to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

Some women have no choice but to work.some women choose not to work. Who cares. As long as women are aware of the pitfalls of both options.

we don’t grill men. But then they don’t often get the choice in a lot of cases. The men in my life would love to work part time/stay at home / but bills have to be paid. Hopefully the next generation will change and childcare will be shared 50:50 and both men and women can enjoy childhood and choose to go part time.

I don’t think your post quite sums up the complex emotions involved in going back to work and leaving your baby. Especially when the pay barely covers childcare. There is also the constant time pressure, guilt and overwhelming household chores at home combined with being invisible and time pressured at work. In an ideal world, I would have taken 3 -5 years off (2children) then a further 2 years going back to work doing very part time and/or necessary training. Then part time as long as it was needed. Not great for a sparkling career though.

Yes youre in the minority as it's an absolute bollocks statement. Believe it or not, you can still work and put your children first! Who would have thought?! Are we saying that all dad's who go to work full time prioritise their careers over children.

Both my parents worked full time from when I was 5. I had a wonderful childhood and always knew I came first, just like my kids know they will with me.

Me and my husband both work full time (though I'm currently on maternity leave). Not that I need to explain or defend myself but I had crippling post natal depression and it only became better when I went back to work. By working I have the space and time away from motherhood that energises me and refreshes me, meaning my children get the best of me. My life feels more balanced. Plus I need to work, to pay bills and keep a roof over our head. If I stayed at home every day, I'd become unwell snd it would be in no one's best interest.

I'm happy, my husband is happy and our kids are happy, secure and well attached. Yes I have to work, but so have generations of mums before me.

And yes to the ridiculous deathbed comments.

I'll look back on my life with relief and gratitude that I didn't make myself unwell and miserable staying at home because certain parts of society think that's what I should be doing. Plus I get enormous satisfaction from my career.

I work in adult social work and 90% of my department is made up of working mums. So maybe before bashing working mums, remember there any many jobs that are critical to society that most of us benefit from that are performed by working mums. Myself working to source care or arrange care for an elderly parent, nurses, doctors and teachers as well to name a few. We'd be up shit creek as a nation without these vital services if we demanded all mums stay at home with their kids for 5 years.

Work isn't just climbing a corporate ladder. I look back on teachers who inspired and emboldened me and gave me confidence and hope and ambition (and yes, my working parents gave me all of those things too!), or I think of the midwives who delivered my babies or authors whose books have touched my soul or musicians whose work is the soundtrack to my life - meaningful, powerful work that matters. I hope those people reflect on how wonderful a difference they made when their time is up!

Erm, it’s often forgoing “luxuries” like funding driving lessons, help with uni, house deposits and extra curriculars/holidays for the kids, not just clothes for mum.

SAHMs often unilaterally decide that these things are worth their kids sacrificing so they can be at home with them for a few years before they go to school, yet it always seems to be working mums who are called selfish? I don’t get it.

Why is working and providing lifelong advantages for your kids seen as a negative choice? You are realistically only “missing out” on a very short period of their life. I do think being a SAHM is a usually a personal choice rather than a great sacrifice which is obviously fine, some people just don’t particularly like working, but let’s not pretend all SAHMs are sacrificing some amazing, fulfilling C-level career when often that’s not the case.

Everyone keeps going on about a present parent but there's been numerous studies that show even working parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations. Something my mum agrees with as she had a stay at home mum and said she and her siblings were generally turfed out from when they could walk so her mum could get on with housework!

Yes, there are a lot of false conclusions being drawn like 'working mums put babies in giant nurseries for long hours' ignoring grandparent care and flexible working that means young children are often being looked after by family or in smaller settings and for shorter hours. Or 'work is a pointless grind of meetings and spreadsheets ignoring that some people's work literally involves saving lives or improving lives (how many of us and our children are alive because of medical research and modern treatments that working people have invented, developed and delivered?) There is so much more nuance and variety in people's lives than is being acknowledged.

Or, maybe men could just do better? Women should be able to pause their careers and be at home if that’s where they want to be. Women should have choice and in many cases it men who take that away. So I think the focus should be on men doing better not on women compromising (again!).

It’s easy to judge mums for working but we don’t bat an eyelid when we turn up at school or A&E etc and take for granted the person who has left their child in childcare to do vital jobs that we need them to do.

THIS! Everyone talking about climbing the corporate ladder- the same women who likely delivered your babies, gave them their baby immunisations, came to your home to do your 2 year toddler check, ran the baby classes and make your coffee when you go to the park cafe with your friends are likely all working mothers. Are you judging every one of them or appreciating their contribution to society? I know which i am doing.

"I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting."

Precisely why I stayed at home with my children.

I happily gave up work when DC1 was born & went back when DTs started school. Never regretted my decision & also worked term time for a few years. DC & I have great memories of time spent together. Feel lucky it was an option.

I just don't see the point. It's like buying a horse and paying for a horse and hardly every seeing the horse.

Maybe the analogy is unnecessary.

I think a lot of people do have kids because it's what you do rather than because they like them tbf.

Are you being purposefully insulting and goady?
Or are you so blinkered you can’t comprehend that there is nuance in peoples lives?

Why are you assuming working parents ( or probably mothers as I’m assuming you don’t judge men the same way you judge women) hardly ever see their kids? Or that they don’t even like them?

This, I was working in CAMHS supporting other families when mine were wee! Most of my team are mothers and they're out on the road training mental health professionals in the NHS, psych units, community MH services, etc.

So from the point children go to school then, you think the same presumably? As they are out and being cared for by someone else during the day.

Going to work rather than being a SAHM doesn’t mean you don’t like your children…!

@RabbitsEatPancakes

Pretty sad to define yourself so much by your work.

Why?

Would you say that to a man who enjoyed his career?

Exactly. My career is a huge part of my identity. And that’s okay .

I've stopped my DP applying for bigger jobs because I prefer having family dinners every night over being able to have 3 fancy holidays a year and a bigger house
And that might be ideal when the children are young. It's not so much when they are teenagers and then young adults and they care much less about you spending time with them than how you can support them financially. Except by then, you might have missed the career opportunity to earn more than enough to just pay the basic bills.

Children don't just thrive on their mother's love and attention. Teenagers are soooo costly and being a good parent is also to be able to afford to give them opportunities, which are costly.

And no, it isn't for society to then gave to pick up the tab because its not fair they don't have the same opportunities then then their friends with better off parents, those parents who dared sacrificing their time with their kids to invest in the future years of their kids.

Many posters have referred to fleeting years. It's not just baby years that fly by. Those babies who thrive being in your sole care become teenagers and young adults before you know it and their needs them are no less important.

I do feel that MN posters are predominantly mums of younger kids, too many of whom are failing to look at the longer picture until it falls upon them. They then post how life is unfair to them and their kids, refusing to face that that life is the one they chose for themselves.

On my deathbed, I will hopefully feel good about myself that I gave all I could to be the best mum for my kids at all the stages of their lives.

Keeping my career made me a better mother

@DervlaGlass

I just don't see the point. It's like buying a horse and paying for a horse and hardly every seeing the horse.

But someone is having to pay for the horse. What people miss on these threads is that work is usually a matter of necessity. Its not just a lifestyle pose.

Some of us have to work or our children would live on the breadline. We don’t have the luxury of going part time or taking the toddler years off and coming up with creepy little tradwife homilies like “you’ll never get the time back”.

I think the OP was a bit goady and smug so possibly she asked for some of the responses. But I read these threads sometimes aghast that people have so little awareness that they don’t realise some of us have to do this.

I haven't RTFT because I'm sure it's a mix of women supporting women alongside women tearing others down and being sneery because they have "done X and could never have countenanced doing Y and anyone who has, is dull/boring/stupid and/or their children have been neglected/loved too much....etc etc etc"

I've been on Mumsnet for almost as long as it has existed (my eldest is almost 22 so I started using it when I was pg) and the conversations haven't really changed....!

Why doesn't each person do what is best for them, their family and their children - at the time - and go from there...why does it matter what anyone else has done if they are happy and it works for them?

I've got four children, had a professional career and have done everything - back to work FT when eldest was 4 months old, worked PT, had a nanny, used childminders, nurseries, had several years as a SAHM during which time I did many things adjacent to my former profession and volunteered etc - and now, DH has been made redundant and I've found a professional 'returnship' and am now back FT in my former profession supporting the family whilst DH continues to find work.

If you are a career driven woman who has children and are happy - great. If you are not and have been a SAHM and are happy - great. If you have done a mixture and are happy - great. If your circus and monkeys are happy, why on earth does it matter what anyone else does or thinks about your choices!!?

“My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.”

You’re right, their early years are incredibly fleeting. That’s why I’m so glad I didn’t sacrifice my children for my career.

@Saladbar childcare, specifically preschool education. I wouldn't have touched it with a barge pole when I was young but I have found it to be unbelievably rewarding and met amazing colleagues. I admit the pay is low and Dh earns a lot so I have been lucky to enjoy a fairly wealthy lifestyle while doing something I'm passionate about. I was 40 when I started.