My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

Omg I cannot stand this site. In what world does anyone think it’s ok to say that. I do not care how much this man is struggling he needs to go and remove himself from the situation.

He has told a 7 year old he hates her. Seriously do not respond it makes me feel sick. He I a an adult i do not give a shit how he feels. There is a child that could very well be in serious danger. Fuck off

I don't know what you find so offensive about a slang term that means "to share the work"

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/muck-in

Did you not know what it means?

Not caring about him doesn’t require you to peddle bullshit.

Support for him is not just in his interests, but in the interests of OP and his children.

I don't 'find it offensive', I find it a dumb way to describe parenting. But each to their own!

I actually agree with you. The minimising and excusing of this particular adult man is shocking. When you think of the catastrophic consequences if op follows some of this deeply flawed advice - it just doesn’t bear thinking about.

He is openly saying he hates his child and that he would like to throw her off a bridge. How much more does he need to do?! Actually follow through… even then I suspect we would hear that he was ‘pushed to it’ - it is sickening.

He can go and advocate for himself, he can go and book a hotel room he can do anything he wants. This is a distressed little girl this country has gone bat shit in the last 5 years people are ruthless.

It's a description of working together, not parenting specifically 🤣

Of all the things on here, and you're asking the Lord for strength to handle a slang term. Each to their own.

It is unbelievable as a parent I have been pushed to the brink myself. You put your big boy pants on you go and get your head sorted out and you advocate for your child not threaten to murder them bevause an hour a day of parenting is ruining your little snowflake head. Kick the bastard out.

Sure, he can indeed do those things. He may have done just that already. It seems OP would rather he didn’t though, given that she’s also struggling and him doing that may well push her past her own breaking point. What would that mean for the 7 year old? Or indeed the other two children who are by no means less important than their sister?

Lmao, maybe 😂 me personally I would describe a team project at work as 'mucking in', not a Dad parenting his kids. But I'm not going to debate that any further as don't wanna derail OP's thread when she clearly needs advice.

However the longer I dwell on this thread the less sympathy I have for OPs husband. It reminds me of a thread a while back from a different poster - OP, OP's husband and her young children were all very unwell and OP's husband told her 'i must be more ill than you as I can't get out of bed to look after the kids'. OP pointing out she didn't have a choice, he wasn't doing it and the kids needed looking after regardless of how ill she felt fell on deaf ears.

It probably is very difficult for him but he doesn't get to decide he's at the end of his tether and leave it all to you OP. He sees her an hour and evening (so not much 'mucking in' 😉). She can't help being ND. She can't stop being ND so he needs to look at ways to manage that and manage his expectations. And as I said in my first post, look at support available!

Well he’s only there an hour a day i am sure she will manage even if he just goes for week and come back less scary.

Op might well feel daunted going it alone, but what choice does she have? He is no longer a safe person, and no parent is going to leave a highly vulnerable young child in his care even for five minutes given what he has said.

Wow. Parenting a child with such severe problems is very difficult and can force families to breaking point. OP says he’s always been a hands on dad, and that poster’s DH was clearly an arsehole. It’s not the same thing at all.

'Throwing her off a bridge'??

Monster

And I'd be terrified he'd do it

As described by myself and several other posters with professional experience of this kind of situation - voicing a fleeting thought such as this and actually acting on it are two different things, and a world apart. The comment was made as a result of frustration and exhaustion, not anger. Surely you’re not naive enough to think that many people haven’t had such thoughts at times of similar stress ? Several posters have commented that they have, and it doesn’t mean they are a danger to their children.

I've not said it's not? But if both of this young childs parents said 'you know what, this is too much actually, I'm out' then where would that leave her?

Of course they're at breaking point but it is generally more socially acceptable for men to hold their hands up and wash their hands of parenting when it gets difficult. That's the only point I was trying to make.

I hope OP and her family get the support they need to make this easier for all of them.

How in gods name do you know he won’t do it?????

You have no idea at all either about his state of mind or his capacity for harm.

What an extraordinarily irresponsible post.

The child is at risk, serious risk best case.

I can guarantee you that social services wouldn’t see it that way if it was reported to them. They would look at the situation and realise that this was letting off steam and not actually said with anger or intent. If the family is to stay together, as OP says she wants, they need professional input, and soon. Unfortunately it’s not easy to access, which is why families end up in this situation. But as ever, not much insight here - just the usual advice to LTB.

You asked me that question upthread and I answered it.

Are you the husband?

Because you are on here making a lot of excuses and putting a child at serious risk. Fortunately most of the thread doesn’t agree with you.

I think plenty agree, they may not be as persistent as some but in any event, it doesn’t make those advocating for immediate removal of the husband correct.

It’s about intent. And something said out of frustration when you’re at the end of your tether doesn’t have the same intent as when it’s said in anger. I find it more concerning that he’s essentially saying ‘right back at you’ when DD says she hates him, not because he actually does - any more than he would actually throw her off a bridge - but because it signals that he’s reached the end of what he can reasonably cope with and he’s about to leave. In my experience people say lots of things they don’t mean in times of stress, and when the situation is calmer, are horrified that they’ve even thought it, and these thoughts don’t match up with their actions.

There was research published last month about the high number of parent carers who find themselves in a similar situation. Around half have considered suicide, some have considered suicide/homicide. This isn't a unique reaction. It's just not one that people feel comfortable talking about.

The LTB/what an awful human being/he doesn't deserve to have a family responses here just emphasise why very, very few of the parent carers who reach this point in their own deteriorating mental health feel so stigmatised that they will never, ever seek support.

www.birmingham.ac.uk/about/college-of-social-sciences/policy-engagement/parent-carers

No. I’m not the husband and fortunately for the clients I dealt with during my working life I tended to rely more on actual facts and experience than hysteria. Context is everything.

This. Couldn’t agree more.