My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

[daddywoe]

We have 3 children and our middle one is autistic and has ADHD.
Dh is stressed and struggling with her and today he told me he doesn’t love her.
He has always been such a hands on dad and we’ve always said how we need to be a team and get through the tough times together but he doesn’t care anymore, she tells him she hates him and doesn’t want to talk to him and he just said fine, I’m done with her.
I can see that he means it, he doesn’t care anymore and I think he’s ready to give up and walk away.
I feel helpless, I need him because I’m struggling too.

This. Very well put. I think many of those responding to that comment are doing so from a knee jerk reaction and with no experience of the situation OP and her family are in. The challenges are many and varied, and support is patchy and inconsistent. I think it’s sad that he has waited until reaching breaking point to voice how he really feels, but the reaction here to what he’s said gives an insight as to why he’s not voiced thoughts which are perfectly normal in these circumstances. It doesn't make him a danger to the child, but it indicates he needs support, as does OP.

He doesn't get to be 'done' with one of his children and just hang out with the 'easy' ones, whether he and OP stay together or not. He parents them all, or none of them.

Are you in a similar situation yourself ?

There is a world of difference between having a fleeting thought born out of stress and exhaustion, and actually acting on it. I don’t think you’re contributing much to the thread beyond a clear lack of understanding of the difficult situation this family is in. And your comments are certainly not helping OP, so maybe it’s a good thing you bow out now.

Yes, I am. Ex had every excuse in the book why he should spend less time with DS3. 'He gets distressed and has meltdowns. Says he hates me ' etc etc. Well DS3 does exactly the same with me! We can't both opt out though. He proposed seeing DS3 for four hours a fortnight, while he had DS4 all weekend.

So you can be absolutely sure he won’t harm her?

Even though you have never met him, certainly haven’t assessed him as a professional and can not possibly second guess his state of mind.

Very quickly as need to do stuff in a minute.

This thread is interesting as we have two camps. One demands pretty much perfection at all times. You love your child and you are always fiercely adoring towards them, no matter what, any awful behaviour evokes sympathy for the child and anything less than adoration and respect (including thoughts) are judged harshly and seen as not worthy of parenting the child.

Camp 2 say no - there are nuances.

Does camp one really look realistic to anybody? It doesn’t to me! And (after a long road) I can now say I am a bloody good parent!

I’m so sorry your situation led to the breakdown of your relationship, but every situation is different and what works for some may not work for others. If DD’s dad is the focus of her ODD then him stepping back from contact with her while they assess the situation may help both of them. Obviously it’s not a long term solution but it may provide breathing space until they can access professional help. The alternative is the imminent break up of the family.

Op as much as you might think he'd never do anything bad, this is a really serious thing for him to say and you need to take action now. You need to demand he speaks to the GP and he should not have any unsupervised time with any of your children until he has sought support. This is not just saying he wishes he'd never had her, he's actively fantasising about causing her harm.

Please do not underreact to this as that's how awful things happen to families.

I agree, the children will not be removed. That would cost money and SS are only interested in solutions which come without a price tag!

Your poor husband.
Before I get all the hate, I grew up in communist Czechoslovakia, different generation. The well being of parents was actually prioritised, as these children would be adopted or helped with by the state.
Result was, at least for me, being a happy child to satisfied parents. Yes, I was an only child and never had any myself, but I could absolutely see the advantages of that system. None of my pals, NONE, including myself, were problematic.
We knew about this possibility, about being given away. Funnily enough, none of us was openly autistic or ADHD.
It was good, no adults were trapped like this man.

Hard hat on PP...

No worries, I stand by what I said.
😊

absolutely this. You can feel it, but to verbalise it? Without going to see a doctor or something and admitting that you’re struggling, and you’re in the wrong?

This is a 7-year-old child who is not doing any of this to hurt her parents. She’s struggling and having a terrible time herself.

my partner has struggled similarly with our child, but luckily we’ve agreed that he will just go out and clear his head before he says something he regrets.

No-one can really know 100% It’s something l’ve come across professionally many times - expression of a fleeting thought as a result of frustration and exhaustion isn’t the same as that of anger or rage. It’s often signalling resignation, as l think is happening in OPs case. The balance of probabilities means he’s likely not a danger. Several posters here have admitted to similar thoughts in similar situations.

I said upthread that l think a self referral to SS would be a good idea, and lME they would not consider an expression of a fleeting thought in such difficult circumstances by itself a reason to remove him from the home - unless his actions supported suspicions that he is likely to do harm. I think the fact that he is effectively saying ‘right back at you’ when the child says she hates him is more cause for concern because it indicates he’s reached the point of resignation and l think OP is right in thinking it’s a signal he’s about to leave. I hope they can find middle ground somewhere before that happens.

I agree, extreme family situations do sometimes require extreme parenting choices, such as division of parenting support at times.

That only works long term if it's done in the context of understanding the underlying needs of the child.

If the dd has a PDA profile rather than ODD then she could be displaying equalising or levelling behaviours towards her father. PDAers dont recognise or respond to the hierarchy of social relationships. Her dad exerting his authority would in this case heighten her anxiety and promote a panic response which might be fight.
It goes against the grain and every parenting strategy you've ever been told, but reducing your authority as a parent, reduces the anxiety and enables the child to respond from their frontal lobe not their survival brain and build relationships.

Short term withdrawal from parenting his dd to enable him to look into ASD/ADHD/PDA etc. from a calmer perspective could be beneficial.
And different from opting out.

I wasn’t suggesting he opt out, just stepping back from contact while they reassess and try to enlist professional help. Division of parenting isn’t ideal and isn’t a long term solution, but l agree a calmer approach is needed if a break up of the family is to be avoided.

Sorry I wasn't suggesting you were.
I was agreeing with you and stating for clarification in case others thought this approach was condoning him opting out.

Apologies, just re-read and l misunderstood.

Fuuuuuuck.
There's a huge difference between "I don't like her" to "I fantasize about throwing her off a bridge." That's making a dangerous leap.
He needs significant mental health support, and probably so does your DD.

It does get better though. I know from my work in schools that 7 is a horrible age for kids with AuDHD. They're passed the hopeful, still a bit cute, baby stage of "hopefully they'll grow out of it a bit/they're still soooo young." But not old enough for you to be able to reasonably appeal to their better side and/or them to actively engage in some personal development/coping skills. 7 is very much the "let it all hang out" age. They do exactly what they want with no thoughts.
At school, we often start to see improvements from about age 9/10, especially in girls.

But at this point, you have more of a DH problem than a DD one.

Right well you need to get this man out of your house don't you.

There is a world of difference between a fleeting thought and the deed itself - especially when that thought comes from frustration and exhaustion, rather than anger or rage. SS would not consider that alone as a reason to remove him from the home because they would understand the difference and the huge challenges involved.

Ah yes, no understanding of the situation and the challenges, no nuance or recognition that many people in similar situations have those thoughts and wouldn’t dream of acting on them. Just LTB.

But isn't that the point of the wider picture strategy SS usually adopt? Genuine question.

The fact that he's said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge (which to me is a red flag because it's one thing to say it in the heat of the moment and another to say you fantasise about it. Isn’t that daydreaming with pleasure?), and said right back at you to "I hate you" (what you've said is a concern) should make it more of a bigger concern.

It means he's shown atleast more than one way of posing harm to the child, even if it's "only" emotional.

At first I thought it was good he could say this to you. You know, the old saying it out loud thing gets it off your chest and you can move on, and he feels comfortable to talk to you, etc.

Then I read the throwing of the bridge thing and that altered everything. You poor thing! As if managing your child isn't enough, you now have this to contend with?

Whatever, he needs to move out till he has had some counselling or something. He might lose his temper and do something harmful to her.

I feel for you.