My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Al these comments saying "he should" or "he needs to" are just not helpful or practical. Nobody can make him do anything at all and nobody can make him change his feelings. The only part of your comment that is helpful is the reality that he must not be allowed to be unsupervised around the 7 year old he has threatened.

OP cannot make him raise her, cannot make him develop strategies or anything else.

If OP tries to force the man who has just said he wants to throw his daughter off a bridge to parent, he will probably just leave - and that's best case scenario.

This is a crisis, yes absolutely. OP must call one or more of the organisations mentioned by me and others in the thread. She MUST organise respite for herself and her husband. She MUST get other people involved.

The only adult OP has any control over is herself. Of course it shouldn't be on her to find a solution - but it simply is. It's shit, but she must deal with this.

Once there is respite care in place and they can take a breath then is the time to discuss how they can move forward - if he can be convinced to do that and if OP wants that.

@daddywoe sending you a big hug. I can’t imagine how hard it this must be for you and your whole family.

Short term - safeguarding of your children is paramount. You are the only one who knows whether or not the bridge comment was a flippant remark or a genuine concern - context, tone, body language etc is everything which we don’t have here. I remmeber saying “I can understand why people shake their babies” about my newborn during a sleep deprived phase. Of course I hadn’t made plns to harm her and didn’t want to harm her but sleep deprivation on top of everything else is extremely challenging. no one told my husband to leave me on the basis of that singular comment but understood that this was a challenging time and I needed support. Ofc if you are at all in anyway concerned about the welfare of your child(ren) you need to get emergency help, DH has to move out and you get help at home for a few days at least. Even without the bridge comment, the fact he is telling her to her face he doesn’t like her is harmful and over time this will unlikely help her with her needs / behaviour. Others have suggested the national autistic helpline, I’m not sure what they can do in the acute situation but worth a try. Do you have any family members closeby who can help ?
Coudl DH have a week or two off work sick? If you could manage that financially he may be alone to sleep in the day whilst your daughter is at school,m and the two of you can have some much needed time together. If he hasn’t already seen the GP I would be strongly recommending that he does - they will be able to monitor his mental health at the moment and are best placed to see if he really is a harm to himself or others.

Longer term Lots of great advice on here already re respite, counselling, low demand management and a specialist PDA course. it sounds like your daughter already known to CAMHS? Would family therapy be an option?

I have no expertise or experience just couldn’t read and run. I really hope you can work through this.

It’s not easy but there is help available. If you’re willing to go to social services and say “I can’t cope” - they CAN provide support. I know several families with ND children who have gotten carers, respite, and other support.

Alternatively, OP could get help with her responsibilities - “mother’s help” type services - leaving her free to care for her DC.

Another important thing is OP educating herself on how to parent an ADHD child with ODD. It’s completely different and she could be unintentionally triggering some of the issues. There are free courses available for SEN parents. They really help and even better, you often make friends with others in similar positions.

Also worth considering the fact that if the OP’s DH is so provocative and confrontational with the child, his absence may make her calmer and thereby making it easier for OP.

I completely hear what you’re saying about the fact that OP has her own breaking point and there’s no easy solution but there is some help out there. Unfortunately you have to be at breaking point to get it.

OP, are you claiming DLA for your child? If not, you really should. It might give you the finances to explore options for extra help, even just cleaners, help with washing, cooking etc.

Great post. I hadn't heard of that before.

The only part of your comment that makes sense is where you agree that this is a crisis and he needs to not be with her unsupervised. I'm not sure why you're ranting at me.

Nobody can make him do anything at all
OP cannot make him raise her, cannot make him develop strategies or anything else.

Where did I say that OP or anyone should make him do any of these things?

If OP tries to force the man who has just said he wants to throw his daughter off a bridge to parent, he will probably just leave - and that's best case scenario.

I don't see anywhere in my post encouraging anyone to "force the man" to do anything, do you? Why are you putting words in my mouth?

and nobody can make him change his feelings.

I disagree. Yes a professional can help him work through his feelings. This could be some sort of situational depression or whatever it is but he need to see someone. He needs serious therapy for these thoughts of harming his child!

No I don't agree that OP should be the one to find the solution for him. Yes, OP can suggest these solutions to him afterall they're a couple. He doesn't need "convincing" as if he's a victim here! They need a social services needs assessment for care and respite, yes. He needs to speak to someone ASAP and keep away from her in the meantime.

We know that he would have to want to do these things for them to work but OP needs to protect her child. I'm not sure where you've read otherwise or why you seem to think that shouldn't be a priority.

Are you certain he really means this?
Or was he just at the end of his tether?

Is he going through some sort of depression? ASD is hard for families. People often think it is a quirky personality trait or 'superpower' but it is a debilitating disability for many children. My daughter has ASD and it is tough going. We love her to pieces of course but I also think my back ground in SEND helps. Imagine a parent who pictured a perfect family and wanted to be a perfect dad. He may be grieving the family he thought he would have. He may hate the way she challenges his ability to be the parent he thought hw would be. I do think him saying he doesn't love her and wants to throw her off a bridge is a red flag though. He needs mental health support quick time. Would he be open to speaking to a professional?

People are saying he needs professional help but if a woman was saying she thinks of harming her baby she absolutely would be monitored and not left alone with her child!! This man needs help. Major difference also being those women have just given birth and gone through major biochemical changes that alter their brain chemistry and the trauma and stress of childbirth and postpartum. It’s not actually comparable but clearly this man is also at crisis point and op needs to act on it!

Op he has clearly told you how he feels, please take it seriously.

You said he means it, and I think you are right.

Even in a moment of pure rage to say you want to kill your child is beyond serious, especially if he has outlined the way in which he would do it, things have gone too far and are now extremely dangerous.

He is ‘done’ because he recognises that he has crossed a line. He is now a grave risk to all of you, not just dd.

Please tell any close family members and friends, and look into support externally because I think it’s incredibly dangerous allowing this man to stay living with your young children. Whether he is at breaking point or the reasons for this are largely irrelevant.

I can hear the pain in your posts. The desperation of the situation. You need to work on a plan without him now, for your children’s sake.

So true I wouldn't be able to cope with a kid like it

It sounds like he is struggling to cope. Everything here is screaming mental health emergency (although the men haters won’t like that) please ring your GP today and explain

The safety of the children, particularly dd is the highest priority now.

Whether dh needs counselling, strategies etc is secondary.

Op needs to channel her energy into finding support, practical and emotional for herself and her children.

Dh can sort out his own therapy, he is an adult. For now he needs to leave, for the safety of the children, and OP’s finite resources will need to be used to ensure she can manage without him. She might see an improvement in her DD’s behaviour, children know when they are not liked or loved.

Correct. I was not sure about him leaving as I thought dh might have even more to do alone, but having re read the OPs posts again it sounds like he offers no help of any kind anyway, so yes.

And yes, without him there the child might not be so disruptive.

And you let him stay in the same house as her?!

He is a monster. He fantasizes about killing his own child, who he barely has to even interact with.

I feel for the dad tbh not everyone can cope with a disabled child and vilifying him won’t help . By all accounts he’s a good dad with the others so it’s the challenges of the 7 yrs old he can’t deal with .

I have an AUDHD teen, and PDA, she used to meltdown extremely after school. We have a well worn path about how to manage this and she is so much better at managing this now.

OP how is the decompression managed after school? Does she get her own space and time?

You can't. Seriously. I literally was that little girl growing up, and the ODD doesn't go away. I literally didn't do well in school, because I subconsciously was trying to stick it to my parents. It took realizing I wasn't going to graduate with my friends to turn things around. I still had to stay an extra year.

Op, when we deal with cases like this you have to work from
worse case scenario. You can’t afford to hope he won’t follow through, doesn’t mean it, is having a breakdown. All of those things can be true, but you can not take any chances here with the life of your child.

Please reach out for support today - social services, family and friends, the GP (organising counselling for you) the school, local care companies that can help, local charities. There is support.

This is not forever, this is just for now. One day at a time. 💐

I’m not trying to be pedantic but what you’ve stated is not factual and it’s important that it’s challenged precisely because there may be women who may read this who do have PND and they shouldn’t be misinformed.

If a woman had PND and had reported thoughts of harming her child, yes she would be offered professional help which could involve a specialist nurse, medication, therapy, even a mother and baby unit whether she would go informally or needed sectioning. But she may also be left alone with her child depending on the context and the perceived risk. Even women in mother and baby units are allowed time with their children alone (depending on the risk). If all women that have these thoughts believe they will have their children removed from them or not allowed to spend time with them alone, that increases the risk of them pretending those thoughts are not there and not getting the help they need, therefore placing the child at higher risk.

I 100% agree that OPs children may need to be safeguarded but that happens after a risk assessment from professionals who have spoken to OP/ DH, I don’t think we on mumsnet can decide whether this parent is not allowed to be with his child/ children alone based on two comments -(although it seems like DH in this case actually doesn’t want to spend time with them 7yr old and May benefit from some respite in the short term)

I also agree with PP who said it’s a good thing that he has said what he has said, as unpalatable as it is to hear, both OP and DH can get the help need whereas if he felt the need to bottle it up or pretend then the consequences could be high without anyone giving OP all the useful advice that she has has been given on this thread and will no doubt go on to get, because she has been armed with the knowledge of how he feels.

Sadly very common. Men go into marriage th thinking they are getting a lifelong service in their favour, and the status symbol of kids that someone else will care for. When this is harder work than they expect they quit.

See also: stats of men who leave their sick wives eg due to cancer

It’s not about vilifying anyone, it is about keeping the children safe. None of us can know he won’t snap and follow through, can you be sure he won’t?

A life of a seven year old could be in the balance, so of course this must be taken seriously.

He needs to remove himself from the situation and family home, and seek help for himself. Urgently.

Op will have enough to manage, she doesn’t need to take on his care as well, he is an adult. OP’s focus should be on how she will manage in the short term independently, and how she can best support herself and her children.

I had this with my 3rd child, a son with ASD and seems to hate dad. Luckily it was fleeting and he does make an effort now

He sounds depressed. Could he see the gp? Could you ask your local children centre for support? I think he needs therapy. I was in a similar situation to you op, I understand how hard it is.