to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

I got a lot of judgement for not quitting work when I had DC (mostly cultural, our families are not from the UK although DH and I both were born and raised here). Did part time until both were in school, then went back FT. No regrets, but also realise I was lucky to have a profession where that was an option. SAHM life is unfortunately only for the privileged these days, and it was ingrained in me never to depend on a man, or count on marriage being "til death do us part".

I think it’s fab you feel happy with how everything has worked out. I think the same about any woman who has loved being a SAHM and is glad she got more time with her kids. It’s amazing when you have choices and can pick what works best for your family and all of us in that position probably need to acknowledge we are super fortunate. There are plenty of women whose personal circumstances mean they are pretty much forced down the route of continuing to work when they’d rather have a career break or leaving work when they’d like to retain their career.

So you think when the PP said

divorced single mum with shit life prospects whose husband said he'd support her then ditched her after she fucked up her career.

She was gloating?

Surely that's even worse than the misogynistic language?

Glad you're happy OP 👌

Gloating usually has an element of 'I have it better' which I don't really get froths post - the PP hasn't mentioned her own set up. She is being disparaging of the way these women behave, and how they make themselves very vulnerable and then squark when it all goes wrong, but sadly she is right. Relationships aren't guaranteed and bills still need paying.

That's good that you're happy with your choice. I'm also happy with my choice. I willingly left my successful high-earning career to become a SAHM. Had originally planned that I'd go back to work when the youngest started school, but after our children were born decided to home educate them, so that didn't happen.

I've loved being a SAHM and also a home educator. I've been there for all of the special moments, and have a very close relationship and connection with my children.

I invested my former earnings well when I became a SAHM and earn enough from them to give me a passive income. I also recently started my own business which I run on a part-time basis from home. So I have the best of both worlds, still earning and still being there for my children always.

It's good when people are happy with the choices they make in life.

Gloating usually has an element of 'I have it better' which I don't really get froths post

Not true at all.

You can gloat when something goes horribly wrong for someone for any reason. Which I think it was clear the PP was doing.

You said yourself, 'they make themselves very vulnerable', so to gloat about that is awful.

But you're someone who refers to women as 'squarking' so I can see why you seem to have found a kindred spirit.

I’ve always worked full time and also always been there for my children as much as humanly possible - never missed a school assembly or anything like that (except once when a radiator suddenly burst!).

I’ve made strategic use of leave and flexi time to make it work. I suspect I’ve had a lot less rest than a lot of SAHMs and WOHMs to try to be everything to everyone. Not trying to be a martyr but that is what I’ve done.

They’re 17 and 11 now so coming to a point when them being there doesn’t make the time not restful 😁

I don’t have any regrets. I suspect I won’t be as fit as healthy into my later years like my own mum who was a SAHM as she just didn’t have the stress and constant work I’ve had.

Edit - I should probably mention I’m divorced - my choice. Took the decision to separate when the youngest was nearly 2. And a lawyer like the OP.

You absolutely can, assuming everything goes to plan.

My career’s taken a battering as my DC has SEN. Which wasn’t something I envisioned when I confidently mapped out my future as a working mother who’d maintain my financial independence and earning power throughout the parenting years.

I’m clinging on to work by my fingernails TBH and hardly make any money - so while I suppose I could be a SAHM, I would find it too hard to give up that last little bit of selfhood outside of caregiving. I am quite likely to have a child at home until I die, and intensive parenting is not going to be a short season of life for me. So my ‘career’, such as it is, is not about financial independence so much as keeping in some kind of contact with the world outside my house.

I'm glad i kept my hand in as i have a nice, manageable job as i head towards retirement. It has worked well for me to go part time then increase hours once they were older. Maybe if we were wealthier I wouldn't have. Who knows.

Same. I’ve paid the motherhood penalty as I’m sure I’d be earning a lot more if I was a dad and not a mum. But I loved being part time when they were young. And now I love working more again. I’m glad I kept my career going (I’ve never wanted to be kept by a man) but also that I prioritised my kids

I don’t understand what you want from this post OP - everyone’s circumstances are different. Being a SAHP is not 100% guaranteed to end in sacrificing your career. I was a SAHP for 8 years, my career is not destroyed at all. I left a very well paid job to have the kids and now work in a completely different role but equally well paying. It’s not impossible. Just because you don’t know anyone who’s done it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I don’t regret my 8 years at home at all.

Of course you’re not unreasonable! Just like people who gave it up and are HAPPY they did aren’t unreasonable. I find it frustrating - even though I understand the reason why - that we are still having this conversation!

Good for you. I gave mine up and became a SAHM. Suited us all fine.
Isn’t it lucky that everyone isn’t the same?
What an odd thread.

Some of us took strategic career breaks and put contingencies place in the event that may happen. So got to yummy mummy etc knowing there was a safety net and in any case a career to get back to once the kids were old enough. No career comes before your children, as op said it’s fleeting and brief. I want to die with images of their smiling faces knowing I spent sufficient time with them instead of lost in the rat race.

It’s good you are happy and made the right decision for you. There have been times in my life where I have worked two jobs, six days a week, or started early/stayed late for zero appreciation. For me personally I was shocked to find my baby was the love of my life and that even though parenting is hard and relentless I also loved every minute and it has been infinitely more rewarding than any job I’ve had to date.

I think there is a kind of idealism imparted to school kids (or there was when I was growing up) that you could be anything you wanted as long as you worked hard and had talent but the financial crash hit and most people don’t have a meaningful job. Probably even less so once AI takes over.

So while many women might feel pleased to have the job security and progression they may not actually find it as fulfilling as raising children.

For women like yourself, they found jobs they really enjoy and that’s brilliant and good on them. There are also very brilliant women throughout the world making strides in all sorts of areas.

I think in the modern era people have forgotten that being a mother (not suggesting fathers can’t feel this way too) can be a calling too. Lots of people can do the job of a teacher or nurse for example but for some people it is their calling to be that. My SIL for example is like this, born to raise children. She works because she needs money to live but her life is very much built around her kids.

I love my kid and think I’m mostly a good mum, I wouldn’t say that it’s my calling but I can recognise that for some it is. I think some women see a SAHM or mum who was born to be a mum as a reflection on themselves and worry that it means they aren’t as good. There are costs and benefits to both. There was a time when women were told they could have it all but the way our society is currently structured that’s not really possible for most people. Most have to find a balance or trade off.

I do think it’s odd as a society that when we hand our child over to a nursery worker in the morning we expect them to be qualified, dbs checked and paid at least minimum wage but mums looking after children under two (since the introduction of free childcare) are seen as valueless and making no financial contribution to the home or economy.

I gave up my career effectively not of my choice when my disabled son came along. I very rarely regret how that panned out. Horses for courses but my redundancy package helped.

I don't think anyone should be looking down on either choices. Not least because if like me you can't get wraparound or holiday clubs for disabled children.

Most mothers don’t get the choice.

Well done

Interestingly dh regrets not having spent more time with our eldest while she was a child.
You can nebr get that time back sadly
But needs must

Yanbu but you need to respect everyone's different

I don’t know anyone who was “pressured” to give up their career and be a SAHM. Everyone I know, which includes SAHMs, made a choice based on what worked for them and their families.

And now that my friends and I have kids that are high school age, so those that have been SAHMs are starting to think about what comes next, I certainly don’t know anyone saying “I wish I’d never been a SAHM!”

Interestingly dh regrets not having spent more time with our eldest while she was a child.
You can nebr get that time back sadly
But needs must

Yanbu but you need to respect everyone's different

This. I’d direct any friend who was contemplating giving up work to look at the relationships boards on here. Shocking number of women completely trapped because they trusted the high earning man who was then discovered to have a wandering cock.

Wondering what you're hoping to get from this thread tbh OP?

I for one would appreciate if you could check your privilege. As a PP commented, I am also hanging on to my (flexible, part time) job by the skin of my teeth due to my wonderful DC having SEN and being failed by the education system. I'd love to be able to throw myself into work but with 3 autistic children, one of whom is only in school 3-4 hours per day, its a pipe dream. Lucky you that you had more freedom to make the choices you did.

Good for you!

I didn’t give up either and life is good. Getting the balance is not easy but so fulfilling when it’s worked out