to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

I think being a mom full stop is incredibly demanding whether you have paid employment or not. My mom was mostly a SAHM, food was always non processed homemade and she was always home before and after school. She didn't have a social life and cooked and cleaned, relying on my father for money. We didn't have clubs or activities in those days other than the park. I had my children when I was quite young in my career and used full mat leave. After that finished I was ready to go back to work and did compressed hours so I had 3 full days at home. I was fortunate that my mother and mil both wanted to have my kids one day a week each and used a nursery for the 2 other days. But when I got back from work and picked the kids up it was non stop with clubs, housework, food etc. The weekends were for going out as a family. I worked earlier to pick them up at the end of the day, hubby worked later to drop off. Between us when they were at school they always had a parent there. It has flown by but now they are independent I have focused on my career and been promoted twice in 3 years, having never gone for it as I wanted to focus on the kids. I did consider part time but it wouldn't have been advantageous for us. My kids do their chore without complaint because they know how hard we work. I don't know what influence our choices will have on our children when they have their own families but if they want support during those early years we will be there. It's different strokes for different folks. Also I am quite house proud so never had a dirty house and managed to keep the loos clean!

The deathbed posts are so weird. I will look back on my career on my deathbed! I do the job I literally dreamed of as a little girl and my work is meaningful. A large part of what I do involves advocating for other women - I will absolutely look back on the women's networks I have built, the lives I've touched and those who've touched mine.

I grew up with two working parents and spent tons of time with them. I have loads of happy family memories. My kids were looked after by grandparents who dote on them while I was working. I didn't miss out on them being little, my photo albums and memories are full of precious moments and milestones and the day to day existence.

I feel conflicted about admitting it because politically I didn't expect to feel this but I get a thrill from paying my kids' school fees because it's something I never expected to be able to afford, and it's thanks to my earnings rather than my husband's that we can do it. And I absolutely love walking out of the house in the morning when the cleaners are due and coming back to a sparkling house I didn't have to clean - I have always hated housework with such passion, it's the one thing I couldn't wait to outsource.

I've been very fortunate and I do what I can to pay it back and be grateful, but I really do love work and there's nothing sad about finding it fulfilling - people's jobs can change the lives of others and really have impact on the world around us. The satisfaction of achievement is something I treasure and it's only enhanced family life for me, not detracted from it.

as you say you had help from both mother and MIL that enabled you to work. That’s not an option for everyone (it wasn’t for me)

Yes. Beyond the immediate very early needs of breastfeeding etc it can obviously be either partner. Society is catching up to that, a little slowly unfortunately, but it is happening with things like shared parental leave. Ultimately, as most people don’t have the economic security to make a full and free choice though, choices around parenting will likely always be constricted. When constricted, I think society tends to fall back more on established norms.

‘Cool points’, from that previous post, is a phrase I haven’t heard but has echoes of ‘cool wives’. Unfortunately that kind of language is used to try to denigrate other women with different opinions about women’s roles; it positions those opinions as a pose adopted to appear progressive, rather than as a product of thought, experience and personal preference. We’re all welcome to our opinions, but not to denigrate others on the basis of theirs.

Families make their own decisions based on what’s right for them, and sometimes don’t have the luxury of choice. I would question whether someone is really happy with their own choices if they feel the need to declare how happy they are on social media. Who are they trying to convince, and why?

I think there would be very few people who say there are no downsides to any decision involving children and working.. There is always a bit of a compromise somewhere, be that full time workers, part time workers or stay at home parents. I never really understand why others feel the need to judge the decisions of others.

Totally agree with this.

some people do have careers that make a difference and have a positive impact on people’s lives. So it’s not just family they will think of “on their deathbed”

That’s nice for you. I’m personally so glad I got to spend as much time as possible with my children in the early years as I’ll never get that time back. When I’m in my death bed I don’t think I’ll be thinking “I’m so glad I climbed the corporate ladder”😂

I feel great about the people I helped with my career but none of it means anything if I'm not first and foremost giving that level of support to my own family. They will always come first whether it costs me my career or not.

As for the death bed posts, how many people have been on their deathbed to know what they will think? I actually have, though obviously I was able to be saved. It's interesting the things that go through your head when you know there's a good chance that might be your last day, maybe even last hour or less. Having survived that, I knew that if I'd died then, I'd have regretted nothing about my life and choices and priorities (I was a SAHM at the time).

Everyone has to do what sits best for them and theirs, career or part-time work or whatever. We get one shot at life and at our children's lives. We should just accept everyone has their reasons for how they approach life and support each other.

I can’t eye roll enough at this comment. And bonus points for the ‘why bother’ comment.

Having a career and keeping that career as a parent doesn’t mean you aren’t prioritising your children. It doesn’t always have to be an either/or situation. And being a parent isn’t just about the short amount of time when they’re very young. Planning for future is also an important part of being a parent.

The deathbed comments are ridiculous.
You can be proud of more than one thing.
I will absolutely reflect on my career and the amazing opportunities it has afforded me and my family.
And guess what? I still get to spend lots of time with my child. So no regrets there 🤷🏼‍♀️

The cost of living has gone up a lot. My eldest is 18 and I had her at 25. At the school gate when she started there were so many SAHMs (esp mums who were 10-15 years older than me on 2nd or 3rd child), but barely any when my youngest started 9 years later when that class happened to have mainly first time mums, so quite a generation gap between my eldest’s classmates’ mums and the youngest’s.

I think it was a societal shift. Mums who are 5 -10 years older than me had much smaller mortgages etc , house prices also went crazy over 20 years or so. I bought my first house in 2006 for double what the buyers had paid for it 5 years before.

I'm glad I sacrificed my career for my kids. They were/are worth it.

Also some women don’t want to make sacrifices - they want to be able to buy themselves nice clothes and makeup, hobbies, holidays, whatever and so they work for that. Doesn’t make them any lesser parents than those who don’t work out the home. Let’s not pretend that when we become parents we cease to be our own people too - we still have wants and needs of our own.

I am glad that you could make a choice. Unfortunately for many women there isn't a choice.

Saying women work for luxuries really undermines the point you’re trying to make here. Nobody says men aren’t willing to make sacrifices or are working for luxuries. Women’s salaries are providing financially for their families on the same way men’s are.

For me it was to pay rent and put food on our table: choice is a privilege.

The cost of living has gone up a lot. My eldest is 18 and I had her at 25. At the school gate when she started there were so many SAHMs (esp mums who were 10-15 years older than me on 2nd or 3rd child), but barely any when my youngest started 9 years later when that class happened to have mainly first time mums, so quite a generation gap between my eldest’s classmates’ mums and the youngest’s.
I think it was a societal shift. Mums who are 5 -10 years older than me had much smaller mortgages etc , house prices also went crazy over 20 years or so. I bought my first house in 2006 for double what the buyers had paid for it 5 years before.

This is so true but also, there were fewer flexible working options 20 years ago and there weren't really remote jobs either, so women do have more choices work wise but, as you say, the cost of mortgages and rent is so high that most women now have no choice. And those who do SAHM are likely to be just for a few years. Everyone is doing their best. Most peoples experience is far removed from from OP being a high earner/high flyer with plenty of options.

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt

totally. But what you hear of sometimes is a woman giving up her job to look after kids and they all live off one wage, the husbands, and this means forgoing luxuries like nice clothes, holidays etc. some women are fine with that, some aren’t. Same for men.

You were also very lucky you had that option to carry on working and establishing a career. Good on you. Glad it worked out. Bit it's not as simple as just working hard.

That's your choice.

What's important is that women should not feel pushed into working full time if their choice is to focus on their kids or work part-time instead.

I always think that women should be supported whatever choice they make based on their own circumstances and priorities.

We should not judge women, and their partner, for the way they decide to combine work and a family.

But for some of us it won’t be “I’m so glad I climbed the corporate ladder” it will be I’m glad my child had shelter and food. Having to work full time does not always equate to wanting to climb any sort of ladder nor does it mean some fancy job. I have to work full time to pay my bills.

You’ve not acknowledged how good luck has played a significant part in your prosperous career?

You presumably grew up in a nice area, with MC parents and lots of support for your education and aspirations. That makes a massive difference to your career opportunities.

Some of us are far less fortunate but still make the best of things but working hard alone is not enough and never will be. You need a certain amount of good luck!

(I have a degree in Law but I also grew up in a mining area in poverty with an alcoholic father and bailiffs at the door. My mum worked f/t in a factory to put food on the table so I was a latchkey kid, then dad died. I was always a bright kid but left school at 15 to get a job. I completed my law degree p/t as a mature student whilst working a full time job. I simply couldn’t afford to do my articles as there’d be no guarantee of a job afterwards as I was approaching 30 and recently dumped by my ex shortly after my mum died, so I had to keep working in my admin job to cover my basic bills.)

I feel it's unfair when women are put in a financially vulnerable position after a marriage or relationship breakup, or when they stay in an unhappy relationship because they can't afford to leave. In this regard, I hope women don't give up their work if circumstances allow. Even if they take a temporary break, I support women having their own income in some form, whether through self-employment or part time work.

I’m glad that you feel that way. But there’s an air of judgment to this I feel.
I gave up my career to have my kids and I’m so glad I did. We gave up on the rat race and now have lots of animals on land and a lovely home. Older two are all but grown and I’m happy as Larry not having to go off to work each day.

You went part-time, that in itself is a sacrifice, but moreover a great privilege.

Many women -especially in this economic climate - from less privileged positions simply do not have a choice .