My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

There's really not enough information in the post to make an assessment of 'serious risk of harm'

Lots of people have evil thoughts but thankfully the reality is that the vast majority of the time people don't enact those thoughts - you'd want to see evidence of intent /of planning/ other risk factors like disinhibition or impulsivity and the best indicator of future risk is previous behaviour

For example fascination with fires/ setting things alight/ even a bit of playing with fire is not uncommon but arson is pretty rare

I’ve just read the first page of this. One of my part time jobs was driving minibuses with some seriously autistic/unwell children and adults, and the look that you used to get from some of the parents at the beginning of half term/full term holidays was a mixture of fear, dread, devastation and yes tears.

we would turn up at 0845 or 0900 roughly the same time every morning, the children would happy to get on the minibus, and it gave the parents six/seven hours a day to themselves, to do what they wanted, clean the house, do the ironing, in the early days of that job, I was shocked how many parents “just slept” and looked happy and refreshed they had managed to have good kip.

Not everyone wants to work long hours and come home to abuse, and not everyone has it in their armour to allow days/months/years/decades of abuse to unaffect them.

i take my hat off to anyone who lives with a family member with issues such as these I genuinely do. I hope and pray that you and your husband find it easier extremely soon. xxxxx

I think you have fundamentally misunderstood the law to be honest. You actually can’t just say whatever you like and that’s fine. It doesn’t work that way at all.
Threats to kill carries a custodial sentence for example.

It would have to be interpreted as a threat to kill. And this clearly wasn’t. It was the voicing of a thought in a situation of high stress. As I said context is everything. He was venting to his partner, not threatening to kill his daughter.

A trend in health variations, like a natural trend or a feature?

@Nestingbirds Did you even read what I wrote about assessment of risk?

I doubt I have 'fundamentally misunderstood the law' with my professional experience in forensic psych

Anyone saying that that they have had thoughts of seriously harming someone is not making a 'threat to kill' - it's simply verbalising the homicidal thoughts

,

You simply can not know that,
Many children are murdered by their fathers. This is hardly breaking news Ross.

What a great day, poster. To bring it on mumsnet, wait now someone to call the police on you and SS because of this post. Or people to advise you to call the police on him .....or better: let him go to therapy to explore his child killing urges.

Some things are meant to be considered first, before posted.

I have over twenty years experience of working with families in these circumstances and have heard many similar comments from those under stress - happy to report that not one of them has ever followed through and in all of those cases where social services were involved, they were not considered threats because the context and circumstances in which they were said was taken into account.

Of course nobody can know for sure but experience and a knowledge of the circumstances and past history play their part. That’s why parents aren’t lining up to throw their children off bridges and prisons aren’t overflowing with people arrested by the thought police.

You’re arguing with people on this thread who are clearly professional - the latest was with a forensic psych whom you accused of misinterpreting the law !! I’m done trying to explain this to you because all I’m getting back is the same stuff you’re doubling down on, rudeness and now you’re patronising. Please stop tagging me because I won’t be responding - we’ll have to agree to disagree instead of derailing OP’s thread further.

Why ? MN is supposed to be a place to come to for support. Not much evidence of that on this thread I grant you, but that was the original intention.

on average there are 10 children murdered by their parents/year

that's out of over 14 million children

10 too many but not 'many children murdered by their fathers'

why are you exagerating like this?

www.willispalmer.com/nspcc-one-child-killed-every-week-in-uk/

Presumably because in the absence of actual fact, knee jerk reactions and hyperbole are all that’s left. That and insulting those posting from experience, both professional and personal.

There is something very sinister going on with this thread, so I am out.

You are correct I read the NSPCC website wrongly - apologies -10 did seem too low

I actually read the thread I made when so angry and hurt and rejected by my (not ND) DS. I can see reading it I was suffering from post natal depression actually although that wasn’t clear to me at the time.

It was a painful read. What was most painful were the theatrical chest beaters urging me to leave, report myself to SS as I was a danger and so on.

Throwing someone over a bridge would be a ‘snap’ action and not in line with confessing in darkness and despair that you feel like it.

it is not terminal 3 at Manchester airport; your departure does not need an announcement.

This report is on child deaths, and doesn’t specifically mention the incidence in families under similar stress to OP’s. And the report is outdated - the figures used are averages between 2014 and 2019. Glad to see you’re bowing out of the thread because you really aren’t contributing anything and your advice to OP is anything but objective.

I can really empathize with this situation, and we have been in a similar situation. I think it is very common in families with autistic children, my husband has really, really struggled with this dynamic too as he has felt extremely hurt and rejected by our child. What has helped is resetting the family dynamics, as hard as it may seem to hear, both of the parents need to change how you’re parenting to reset this. Sounds like the challenge might be finding the time for your husband to spend time with your daughter. Do they have things in common they can enjoy doing together? Making models or nature walks or playing games? It may be that you need to step back and not be the primary parent when you’re all together, not sure if you intervene and try and keep the peace by managing thier relationship, but maybe you need to step back and let them negotiate the terms of that themselves. If you can improve the communication between the two of you that may help. And also if possible get some support for yourselves and therapy, having autistic children is hard work and particularly as one or both parents may also be neurodivergent. I hope things improve for you all.

An average of 84 child deaths per year up to 2019, but these were across a range of circumstances - only 15% were overt or covert homicide.

Thanks - this what I looked at from this July - my laptop is mis-behaving [everything jumping around] and read it too quickly

• In the last five years there was an average of 56 child deaths by assault or undetermined intent a year in the UK.
• Children under the age of one are the most likely age group to be killed by another person, followed by 16- to 24-year-olds.
• Child homicides are most commonly caused by the child’s parent or step-parent. NSPCC

Anyway thankfully a rare occurence

Not being intimately familiar with her circumstances, I don’t know the extent of her choices. It is, if she and her husband are willing, quite possible to preserve the family unit.

What he said, when considered contextually, does not mean that social services would remove the child from his care, or that OP has no choice but to go it alone*.

*going it alone doesn’t always lead to the improved outcome you seem to think it will. Sometimes, when people say they won’t be able to cope, they’re absolutely correct. Children like OP’s daughter can and do end up in foster care because a single parent cannot cope alone and has psychologically collapsed. The impact on the neurotypical siblings also cannot be dismissed as inconsequential either.

You need to tell him he needs to leave for a period. Any parent saying they want to throw a child off a bridge shouldn’t be around them. Sounds like he’s at breaking point. You don’t want him to even accidentally hurt her out of rage.

Thankyou for that- I've shown my colleague this thread as it contains some good pointers and advice for how she (and I if she needs my support) might move forward from her current situation and ensure both her sons reach their full potential

OP didn’t say it was said from rage - more frustration and exhaustion. This was discussed at length upthread. It’s unlikely he’s a threat to DD - it’s more likely he’s expressing that he’s not coping. The OP has already said that he isn’t sleeping and explained how complicated her DD’s condition is in updates.