My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

That is terrifying, I would ask him to leave immediately.

Great advice!!

OP, you are lovely! I feel for you!! Having an a child with Autism or ADHD can be hard, and your little one has both. Your hubby needs to understand that she has these conditions, she is not rude or difficult deliberately! She needs his unconditional love and support more than anything! I’ve suspected ADHD as does my daughter (we have been waiting for ages for a diagnosis…) and when she has a meltdown or she is anxious, I always show up for her and hold space for her. I just tell her, I know you have big feelings and they are hard to deal with, but you’ll learn it, and I’m here for you and love you no matter what! She is getting so much better with self soothing and re-regulating herself, they develop new neural pathways when you are there for them and love them through their difficult times! You just sit there and if they want a cuddle, you can offer it. Mine usually doesn’t want a cuddle when she is angry or upset but once she started to calm down, she always wants cuddles. Your husband doesn’t know what to do and blames your daughter for his feelings of inadequacy. Just talk to him about this like I said above. He needs to upskill a bit but he can do it. If needed, get some extra support! Sending you big hugs, this is a difficult time for you, you are wonderful!

I was going to say maybe he just hasn't come to terms with her diagnosis and differences and had simply expected his children to fit into a 'normal' pigeon hole.

But after reading that he has thoughts of harming her - it might also be that he is extremely overwhelmed by her challenging behaviour and this is leading him to have these negative emotions.

I'm not sure on the specifics of your child's challenges but it might be a good idea to ask for support from social services. By that I mean you guys might qualify for carers support. They might be able to give your husband an external avenue to talk about his issues and maybe meet other parents going through similar experiences.

From your husband's point of view I think he might need some time to cool off and maybe have an avenue to relax and see if his mental state improves. He might then reconsider some of the things he's said so far.

The term "challenging behaviour" is sometimes an understatement, people and children that have these issues are very challenging to deal with. So how your husband is feeling is totally understandable and he won't be the first parent to experience these negative thoughts.

So it's important not to vilify him and just give him the maximum possibility of coming out of this with a better outlook.

Good luck.

Coping with children with extra needs when you may have extra needs yourself is incredibly hard.
Firstly, it’s good he’s admitting how difficult he is finding it.
He is also the adult and therefore has to work out how to cope.
Education about the various conditions helps as does some sort of parenting course specifically for parents of children/young people with ADHD/asd.
Reducing both demands and expectations is the key.
Learning about non-violent resistance, understanding his own triggers will also help.
Finding time to develop a bond with your daughter- even if it’s just watching movies together.
For slightly older children (ime) giving ‘presents’ helps develop this too. By this I mean giving the child something you know they will like or they need - and specifically saying something like ‘I saw this in the shop and I thought you would really like it’ - so the get the message that you are thinking about them with love -the present can be a chocolate or a deodorant that you were going to buy anyway (to keep costs down!). By performing these small acts of love and care you will increase the amount of positive interactions with the child/young person- often badly needed when emotions are heightened.
Lastly- your dh needs to do something that helps him destress- in our case running is fantastic. It’s important to put on your oxygen mask first before you can deal with the children.

Brilliant! You ought to be available on the NHS.

^This. I’ve coped with numerous meltdowns from my adopted DD1 (now 16). She was violent towards me most days between the ages of 6 and 10, and occasionally towards DD2 (now 13). She would also throw things and try to break them, particularly her glasses and hearing aids.

Following therapy, she completely stopped attacking me, though she still throws things and swears at us.

I’ve been at the end of my tether with her, and at times I’ve been afraid of her, as she can be intimidating when in a rage. But I know that she’s ND, still waiting for her diagnosis, and has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. She needs help and support, not judgement and rejection. She’s also young for her age and vulnerable.

DD1 can also be funny, loving and loves life. She loves doing fun activities with us. So there are many bright points to hold on to.

Even in the days when she was being violent towards me, I never once had any thoughts of harming her and neither has my DH, who has always spent a lot more than one hour a day with her and been very hands-on.

I’m afraid I don’t think I’d be able to get back from hearing my DH saying he fantasised about harming her.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you.

The fact is that some people when they really aren't coping do get extreme and terrifying thoughts. People who think he's dreadful for having them have just been lucky enough to not be in that situation. Most doctors and most professionals in this field know that. The key for them is knowing who is horrified at the thoughts and asking for help, and who is talking as if it's realistic. It's probably a good thing that your husband told you this at all and a sign that there is a lot of trust in you.

Your family urgently needs outside help. Immediately. He's not coping at all (I get it, two ND children too, one with violent meltdowns, and an ex-husband who got his rocks off on undermining me).

Please @daddywoe go to the doctor immediately. Be -honest- about how bad it is. Those are some scary thoughts he's having, and like others who've been in this situation I get it, but I also know he needs help, and soon.

@RedRedCapris suggested speaking to the safe guarding lead person at school. Please do this. @SpidersAreShitheads posts on this thread are gold.

A SEN parenting course may be really valuable for him and you. Probably essential.

In practical terms for now, it's actually not bad if he steps back mentally from her. With a difficult autistic child I actually got to the point of imagining a mask over my face and smoothing it out, and treating him as a super-difficult member of the public that I had responsibility for. It helped at the time - could that mental trick help him? it's a deliberate stepping back but it's better than just walking away and you can put the mask off later when it's not needed.

Also, you need to try to build in a bit of time each day for yourself, which may seem overwhelming right now but if you're dealing with the children every day on your except for a short time before bed, that's a big strain on you. Whatever gives you peace, try to build it in 2 x a day for ten minutes at least.

I looked up some sites but you can look up more to get external help. Tell them it's an emergency as your husband has had brief fantasies of hurting her.

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

https://www.childautism.org.uk/

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/ (There's a helpline for parents at the bottom)

your local council may be able to help (emphasis, 'may').

And last but really not least, the doctor.

It can be utter hell with an aggressive and/or violent child. It -will- get better, but it can be a long hard road.

Also - you can skim over and dismiss a lot of the more unhelpful or stupid comments like 'leave him'. How, exactly, are you meant to cope with 2 NT children and a very very challenging 3rd ND child on your own? That's a recipe for a breakdown in 3 months.

There's no point to people saying 'he's a bad dad'. There's no prize for this self-indulgent moral game-playing, can only make you feel bad (what's the point of that?) and it makes no practical difference to solving the situation. He's tried, and he's at the end of his tether, and good or bad he's still her dad. At this point the only thing that's going to help is accepting that he is where he is and he can't cope, and needs help.

OP that sounds like a terrible situation to be in, I feel for all of you.
Your husband needs help. And you need him. And your kids need you both.
Pull out all the stops, give this your highest priority, your husband needs help. Put on his oxygen mask and he can be again the rock you need.

I did now out and I have a very clear understanding so Dont be so patronising

Exactly my point i just would not take that risk. I’ve been on my knees burnt out trying to get an anxious child avoiding school into school and never once has a thought of harming her crossed my mind. I felt like running away, asking my mother to take her for a couple of days. Throwing her off bridge? Nah never in a million and years and if I heard anyone else say it they’d be the one who would have to worry.

what a tool. What about the poor child. He’s a man a grown man ffs. He’s not trapped he can walk and he should becuase he isn’t right in the head.

I have said things in anger that I regret but not this. I am telling you 100% if he had said this in ear shot of someone doorbell etc and they called the police her be in trouble. I have seen this happen. Can’t believe people can’t see how wrong this is.

You've got the context wrong plus exaggerating with multiple times. Obviously awful to say it even once but you dont need to over exagerate the situation.

Whilst I understand what your saying I do feel that sometimes an ND diagnosis is treated a bit like a get out of jail free card.
Surely boundaries are still needed and abusive behaviour should be dealt with especially in those with aggressive tendencies.
It's the siblings I feel sorry for.
A colleague has a difficult autistic child and his 6 year old brother can't understand why he has to live with a sibling that spits, hits, kicks and says vile things to him and mum and dad. If he retaliates he gets disciplined but his brother doesn't which just confuses him more. He's becoming a very introverted anxious little boy.

Meltdowns are not behavioural, my son had seizures, our neurologist told us when the perfect storm occurs he can no more not meltdown than he can not have a seizure. As such we avoid triggers for both.

We still have boundaries. Obviously. He's not allowed to hurt anyone obviously and if he remotely tries to I stand between him and any other human particularly his wee sister. Over the years he knows his triggers and has coping mechanisms we're constantly working on to help him manage his emotions and avoid meltdowns.

Do you know who feels worst after a meltdown? My son. The regret, the shame. It all needa to be worked through. And he's a complete rule followers, his biggest trigger is accidentally breaking a rule.

You're speaking on subjects you have no understanding of, it's the equivalent of calling a wheelchair using child lazy for not walking

Just asking in relation to what I see with my colleagues sons.
Your last comment was nasty, un-necessary and un-called for - a failing often on these forums I've noticed.

Yep! I've cried, I've done a school drop off and called in sick to work to recover from an ankle sprained when he threw himself at me dramatically while anxious going in to school. I have had arms covered in bite marks. I love my children and wouldn't and could t harm them

So it's acceptable to suggest children with neurodevelopmental disorders should be punished harshly for their disability yet unacceptable and unnecessary to suggest that you actually have no frame of reference for your comment? I'm the nasty one while you complain about disabled children not being punished harshly enough?

It's a complex process and the pathway depends on many factors as I said in my post.

But the bottom line remains that a meltdown, even a violent one isn't a behaviour issue to correct. It's the child signalling unnmet needs. And if this is happening regularly then the child is overwhelmed by dysregulation and living life in a heightened state which is horrendous for them.

Of course it's hard for siblings too and the OP could seek support for them e.g. through young carers support.

It's a long term process but people have the desire to find a way to 'fix' things in the immediate situation. It has to be approached from a safeguarding perspective first and foremost for all the siblings. The implementation of boundaries will vary from family to family. And how those boundaries are drawn, discussed, and applied may be done in much more subtle ways than a list of rules and sanctions.

I dont know if you've genuinely seen parents using a 'get out of jail free' card. Or whether you've simply witnessed work in progress.

What I can tell you it's entirely possible to support a child who has extreme and violent meltdowns to become an adult with no violent behaviours whatsoever, without using sanctions and punishments.

I wish I could say that it had been without experiencing judgement from others along the way but that would be a lie.

He has 'mucked in'?? Lord give me strength, he should be 'parenting', not 'mucking in' 😭

Some of the comments on this thread about ND children are disgusting. My brother is ND and I was previously a carer for ND young people aged 5 - 25. I never once met anyone who didn't have any redeemable qualities regardless of any behavioural issues they had - there was not one who was 'impossible to love'.

Can only echo others that it sounds like you both need more support - my Mum got respite for my brother and it did really help. It's not easy - I remember my brother breaking her bed one night and she burst into tears, saying she didn't know what to do anymore. Her and my Dad had divorced by that point, she was mostly doing it all alone. She really struggled with brother at times but I never doubted that she loved all of us exactly the same.

Do you have a local family support line at the council you can ring to say you're worried there's going to be a family breakdown if something doesn't change? You can tell them what your husband said. Are there are any parenting groups geared towards Dad's locally that he could attend? Or men's mental health groups?

I know ultimately it is him who needs to accept that he needs support/advice etc. but I think sometimes when you're in a difficult time it can be hard to see an end in sight. For you as well OP. I hope you get the support you need, it is bloody difficult at times but it won't last forever ❤

Brilliant answer. I do my best to think of a meltdown as like a hurricane. It may not always be a very good best, but it still helps. You can't reason with it when it's hitting, but you can try to remember ABC - Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequences and learn from it.

I just wish there was support quickly available for all families in crisis. OP, if you are reading this, you are a good parent. You're still there and doing your best, so you must be. Has at got worse since the school holidays? If so, then is it worth asking the school how she's doing there? Girls have a habit of masking at school and then lashing out against the people they know they're safe with. Might be worth reminding you and your hubby of this. Not the compliment you want, but it always helped me to know that they felt safe enough to let it all out with (or against) me. My daughter at that age routinely told me I was the worst parent ever and she hated me. Now she's in her 20's and we have a lovely relationship.

I had to leave my job because I am a single parent but her dad taking her to his chaotic house twice a week with arguments all the time was making her more anxious. I needed to ground myself, I have had a friend stay at cook for us because I was in floods of tears. My anxiety has been through the roof with the meltdowns but I took time to learn and I started parenting a different way. This guy is saying this after an hour a day and getting lots of sympathy. I’d say stfu you haven’t got a clue.

I never mentioned the word harshly - your projecting again.
I'm out.

If you have zero understanding of neuro disability, you shouldn't really comment.

This breaks my heart, for all of you, because I can see myself/ dh a couple of years ago in the same situation and it still makes me tearful to think back to it because honestly we were broken. We'd both die in a heartbeat for our beautiful dd, and she is in a much better place now (we all are), but I vividly remember calling dh one day and saying I wanted to put her up for adoption. I feel ashamed admitting to that and writing it here. Similarly, dh has said he hates what she's done to us, in the heat of the moment. It's essentially like living with your abuser, but you're a parent and your love has to be unconditional - even when you're being shouted at to fuck off, or getting stabbed with scissors (yes, this happened to dh once).

What support do you have in place, op? Has your dh attending anxiety management workshops alongside you to help him understand your dd better? We did some one to ones with CAMHS, attended all the available workshops, fought to get an ehcp in place (our dd masks, too, so this was quite the battle), read books (the Explosive Child), watched TV programmes etc.

Our dd totally lost any spark when I withdrew from her due to her behaviour, the attachment was temporarily severed due to my own mental health as a result of how she behaved. Looking back, I know that this fed the cycle, but it all felt so impossible, no solutions. Your dh may need to address his own mental health before he can build his relationship with your dd.

I feel for you all, because you need help, support and understanding from those who have been there. It's easy to criticise others when you haven't walked in their shoes.