My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

He doesn’t get to be done with her. He doesn’t have to love her or like her but he sure as hell doesn’t get to abandon her care to you 100% or neglect her. She is his responsibility… even if she is not his joy.

@Lucy2586 your repeated man bashing posts here are not really helping. This is a serious situation about one family in crisis not a general speculation about men's behaviour.

Please take this seriously. He didn’t say he fantasises about jumping off a bridge himself - but causing life ending harm to your daughter instead. His exhaustion and depression is very understandable given your daughter’s significant needs, but the fact he’s expressed fantasies of escaping his responsibility by harming your daughter rather than himself is extremely concerning.

Well maybe I am little sensitive because I dealt with this myself so I have first hand experience and believe me his behaviour almost pushed me over the edge more than anything. Not man bashing but certain people should not be parents. I love more daughter more fiercely and believe me I felt at breaking point myself but got help and resources for my child i didnt say I’d chuck her off a bridge. He’s the crisis he needs to go!!

if Social services at a whiff of this he’d be out and the op would be warned that if he came back kids would be removed. It’s serious alright.

This is exactly why some of us are talking about what he needs to do alongside what OP needs to do for her child. We should be paying attention to the OP, not what we think is better than other pp's posts.

@daddywoe I hope some of the posts here have helped you with the way forward. Please protect your daughter first, then do what you have to do.

Generally ASD runs in both families of parents and not just one, however subtle the symptoms.

With respect op, sounds as though your DH is currently unable to empathise or understand your DDs mind from her perspective. This exacerbates his reaction to her meltdowns. No theory of mind is an ASD trait. Which is why your DD is unable to understand how others experience her meltdowns.

Successful men are often undiagnosed because certain ASD traits are accepted or seen as typical male traits. Definitely something to consider as it might help you to manage the family crisis.

It’s not fair, but can he live outside the home for a while and get counselling? That leaves you doing everything but if it’s that or he leaves permanently, it might be the only option.

Why is she saying she hates him?
Is she disciplined for that?

You do not punish meltdowns.
You are concerned her father is burnt out? But no concern for a 7 year old who is likely in true autistic burn out!
The father has the agency to learn about his daughter's needs (and his own) but clearly he hasn't done so. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is devastating to experience. His dd will be hypersensitive to his feelings about her. It fuels anxiety and damages building relationships.His dd is dealing with immense dysregulation at school (sensory overload, emotional dysregulation, high demand levels, intense socialising etc. etc.) She comes home and experiences intense restraint collapse. She's experiencing high anxiety and expressing the dysregulation built up over the day.
Is that easy to cope with as a parent? No it bloody well isn't. But is what she's expericing worse? Absolutely it is.

Its essential that this child's profile of autism is fully assessed. Typical asd would suggest structure and routine helps regulation. A PDA profile would suggest increased autonomy and an extremely low demand environment. How are her sensory needs being met? Has she had on OT assessment? Would swings, rolling, pressure, auditory adaptations etc.etc. help?

Many of us have been there, and could give accounts of extreme behaviours and intensely challenging situations. There are massively supportive online forums and groups. And life really can change for everyone but it requires the adults to focus on the child's needs first.

Goodness I hope your not a social worker. The guy is more than likley venting under immense pressure and unhappiness from dealing with what can be a very difficult affliction to his child. He vented to his life partner - get some context.

he's fantasising about a normal life without the difficulties she brings and whst do you think his 7 year old daughter fantasises about? Probably starts with wishing she had a father who loves her.

I do, actually.

My sympathy, OP. I have a ND child who i parent alone so I understand how hard it can be.
Your husband is an adult here, and an adult who literally has to deal with children only on weekends. He should get some counselling and get himself together, and certainly stop "throwing off the bridge" language. Massively unfair on you and your children as you clearly didn't sign up to be a single parent or to parent a grown child of your MIL.

You are minimising his refusal to even continue to talk to about dd much, much less parent her in any capacity. He has declared he does not love or like her - and that he wishes to end his child’s life by throwing her off a bridge.

At what point can any professional or any one of us deduce that he is simply ‘venting’?

How on earth can you possibly know that? How do you know he won’t follow through?

You don’t know - and so it is extremely dangerous to post advice given a broken mother false hope that he doesn’t mean it, he might mean every word of it.

I would fully expect any social worker to move at pace to support a family in crisis like this, such support would benefit op potentially at this point.

OP @daddywoe Do you mean he's already planning to leave you? I can tell this will be difficult for you but if he's a danger/hindrance to her wellbeing then that's the best option. He's failed his daughter unless he chooses to do something about it and step up. He has a lot of work to do.

Meanwhile, I hope you can find some help and support with your children.

ASD can be very different in different children Zippidydoodah If you really have experience of this you should know that. Easytoconfuse is bang on imo, particularly the point about families being completely wrecked not being uncommon. Thankfully asd is a wide spectrum disorder so many cases can be managed effectively - but a significant proportion are extremely difficult.

I mean... That's simply untrue. He absolutely gets to. As could op.

From my own experience. I once told my partner I was ready to give child a lift down to the bridge that they were threatening to jump off and wave them goodbye - this was after a prolonged series of violent meltdowns. I had no intention of doing that - but man did it give some release to say it... That's more likley the situation surely. I do agree with you though that the family is in crisis and need external help. Help to manage together though.

Then I hope and pray that you have family and good support services who help you. I won't say that I hope you have the sort of child that dissolves into a puddle of inconsolable guilt rather than melting down because I've got one of each and while the puddle is quieter I think more damage is done when it happens. It wasn't meant as a sarcastic question, but as a 'what experience do you have?' I don't know about you, but sometimes I find that knowing that someone else has gone ahead of me, and is in calmer waters very reassuring, especially if they can say 'yes, it hurt like hell and I felt so useless but here's how we came through'. Obviously, I know the next storm's probably just round the corner, but mums soon learn to take what they can get, don't they?

No one is suggesting that parents and siblings of children with complex and challenging needs aren't massively affected. Or that help from services is readily available (sadly).
The point is, that this man doesn't get to vent at his daughter (e.g. answering tit for tat when his dd is in meltdown) or fantasise about pushing his child off a bridge without seeking advice himself!

I guess he can't cope with her saying she hates him, particularly if he's been a good dad and done his best for her. It can be very hard to carry on loving someone who says they hate you and I assume she says it with conviction. I know she's little and doesn't really understand what she is saying, but it would still be a dagger in the heart for some people.

He can't cope with his dd saying she hates him??
He needs to stop and consider what his dd is expected to "cope" with every minute of every day. And what the OP is expected to "cope" with.

Does it not occur to you that he may be trying a different tactic with the child to disarm them in a meltdown ? Though I would agree - it's a risky strategy and probably ill advised. I can though understand getting desperate enough to try it.

maybe he isn’t, would you take the risk? I certainly wouldn’t.

No, he wouldn’t. Social services are not all about removing children and apportioning blame. OP, or indeed her DH, can self refer to SS and explain that they need help with what sounds like a very challenging situation and an understandable, if extreme reaction to the relentless slog it will have become. SS will have experience of these kinds of situations and will be able to suggest resources available, and work with the family.

@Easytoconfuse I am single mother to a glorious young woman diagnosed autistic with PDA profile, dyslexia and highly likely adhd.

We had years of intensely difficult times. Formal education broke down by the time she was 9 and we'd exhausted all potential options and the LA finally acknowledged there was no school could meet her needs and gave us a budget for EOTAS. I'd already had to stop working.
My dd experienced extreme meltdowns and extreme self loathing. Years of self harm were devastating to witness. Hearing her ask "How can you love me when I'm so horrible?" Her sobbing that "if this is what life is like she didn't want it."

For us, it was embracing wholeheartedly a PDA informed life style that very gradually brought about change. Shes 21 now. Lives with partner and able to work (part time). She's learned to understand herself and how to monitor and regulate. But her life remains more challenging than for the majority of her peers. But its a good life and we have the most fantastic relationship!

None of it has been easy, but I'm writing this in response to you saying you get hope from people further down the line than you.

Do keep the hope for your precious dc and your family ❤️