to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

Are both of your childrens parents unemployed?

Not read the full thread because it seems to me a version of SAHM vs working mother and really, men don’t waste their time debating whether they should stay at home or keep their jobs. So whatever suits or circumstances mean.

But what I do think, and this has been really hard as a full time working single mother, is that what matters is what you might call the third space, the things you do for yourself and the social connections outside work and home. These things are quite hard to build up from scratch once the DC older.
Maybe this is not such an issue if you have a good marriage and couple friends but as a single person, there comes a point where DC are not all-embracing and work certainly should not be, and life is about more than these two things.

Thats my plan too. And the early years are so fleeting that I dont want to miss out on that time. Ive got the rest of my life to build a career again once they are less dependent on me.

Yes i would.

I've met a lot of older men who've loved cuddling my tiny babies and expressed regret they hardly spent anytime with their own kids when tiny as they worked too much. Saying they wish they could go back and so it all again, if they had one more day young they'd choose it with their kids when small not partying or working.

I've stopped my DP applying for bigger jobs because I prefer having family dinners every night over being able to have 3 fancy holidays a year and a bigger house.

As others have said, I’m not quite sure what the point of this thread is. Hopefully not to start an us v them discussion, pitting women against each other.

I think the most important thing women should have is choice. And a lot of women don’t have that. I think women should be able to pause their career and go back into the workforce post kids and their transferable skills recognised by employers. After all, many of us have more years to work post kids than pre-kids! It’s unfortunate that being a SAHM is seen as a bad option - something for people who hatred their career or can’t be bothered to work. I know plenty of women who did it because they wanted to be at home despite loving their jobs. On the flip side, going back to work is judged too - women just can’t win! It would be way better for the next generation to see that you can be inspiring as a mum if you keep your career AND you can be inspiring as a mum if you choose to pause your career and then go on to have an amazing career after a few years at home.

Part of me wishes more people did stay home (if they want to) to prove to everyone that you can do both (just not at the same time). Sadly, society doesn’t enable most women to do this, not to mention sh*tty men that make it a risky option. It’s such a shame. Because, as I said, the ideal option for women is choice.

This is where you are being unreasonable, it worked well for you being in a privileged position of it working financially. A lot of women aren’t afforded the luxury of going back to work, part time or full time, as their salary won’t cover nursery or wrap around care. Some of that may have changed in recent years with more early years provisions but saying it will work for all women because it worked for you is misleading at best.

The whole SAHM/ working thing is a personal choice and there are benefits and drawbacks to both. Hopefully none of you regret your choices although if we’re honest I’m sure most people at some point will question whether they made the right one - and that is human nature.
Despite some of the comments on here, you don’t love your children any less, or think they are any less important, just because you choose or have to work. It just means you spend your time differently.

I too prioritised establishing my career before starting a family. I continued working FT after having a child. Because I was already well on in my line of work I could prioritise my family alongside my career.
I've been judged for it by a few who took different paths. There are a small number of SAH or PT working parents who are unhappy with their life choices out there who seek to judge others unfavourably. People forget that being a SAHP is a luxury that many can't afford, this also applies to working PT, no matter how much those who do so claim they had no option. If that's the case, why don't more Dads do so?

What no one seems to consider is that everyone has a reason for their life choices. In my case I'd have had a child sooner if I physically could have. Unfortunately it took years of TTC and failed pregnancy, which on one occasion nearly ended my life.
Working FT post baby wasn't a choice, it was a necessity as I'm the breadwinner in our house. It then became essential when DH became too unwell to work. He's still unable to work consistently years later.
These are also the reasons that I have one child, and not as several people have suggested, because I'm a 'career woman'.

If you're reading this thread and think the OP or others are saying they are superior, you're wrong. Take a good look at your own life if you can't be happy for others.

Out of my group of three friends with children, over the past 18 years, one of us had a very good but pressured career which she juggled with young children, then was made redundant, took a few years out then took a completely different less stressful but more rewarding role but with a big pay cut. Another has continued progressing up the ladder with a very good financially rewarding but pressured career which she fits in around her children working most weekend and evenings. And the other had a part time job which she left when her child started school due to relocating too far to commute. She had plans to return to work but then lockdown hit then her DC got sick and she is now her full time carer, reliant on her husband’s wage.
All of our situations are different but thankfully we don’t judge each other, as we are all doing our best in different circumstances, each on our own journey with different challenges and rewards along the way. There will always be sacrifices that are made when you have children, and you can never know what the future holds.

Also would help if employers had more flexible policies. Some jobs just can’t be done with young children unless you pay for extensive childcare.

Bingo!

From your opening post I was imagining you were working all hours and had scurried up the corporate ladder. Do you honestly think you’re in the exact same place career wise as you would have been without children? As that would be my take on not sacrificing my career.

For majority of my childrens lives i’ve worked, wouldn’t describe myself as having a great career but prior to redundancy 4 years ago was slowly progressing upward however nowhere near the rate I could have done without children.

It’s great you don’t feel you’ve sacrificed your career and great you found the balance between work and raising your children- i’d like to think i’ve done the same. However I also think it’s fine to choose being a parent over a career- don’t know many SAHM’s but plenty working mums who’ve chosen a job over a career to allow them to raise their kids. Not every career allows you to work hours that fit round children/family life.

Equally if you choose to prioritise your career and have husband/grandparents etc to allow you to do it thats fine too.

Yes your childrens childhoods pass in a flash to you but to them its their formative years so its important you get your input right.

This is very well said. People make a lot of assumptions, which are mostly wrong, especially about the motivations and ‘choices’ of others.

In reality many of us are just getting by, doing our best with the hand we are dealt and trying to be positive about whatever results from the lifestyle we had to follow.

That’s great that you are happy with your choices.

However, if you worked part time while they were growing up then your salary was reduced and you missed out on work and probably promotions that you otherwise would have got. So you did, partially, sacrifice your career.

I don’t understand why that is any better than taking 2-3 years out to be home full time like the SAHMs I know.

I love this.

100% agree.

You sound a big smug here OP. Not everybody has such a choice . Life throws lots of unexpected obstacles in the way.

@CrispsPlease

but WHY should it be the mother who by default fits into that role and gives up her career? Do you think fathers don’t love their children too?

Yup. This is the issue. There's not the security in marriage that there used to be decades ago, when mostly only the rich got divorced and even then not often. Not saying we want to go back to those times, but the one positive of the bad old days was that women could mostly rely on their marriage not to break up. This is absolutely not the case these days, meaning that women who give up their careers are taking a massive, massive risk. You may think that it'll never happen to you, but many women end up saying "I never, ever thought he'd do that to me. He loved me so much."

Ask me how I know.

Vile term, isn’t it? I think the PP was using it ironically but I agree it would be best if it just didn’t exist.

I think both parents can fit or share that role, not for 'cool points', but to genuinely create a place where both parents have equal relationships with their children. And also, especially as the parents of girls, to show a positive aspirational role model as a mum 'girls can do anything they want if they work hard enough' and to show positive expectations from a man as a parent and partner. My Dad was definitely ahead on many of my friends Dads in the responsibility he took for us - doing night feeds, changing nappies even was unheard on in many families in early 80's when I grew up , my FIL will proudly say he never ever changed a nappy or did a school run!

I do agree with the post you were responding too though, at any given point there needs to be 1 parent putting the children first, and despite both DH and I having good careers, these are worked around our children as a priority - he starts later to do all the drop offs, and I finish earlier to do all the pick ups. We worked hard to become highly valued by our employers so can dictate our hours and schedules for the benefit of our children.

Being a mother to preschoolers is a job. You’d need to hire or find someone else to do it as you cannot be in 2 places at once.
Once they are at school being full or part-time is a good option. A sahp ans it’s not just mothers can always go back to work later. A working mother cannot get the baby and toddler years back that they missed. It’s about higher costs these days too.

Most women I know choose to take a step back on their careers. I know I did, but there are degrees of career damage.

My absolutely lovely friend gave up a finance job she didn't much like to allow her husband to progress to a senior role. She started a wellbeing business. They lived in a wonderful rural location big house. The company she left did a massive deal so all her former colleagues retired young. She was sweet with her lovely lifestyle anyway. THEN her dh left her for younger woman. Now she's back doing the finance job (thank god she had her qualification) they sold the big house so she bought something small and she's pretty stable but it's not what she wanted in life.

At the other end of the spectrum my colleague got promoted to the top role during mat leave at 35 and works FT so her earnings have gone up despite having a child. She's absolutely smashing it career wise. I know not everyone would be happy seeing a young child less but it works for them.

I hate these threads where women all pile on each others chiices: "bad mother" traded against "overreliant on a man". I think for most women we all find a balance that works for our personalities.

Yanbu at all and you do you!

But other people will have different priorities. A present parent in early years is really important for children's development, but even sahms can be there in body but a bit absent in spirit. Also, having enough financial security is also important for children.

My career has taken a backseat to my kids and also my husband. I'm happy with that. I've never had a job which makes me want to put that above anything else. As long as I have an income which helps us get by I'm fine

Totally agree. Of all the bitchy comments on this thread that one stood out for me too. As if just because you work you spend no time with your children. Not working will always be a gamble. Some win but many more lose. I personally think it's important to be financially independent and have your own pension. This hits home when you are near pension age like I am. I would also be depressed if people thought my only role in life was to clean up after other people.

It's not, it's super rude. There are better ways to advise people to ensure in the event of a relationship breakdown they will be OK.

OP, it's nice that you are happy with your choices. I agree that childhood is fleeting which is why, for me, being a sahm is the right choice. If my husband left me I'd be financially fine regardless and would be contented with any job in the future that paid the bills 🤷 Different choices work for different people.