to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

Well, I did tell my DH the other day, when he was trying to decide whether to come and do something extra special that he wanted to do with us, or catch up on work, "When you're on your death bed I doubt you'll be thinking, "Gosh I wish I went to more meetings and did more work." That made it easy for him.

@FunnysInLaJardin could you have afforded it? Every female parent in my child's class is a SAHM so I get what you are saying. Common factor is all are wealthy. Im so lucky as my decently paid work allows me complete flexibility and given im a single parent, I do everything. Without that flexibility, I couldnt have done it. Personally id say it would bore me not working, its such a massive part of who I am. But if I was paying a fortune in childcare or never seeing them as a result, then id be completely fed up.

But it has come before your children in a way as you’re still working part time (like the OP) instead of spending every possible second with your kids.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with that (I’ll be retuning part time myself through choice) but there’s no need to be so sanctimonious and try and bash other mums who do it differently.

The fact that you had to make an announcement here though makes it seem like you have been thinking about it and feel the need to justify it to yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️

I worked FT in a similar career when my eldest was little and we are extremely close despite my long hours back then. But equally, there is nothing wrong with “sacrificing” your career to be around more for a child, even if it is only for a short time. I hate the way some women judge each other and the tone of some of the other posts judging/showing faux concern for SAHM.

Your last sentence is just not true for the majority of women though.

YANBU as long as you didn't sacrifice your kids for your career either

It is a personal choice. I did give up my career but I got to start a new career so probably didn’t lose out long term. Had kids mid/late 20s so wasn’t established.

It was a big risk as it means depending on your OH and a split could leave the SAHP very vulnerable. I was lucky.

I wish there was less issue with career gaps generally. It shouldn’t end up with women (or men) having to take a backwards step to go part time or return after 5 years gap, unless tech completely changes the job skills needed. Childcare, including wrap around, needs more investment to help more parents work.

Pressure to be SAHM- what, SAHMs are shamed and for many its financially impossible, there is no financial support for sahms and the gov does everything in its power to not have such things like sahms.

I took it to mean replacing the work routine with a self care and grooming one when DC are in school, or the gym crèche. So instead of a diary packed with business meetings it has hair, nails, facials etc. The gym takes the place of the office and 'gym girls' are colleagues. As a result the woman turns up at the school gates looking amazing. Its an old fashioned stereotype now, but was quite a thing when I brought my DC up in the 90s.

I see a lot of one upmanship in the debate between the stay home mums and the ones that leaned right into their careers. I took a career break and I absolutely loved being at home with my kids and I knew it would go very fast and I knew a lot of stay home mums and we hung out together. It was never boring, did lovely day trips and had a nice routine, saw people every other day and just very much enjoyed being involved in my kids' upbringing.

I had worked in a pre-school setting and I had seen first hand that even the best care providers have those staff who just do not quite interact in the same way that a loving parent does with their child. They also have more than one or two children to look after. It is hard getting really engaged loving staff when they pay is so low that much I saw and I did that work for a short time till I found better paid work but it opened my eyes. That is my opinion. Are kids ok going to care? Of course they clearly are. They get used to whatever situation they are put in at that age and they are resilient, but I had seen enough mediocre and lack-lustre child care workers in my time in pre school settings because the job does not pay well and I did not want to put my children in that environment, so I could go and 'lean into' my career. I have a well paid career that people would consider meaningful but I also know that it is not as important as my kids, but that is how I view most careers to be honest. I think a lot of people pump themselves up in how important their work is and honestly, in the end you will retire be replaced and no one will miss you when you walk out of your workplace but to your family you are very important. We do need our jobs for income of course so we have to find the balance.

I wanted to lean into raising my kids, so I prioritised that over my career, and I am very happy I did that till they started school. I know I was fortunate to be able to do it and if I hadn't been able to I would have had to put them in care I suppose. I returned to my career after a break and my career was not impacted. On my death bed I will not be reflecting on the successes of my career but on the relationships with my family, my children, my friends and the time I have spent with them. I look at the mums who come in after having their babies and I know some of them would like to be home but they are afraid of stepping outside of their careers and I suspect one day they may have regret but you sometimes have no choice or you feel you have no choice or you are affected by peer pressure. You had a choice perhaps and you made it and you feel happy with your choice. Well done. The stay home mothers on here who are satisfied with their choice feel exactly the same way.

Life with young children is fleeting, it's all fleeting so to say "oh I am glad I was doing my job while my kids were little instead of spending my days with them", great if your job was genuinely more interesting/rewarding/meaningful than seeing your kids developing... that's how you are wired and it was clearly right for you if you now look back and feel so satisfied with your choice.

But let's not pretend what you did was superior or better in some way to the women who stay home and are with their kids because I for one do not think it is. It's what you wanted, for yourself.

That is fine, but it's not superior or a better choice, it's what you preferred for yourself. Plenty of women reading this thinking, you missed out on some of the best years life has to offer, because maybe they value different things to you.

I'm struggling to see the point of this thread tbh, but hey ho.

I think it’s the opposite. Careers and work are so often painted as the things women ‘have to do’ nowadays to survive and that it’s ruining children’s lives and homes because mothers who should be home looking after children have to work. There seems to be a subtle shift to idealized traditional roles which is great if that’s what you want and that’s what your family can afford but there is still joy to be found in having a career and working to provide for your family. It’s not always a slog that every women hates but has to do.

The fact that you had to make an announcement here though makes it seem like you have been thinking about it and feel the need to justify it to yourself

Mainly this. I do what works for me and my family. In my case that included slogging to save for a second flat before having DD, so that I always had money coming in even if I worked less than full time, and then setting up as self employed so that I could be flexible. I had the experience of working in a veh veh nice law firm and seeing that all (all) the more senior people’s kids were boarding and thought - nope. Then I had twins, which brings its own challenges in terms of cost, logistics and also quality time with each child. Then there’s the fact of my husband’s career and its trajectory.

I think it’s hugely personal. I don’t wander around justifying my decisions against other people’s.

I am not seeing a reflection of my reality or that of many of my contemporaries in terms of work and motherhood.
I have had to work, and retrain ( degree, post grad etc) whilst having very young children. Making those sacrifices has allowed us to buy a ( modest ) house, run cars and have ( again very modest - camping , youth hostels ) holidays. We could not have managed on one wage.
Therefore it is another stick to beat women with to suggest that the only choice to be made is to prioritise or not a career. That is positioning women of young children working as some kind of selfish and indulgent whim on their part.
Having a stay at home parent is ideal in many ways. Children need time , stability and consistent care giving. But that doesn't mean that this must be provided by a stay at home parent. If thats possible that is great, but it isn't always possible. Let's nor forget that the housewife / at home mother role was part of 1950s propaganda to inform women of their need to relinquish the working roles they had occupied during the war.
Mothers have always worked . Mothers work in all cultures in some form all around the world. Other family and communities have a role in raising children and that can be positive.
Let's support parents whatever they choose and have to do work wise or not.

In my own family I hope that the fact that mum and dad both work, mum and dad both do laundry, cooking, appointments ( sharing the mental load ) will have had some positives.

I’ve done SAHM, PT and FT since having my kids. SAHM was lovely but not financially viable. PT was perfect as I got to use my brain and skills but the money wasn’t enough. I’m now FT and my money and prospects are good. I’m in line for pay increases and promotions. I can still take my kids to school before work and I meal prep so I’m not in the kitchen when I.come home from work - I also try to finish my working day at home as much I possibly can so as soon as it’s 5pm I’m free for them. I’m also with them all weekend and I save my leave for their holidays. I can give them a lovely home in a safe area with access to great education. I’m also protecting myself and my future by staying in work It’s working for me.

I had no choice other than to give my career up as I couldn’t do hospital shifts while DH was working away from home. Now I have a pittance of a pension. DH says his pension is our pension, as he knows what I gave up, but that pension is still under his control in his name. That’s my only regret, I wish I’d made him pay into a private pension for me, but at that stage we needed every penny.

I think it's very important that choice remains (to work or not for a parent, though there isn't always a real choice economically). I think there is a swing back to more traditional roles because we are the children of mothers and fathers who both worked full time, and want different for our children than both parents working full time. What's important is that we have the opportunity to choose what is best for our families. I also think families shouldn't need two full time incomes just to get by. Messed up world.

Yes I was thinking this as I read it. I work part time as a solicitor and my current head of department definitely looks down on it. I don’t get asked to do certain things, am not included in others like being put forward for promotions etc, whereas the full time working mums do get asked (we’re mostly women - family law!!).

At the end of the day I love working part time - it gives me the money I need to pay the bills (so not working isn’t an option for me, I don’t have any other way of getting money!) but the time to do things I find more fulfilling, like taking the kids to sports and music practice, doing their homework with them. We have time for play dates, and working part time also allows me to have a hobby of my own which I wouldn’t be able to commit to if I worked full time. For me, my priorities changed when I had children, work just became less important to me. When my kids are grown up I have no doubt I will be pleased that I haven’t given up my career entirely.

This.

I couldn't agree more.

Neither of us gave up our careers either, it was important to both of us that we maintained our careers, we also believe it sets a good example to children to see their parents working for their lifestyle, rather than not being employed and having no financial independence.

I've just had to stop work as my DD16 really needs my full support. I was also at home full time until the 1st day of school for my youngest hen i went back to work. I'm so glad I had that at home with them when they were small as it is so fleeting .Everyone is different and everyone's child's needs are different.

I completely understand you.

My father abandoned us when I was 10 years old. My mother was a housewife and from one day to the next, me and my 3 siblings were absolutely fucked.

I now work FT (although I work completely from home) with 4 children 5 and under.

And I'm extremely proud of that.

You say it’s just Demographics but I live in a wealthy area - so similar.

Thinking of my girlfriends, I don’t think there’s any assumption among any of them they should give up their careers (and that’s a notable point - they largely have careers with prospects) if they have children.

To maintain the kind of lifestyle they want - being a SAHM wouldn’t work.

Oh bore off, working parents spend plenty of time with their kids - probably more so than ever before. The idea you are neglecting your child because you have a job is so tedious - and not something men are ever criticised for.

As for ‘who cleans the loo’… yes well there’s another good reason to stay in work, so people don’t assume your life’s purpose to is be cleaning up after other people…!

I’m not that career orientated but went back to work pt at four and five months each time for my sanity. My pension looks pretty good now and I’m retiring next year at 55. Kids are and have always been fine. Best decision I ever made.