to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

I'm a lawyer and work 30 hours a week with flexibility but I still feel like it's too much when they're not at school.

A couple of my colleagues have a similar set up to me and we all feel the same about th school holidays.

Although I work part time, it is usually very high pressured made even more so by working part time and it's not always easy to switch off. So I don't feel like the children get the best version of me even when I'm not working.

Every year the guilt and logistics of trying to balance childcare and work is tricky as it is for everyone that works and I get to the end of the summer holiday and always think, another summer gone and hardly spent any time with the children.

I had a 5 year break as a SAHM and I loved itm
I would give up work tomorrow if I had financial security but I now work to pay for ds' school fees which will then stop in July and will then be working to save a pot of cash to pay for uni for them both ( I don't want them to get into loads of debt)

All I can think I will feel when my children are older (currently 12 and 15) is sadness at being stuck at work too much and how much time I missed with them.

I'm glad you made the right choice for you. Its something that's very individual and either choice comes with sacrifices and risks.
I was mostly at home (on and off part time work) with my children until they were 12 and 5, I was glad to have that time with them but I also sometimes regret not building a career because there's been times when we've been quite poor, especially when it was just me and DD. When my youngest was 5 I decided I needed to try and build a career, to safeguard my future, and went back to school to retrain in a new direction and found a job just in time, as my partner had a breakdown and has barely been able to work in nearly a year so we've been reliant on mostly my income. But my youngest does wish I was home more which gives me regrets about working too.

How did family expect you to quit work but also not depend on your husband?! 🤨 can’t win sometimes!

I envy anyone who had the privilege to chose between the two. My kids are near adults now but when they were little I had no choice but to put my career first, as I could never rely financially on their father. (Still can’t, divorced since ten years. Has never paid a penny towards them.)
I sometimes wonder what life would have been like had I had the option to go part time when they were little.

It helps with pension.

I think this is a goady post, frankly, and pretty mainstream for senior lawyers (who in my experience are particularly intolerant of family pulls on time, particularly female partners)

You'll be even more glad once you reach retirement age and have a decent pension! I took quite a few years out, not considering how my pension would take a hit! I did enjoy that time. As you say, it's so fleeting. But I often think I could have worked at least part time a lot sooner! But I wasn't very career- minded back then, I actually went to Uni and retrained later in life.

Me too. Ultimately children and living humans we have created by choice, we have a moral duty and obligation to put them first (aka not stick them in 5 day a week breakfast and after school clubs unless absolutely necessary). I think if you can afford to go part time (or their dad) you should because my sister was a teacher and said so many of her pupils were exhausted from relentless wraparound care.

I think there is a fine line and every situation is different. There is no way I wanted my children in daycare having worked in that environment in my early twenties. I chose to care for them and work around dh. I retrained as they got older. Careers do not necessarily stay the same.

I’m happy for you. Not sure what you want from this post really unless that’s it.
But what’s right for one person won’t make us all happy,
I gave up work for a while when my kids were small. You’re right, they grow up so quickly and I’m glad I had that time.
I picked my career up afterwards. Setup my own business and retired at 50 to travel. I think taking time for my kids worked out just fine.
People have different priorities.

Exactly my experience too. I don’t think it’s goady though. OP is entitled to her opinion and we are entitled to disagree. It’s nowhere near offensive

I’m so glad I took 7 years out to be fully there for the pre school years. Had a side hustle that got us £7k Pa.

Set up my own business when youngest went to school and now out earn Dh (he’s a high earner) whist working flexibly.

My message is taking time out does not necessarily mean you are finished career wise as the doom mongers on here would have you believe. Lots of my friends have done the same.

That's good to hear. I've maintained my career, albeit part-time, and at times it has felt like there was no space left for me to just be. I'm always at the beck and call of something or someone, be that child or work. My ds has only just started school, so we're just out of the early years. Anyway I'm glad to hear that it has been worth it and I'll reap the benefits when I'm older.

Well some people can afford to be a SAHM some can’t, their kids still turn out fine. I took 7 years off while my kids were small and only went back when my second was 22 months old. The problem is finding a job with good pay is hard after a break and some of us have spent years getting a degree and a masters, and expect to be at a certain position career wise. I don’t regret the time I took off but do feel for my career it might have been better to have gone part time rather than not work at all. In my case I got made redundant, then got pregnant and had a high risk pregnancy so decided not to work till baby came along. Then bought a house so decided to set that up, we didn’t have any furniture till then as we had been renting furnished only places till then. That took a while to furnish a 5 bed detached property and decorate fully. Then I had my second child and that was during covid. Then when he was around a year old I decided to start looking for a job. It took nearly 8 months to find something in my field which would pay reasonably and work for my family. But I did go back full time as part time work wasn’t available. A year later I quit again as that job was too high stress and I felt it wasn’t right for my family. A year later I have found the perfect job, still full time but a lot less stress, lovely people to work with and I’ve flourished. Been here a year now and already been promoted. So there is no right or wrong, toilets can be cleaned by a cleaner, I have one. My belief is I work so I can afford the luxury of getting someone else to clean my home, change the bedding, tidy my cupboards etc. I still clean as I have young children but definitely leave the heavy lifting to the cleaner. And my job is flexible enough to allow me to drop my kids to school and pick them up. I would ideally love to work 4 days a week but in my field it is really hard to find.

I'm glad it worked out for you. I have to be a stay at home mum my son has a disability and there was nobody else to mind him. I dont regret it we can only play the hand we are dealt.

It’s interesting because I had a ‘successful’ career before kids, which is one of the reasons why I was happy to SAH with the DC. I felt like I had achieved everything I wanted in the workplace.

When they went to school I returned to work in an unskilled, minimum wage job because the hours and location were perfect for the school run. It wasn’t until I started this job that I realised how much I hated the other one. No more Sunday night dread. No more stress. Having a laugh with colleagues and logging off bang on time every day.

No regrets here either.

God what a fucking smug post. Well done OP. Have a medal. You're so much better than everyone else without a great career.
I had to give up mine when my twins were born because nursery costs for two were more than we could afford. I went back to work when they were 4 and starting school but had to take something not quite as good on a lot less money because it offered the flexibility my old career didn't have.
I agree with a PP you need to check your privilege and maybe stop with the gloating posts.

What exactly is ’putting the kids first’?

OP went part time, just didn’t give up work. What is the definition of not putting your kids first? Working?

It depends on what your priorities are and everyone is different. For every single mum I've seen who ended up shafted by an ex, I've also seen career women laid off in their 50s who bitterly regret not having spent the time with their children. Women have tough choices - sorry OP but your post comes across judgemental.

To me it’s just working part time if it’s financially and technically doable to do so and not a career killer to limit nursery/wraparound time.

I think you feel like as you do because you could go part time while they were young.
I went part time too and it really does feel like the best scenario.
You get to spend time with your dc, your weekends aren’t filled with never ending chores because you can get some stuff done around dc, you get to continue doing the work you do and bring in money.
I think if it was a choice of working full time or sahm, I would have chosen sahm if we could afford it. I wanted to prioritise parenting over work.

There’s a lot of posts on this forum every month from women who do have the choice and have a tough time deciding what to do. There’s nothing wrong with being able to read pro and con posts.

If someone posted on how glad they were that they became a SAHM mum and ‘didn’t miss a thing’ then we’d have the inevitable replies sayings it’s privilege to be able to live off one salary and it’s disparaging to women who have no choice but to work.

Stop tearing a woman down for feeling contentment about her choices.

Friend, no career, SAHM got divorced and got the house. (Large detached SE commuter belt)

Not too sure why not having a career would mean you couldn’t keep the house.

I stepped back from my career big time to raise my children. I hung on to it by my fingernails but I had already achieved so much by the time they came long that I didn’t feel that I needed to prove myself. Now they are older, I’m progressing nicely, on my terms.

I’m a firm believer that women can have it all, not all at once, and that if you have a choice whether to work or not, you are lucky.

Personally I am glad I hung on, as it has given me autonomy and agency.

Agreed. I personally never considered being a SAHM but I did go part time for 10yrs (3 days) but dropping from 4 days to 3 was health related but it was nice to pick up the kids from school directly and not the afterschool club those 2 days. I enjoy my career and back full time now, kids 21 and 17 and well adjusted kids, not scarred from going to childcare! Dread to think how my pension would look if I had given up my career.