My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

He wouldn’t be left alone with my child EVER. I’d ask him to leave to stay with family if he can and to come back daily to help with the other 2. I’d be clear I couldn’t live with someone who had made me worry for my child’s safety. Men killing their children happens too often. It’s not something to be taken lightly.

I strongly suggest that you speak to the safe guarding lead person at your school & seek help & advice tomorrow
They may help with respite care & other things for you as a family
You need to protect your children & yourself

@daddywoe is there anyone who can help out - grandparents or other family or friends? Maybe an overnight stay occasionally? Could DH have a night away occasionally to catch up on sleep? Does he ever get time with the other kids without her there? Someone else mentioned respite care & I think you need to look into ways to get some support so that the rest of the family can get some peace (presumably the other 2 children have to cope with this situation too?) It sounds like he’s exhausted & overwhelmed (you probably are too). I’m sure he has no intention of throwing her off a bridge. Sorry it all sounds quite stressful.

I think you both need to get professional support and input. DS had an awful year and it nearly broke me and DH and I can easily see how if we hadn’t come out the other end how those kinds of intrusive awful thoughts would creep in - at the worst of it I think I did say I couldn’t do this anymore and I was done because at times being pushed to my limit I was I really almost was

and see if you can join groups or get support from others

He has had this thought, multiple times, with excitement

where has OP said this?

My husband and I lived through this. It was awful but at least we didn't have ODD to deal with. I look back now and nothing would persuade me to live through it again. Things do get better generally speaking with age and maturity. Two things that I found helpful was finding something to compliment the child about - I was once reduced to suggesting that they were very good at spotting the shortest supermarket queue. The other thing was to ignore meltdowns if you possibly can - just leave them kicking and screaming on the floor - and walk away. I will say that having a non-neurotypical child can push parents to the edge and judgment by parents not in that situation or having "easy" non-neurotypical children is not helpful. But it is still shocking that your husband is just prepared to walk away and leave you with it all. I am forever grateful that my husband stuck by us during those awful years. I am not sure that respite care is as easy to get as some PP suggest either.

Do you know what the word fantasises means?

Do you have any help @daddywoe ? We are having a hard time with our asd son as well but it has def been worse. He used to smash up the house, hit me and his dad and himself. Puberty was awful (12-14), he was able to control worst impulses after that. I still need to give him Tercian every evening so he doesn't get a fit and sertraline for ocd.

It's really tough on everyone and your dh lacks sleep which makes everything worse. When our son was the worst I told my dh to let me handle him because as a sahm I don't have the additional stress from work. I am able to stay calm and see his behaviour for what it is: him suffering. Ask your dh to let you deal with your daughter atleast for now. Let him deal with the other kids. Maybe this can save your marriage because he's at a breaking point and as a sahm you have more emotional ressources to deal with her.

long post disappeared when I posted … so deleted cause half a sentence didn’t make sense

Sounds like really good advice.

Respite care is another suggestion that was mentioned.

You don't have to do this alone.

And Barnbrack, we don't all react the same. OP has said he is normally a good dad so this "throwing her off a bridge" comment does not correlate with that. I'd cut him slack on this and hope he can get help to cope better.

Very helpful with those links.

OP hasn't mentioned in her comments what help the family is getting, but they should take all the help they need. I'd imagine it's very difficult if nigh on impossible in navigating this without proper help.

The people on here saying they wouldn't love an autistic child! 😱😢 That's so, so sad. Poor little children. It's not their fault they have autism.

OP's DH has clearly come to the end of his tether. I have no idea if what he said means he's dangerous or not, but maybe he could go and stay somewhere else for a week or two, to give him a break.

I suppose if he really can't stand it, he'll have to leave permanently.

He is not going to do it with you though. This is not the time for wishes, it's the time for action based on reality.

Contact some of the organisations I listed earlier and don't leave him alone with your daughter at all.

As I said you BOTH need respite. Now is the time to organise that. Right now.

i think he is depressed and struggling. Would he be willing to see the GP?

There’s lots of really solid practical advice on this thread.

I guess my question is whether OP’s DH is willing to put in the work to understand what’s going wrong and why? Even with support things don’t magically get better overnight and it’s still hard.

As PP said, I think there’s a very big difference between saying “I can’t do this any more, I wish we didn’t have them” and “I fantasise about throwing them off a bridge”.

Lots of SEN parents have been through tough, tough times - I imagine lots have probably thought the former at one time or another, but the latter?! Yikes. Definitely not.

And more than that OP, he’s telling a 7 yr old child that he doesn’t love her and wishes she wasn’t there. That’s going to cause irreparable damage, especially if she has RSD. He’s doing harm that will be very hard to unpick.

I don’t know what to say to you OP other than you might not feel as if you can fo this alone but you absolutely can. It might be exhausting and hard, but I really think you need to ask him to leave the house for a while, even temporarily.

Do you have any other support? Family? Friends? Have you been on any courses yourself to learn about parenting a neurodivergent abd/or oppositional child? Recognising and minimising the triggers can help.

You mention the very common shaken fizzy bottle effect after school - have you tried going to the park before going home? OT recommended it to us and it helped. It provided an outlet for the pent- up stress and anxiety.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Marital breakups are common with SEN families because it IS so bloody hard. But his willingness to show his disdain to your child needs to be stopped now. If he can’t rein himself in, he can’t be around her.

Sending you love.

I am an autistic/ADHD woman with two autistic DC, one of whom who also has PDA and ADHD. I get it 💐

He has told the daughter.
And he fantasises another throwing her off the bridge.

Op also said he is a hands off dad. Hmmm

OP doing it alone may very well push her to beyond breaking point as well. Sometimes people are right when they say they can’t do it alone.

It’s a shit situation for you and your husband OP, not to mention your other two children who are currently having to endure this environment.

There’s no easy answer here.

Lots of women have PND and have similar thoughts….no one would dream about saying LTB they would get sympathy and advice of seeking professional help and babies don’t scream hateful comments day in day out

It can be done alone i didnt think I’d cope without my DD two night sleep over at her dads but when I realised he couldn’t even manage that and was saying quite harsh things I stopped it and guess what? Shes easier, he stresses her out more their house is chaos unlike our peaceful home. She has her moments still I had a dreadful day with her last week but way less frequent. This child will be picking up on this man’s malice.

Thoughts of suicide or harm to oneself or others is a crisis point! If he's fantasising about this, I'd consider him a danger to her. He needs to stay away from her for now, go take a break somewhere and give his head a wobble, then he should contact a therapist that can help him work through this feeling of hate, anger and resentment he feels for his disabled child, and help him with strategies to cope with raising her.

He needs to learn how to raise his own child regardless of how difficult it is. It shouldn't fall only on you.

Still, he needs to not be around her for now for her own safety. This is SS report worthy tbh so you need to proactively protect her before it gets to that.

If a woman had PND and was telling a child capable of comprehension that she hated them and admitted that she was fantasising about chucking them off a bridge, Social Services would be stepping in sharpish.

That has all the red flags you could ask for. It’s not a situation where they just shrug and pat you on the back. It’s serious.

Also, statistically, men are more likely to become violent when they reach crisis point - that makes him even more of a potential danger. That’s without considering the damage that he’s doing with how he’s treating her and what he’s saying to her face.