post. I just was meaning that I disagree that there's absolutely no way back from this.

You need to leave him. Period. He shouldn't have contact with any of his children. He is not fit to be a parent.

I have 2 DC, both with autism, one with severe learning difficulties and challenges behaviours. I get it's not easy but what he is saying is absolutely unacceptable. You need to safeguard your children.

Oh God @daddywoe this is so sad. DH and I adore the bones of our two autistic children but it can be hard work. I think your DH needs some therapy and some parenting courses for dealing with your DD. He is clearly at his wits end but he is the adult here so he can’t be taking that out on a child. I think with some support you could come to some better strategies for dealing with your DD. Meltdowns all of the time shows that there is something extremely wrong with her environment.

That could be literally anything as you know I’m sure, it could be floor tiles, kids screaming in yard, an uncomfy uniform, anything but that degree of dysregulation means it is very much something.

We have been around so many autistic kids over the years and even the most dysregulated of them have calmed down once the environment improved. Both you and your DH need support coming to terms with the diagnosis.

What's your strategy for dealing with meltdowns?

That's reasonable. If it's a MH issue (stress,) it might be fixable if he wants it to be
But he would need to want to fix it/go to therapy

I am finding it hard not to judge him. Its ok that he finds it hard and may want to escape but that he may actually do that and leave you to cope with everything by yourself is unforgiveable. Unforgiveable to all your daughters too.

There will be family services who can come in to help here. We have support from family support workers and the autism service due to autism in the family. As others have said, a professional therapist may help him too but you may want to ask these specialists if they can recommend anyone suitable. Lots of therapists are crap. He needs someone who can help him, not just listen to him and expect him to heal himself through that.

Whether he has ‘lost it’ or needs help is largely irrelevant, he needs to leave the house.

Of course he can express his darkest thoughts, to a counsellor and a professional (just for the record most therapists at this point would have a duty to report if they believed he might follow through)

There is a good chance he is telling op because he is afraid of what he will do, he is effectively safe guarding his own child by raising the alarm bells himself. It’s best we listen to him, and act accordingly.

Safe guard the children first - that means he leaves the family home for now

Oxygen mask on the mother (op) with as much support as possible.

Long term counselling for both sets of parents, along side other strategies such as sen parenting classes, support groups in person and on line etc.

Just to add that your local council should have a family support service.

Agreed and this is also exactly what I've said. Saying he needs counselling, etc is adding to what's already been said since the OP is posting about him.

Some pp are saying simply Ltb and some of us are saying he needs to leave and seek counselling first then go from there. No one is calling for OP to sort that out for him or ignore the clearly high priority of the safety of her child. Infact it's been the opposite on here for the most part, although some people keep saying that OP will have to do that work for him and convince him to follow through which is bizarre.

How severe is her autism?

The reason I ask is you might consider respite where you physically get her out of the home.

I have an autistic child (the most severe) and there have been a few violent meltdowns. I absolutely could not cope if they were to continue. I’ve been kicked in the face before. His screams were so loud that on one occasion neighbours came over - one was two houses down and could still hear screaming.

One time school told me they had to lock him in a supply cupboard because he was being violent and I understood why.

He has severely injured himself to the point a doctor told me he would ordinarily call CPS. Another time he was thrashing about and got a cut to his face.

One thing I’m very clear on is that I don’t put up with that behaviour. Apparently you’re just meant to let them meltdown and ignore them. It has stopped but I wouldn’t be able to cope if that was going to be the rest of my life.

Your husband has told you that he wants to throw your daughter off a bridge. That is severe. What on earth is she doing for an hour when your husband comes home? Is she doing vocal stims?

I’ve seen violent and hyperactive autistic kids respond to medication. Maybe it’s time you either put her on something or give her something stronger.

I was going to say exactly that about men that leave after wife gets sick. I tend to think they must be narcissistic arseholes.

Exactly.
Except saying he needs therapy isn't taking away from all of that. I'm sure it helps OP to know there are options besides LTB.

Long term counselling for both sets of parents, along side other strategies such as sen parenting classes, support groups in person and on line etc.

This is equally saying the same thing and talking about what he needs which we're all in agreement with. We're all saying the same thing.

When I had PND I had thoughts of hurting my child, I was honest with my GP and my husband and I got counseling which helped tremendously. Hes 4 now and we are very close (hes still a pain in the butt sometimes!). From my perspective I was severely depressed stressed and sleep deprived, I wasn't a monster, I needed help. He must see a GP and get urgent therapy, pay privately if needs be. It's vital for both himself and also the well being of your child because growing up with a parent who says they hate you will cause immeasurable damage. If he cant or wont do this he needs to leave.