to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

I think it comes down to whether you have a series of jobs, or whether you have a career. My mum worked for most of her life, with the exception of the very young years when she was a full time SAHM with three children. Joined the civil service before she was married, but had to quit when she got married because my Dad was in the army and she moved to where he was posted, the she had us. She returned to work when we were at school, going full time when I was about 9 years old. She worked at various office admin type jobs and whilst her skills got better and she was able to be involved in more technical type work so her salary increased, there was zero progression. She never made it to any kind of managerial role or anything with any level of great expertise.

She claims she was entirely happy to be a SAHM (although she seemed perma angry when we were kids!) She firmly believes that’s best for children and she felt it was her role to do that. However, she wanted two things when she was younger. One was to be an architect, but she didn’t do so well at school so could never make it to university. The other was to join the police force but at 5ft she didn’t make the height. I do wonder whether she would have been so quick to give up on either of those goals and become a SAHM. She will claim she would have, but I think in any event it would have been a more difficult decision.

When I had my daughter there was no world where I would have taken years out to be a SAHM. I wasn’t built for it and would have been as perma angry as my mum was. I took a year off then went part time for the next few years, returning to full time when she started school. I wasn’t built just getting to the point where I was thinking of again reducing my hours when she was getting in to upper primary as it felt like she needed me more and being at home when she got home at the end of the day seemed like it would benefit her. Then covid hit, WFH became easier, and I’ve remained as a hybrid worker. I will do more in the office when she goes to uni in a couple of years. I’m glad my career has progressed to a level that I’m happy with and can continue to progress now. The thought of, at 50, going back to an admin role which has little excitement for me wouldn’t please me.

One point though, I read a piece on the BBC today where the ONS has crunched the numbers on working mothers, and even if we have continued our career, and even where we have partners who did their share of carrying the load, taken similar time off, our careers and earnings have suffered quite a lot. I have seen it too. Guys who are my age and have children are steps ahead of me in the profession. It irks me a little to see graduates I trained when I was a senior, now having roles where they are higher up in management than I am. Particularly when I know they are less good at the job than I am and when I’ve knocked my pan in to do my job whilst being on call 24/7 as a mum. There was a quote in the piece that said “You’re expected to work as if you don’t have kids and parent as if you don’t have a job” No wonder we’re exhausted!

I didn’t miss any of my child’s childhood. I’ll reminisce about my whole life, not just my family. If it’s sad to define yourself by your work, isn’t it also sad to define yourself by your role as a mother?

I define myself as a badass who spoke out and spoke up and made sure the people I’m working on behalf of get everything they want and need. That’s the case whether it’s my clients or my daughter. What I’m not is just Mum.

Why does it have to be a case of prioritising? I always just considered that I wanted to just do both well. It's not as much about length of time spent with the children but the quality of time. Every single year, MN becomes full of posts around mid-August from posters writing about how they can't wait for their kids to be back at school, how awful the Sumner was , how 6 weeks holidays are much too long.

It's interesting how when a career woman posts she is happy with her choice, you get so many posters going on shout they chose to be sahm or 'prioritising' the children I.plying they made the 'right' choice. Yet when you read posts on the Divorce page, it's full of bitter women who claim that they sacrificed their career to support her ex, against their wishes, and they should therefore be entitled to a much higher proportion of the assets to recompense them for their sacrifice.

In the end, there is no right or wrong choice, but we all need to face the choices we make and the consequences of them. It really isn't always someone else's fault but our own!

That was so jarring I read it twice to make sure I got it right.
I honestly thought you were going to say that you realised that part of their life is fleeting and:
You either DID regret not giving up your career, or you DON'T regret NOT giving up your career, because you missed out on so much with them.

It just shows how different everyone thinks.

They aren’t little for long, I’m so pleased I was there for those early milestones. I’ve basically followed their pattern - went back to work part time when they went to nursery, increased my hours when they went to school. You must do what is right for you, but for me, being very present as a mother was important.

🤣🤣🤣 there there now

Yeah I feel there's actually more pressure to get back to work. People asking when I was going back to work before I even had the baby.

Modern day actually feels more expected to take a maternity leave and then get back to it, whether that is financially or how people view SAHMs. Sad really if you are in a position to be able to spend more time with your children and raise them over rushing to put them into nursery for someone else to care for them.

Would say that to a man?

Would you tell a man it's sad for his law job to be 'part of him' or that he's defining himself too much by his work?

I’m a SAHM and know lots of others. I’m never sure the point of these posts and they feel goady. Good for you? It’s the same when people can make digs about ‘I could never live off my husband’ but if a SAHM said ‘I could never leave my baby with someone else and multiple other children in a nursery all day’ suddenly that is unacceptable?

Why don’t women do what makes them happy, but it does come off like thou doth protest too much.

I’m a SAHM because my mother had me in nursery and with wrap around care at school as she had to work full time and I hated it. Absolutely hated it. I wanted to be at home with my Mum. I was also sexually abused at a childminders home. I was so envious of the kids that got to go home from school, collected by parents or could be at home during school holidays etc. The being apart from my mother also damaged our bond.

I chose different for my children, but I’m comfortable with my choice and not out here making posts to belittle working women. Some children thrive in nursery, some women are much happier working outside the home, some Dads or Grandparents are better suited to being the primary caregiver, some
families have flexi working and can get the best of both worlds.

For any other SAHM’s remember what OP said. These years are short. And you can always return to education/work once your children are in education. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I absolutely would. And I think a lot of men do get told this.

Very curious what the industry is?

Bravo to you. You clearly did it the ‘right’ way. For you.

Hmmm.. highly educated SAHM here who has put her lucrative career on hold to spend time with kids because I believe that’s what’s best for them. Maybe you should stop generalising.

Is it?? Sounds like the usual patronising shitting on mums that want to be looking after their kids and are happy to do so, post to me.

Exactly. The years are short. Very well said OP and exactly why I’ve don’t the opposite of you and not regretted it once. Best years of my life.

There’s no right or wrong. I gave up my career and stayed at home because I couldn’t leave my children. My sister’s children were always with childminders or before/after school wrap around and that didn't feel right for me. My career has suffered, however, salaries in my industry haven’t really progressed in the last 15 years - but I would have moved up and had more earning potential - I probably still have the time but I don’t want the stress. I’m not sure I’d do anything differently; I wanted to stay at home, and I was able to do so. I don’t judge those who wanted to work, those who had to, or those who chose to stay at home.

No they don't.

Men are big heroes for providing for their families. They absolutely do not get judged in the same way women are for daring to want careers after DC are born.

They certainly don't get asked if they will reminisce about cuddling their babies when they are 90 and don't get repeatedly hit over the head with constant ''the years are short'' either.

I’m with you OP. Although I had my first very young, at 20, and my second a decade later.

With my first I really felt like I had to prove myself, to myself, and not fail my DD. I broke up with her dad and years down the line he ended up being abusive, so I am so so so glad that I had my own finances and could leave and take care of her whilst working.

I also really enjoy work. And I have been lucky to have built a career whereby when my DD was at the end of primary school, I could be more flexible. And when my second came, I working part time and hoping to go back full time when they are in school. I also built a side hustle that brings some income.

I was judged so much for being a young mum, and now a lot of my “mum friends” are either divorcing or tired of their husbands, and are starting their careers in their 40s - there is nothing wrong with that, but they seem to regret not investing in their careers, mainly because their husbands/partners held all of the financial decision, the men’s career do not suddenly stop. Whereas I really have no regrets - I don’t look back and think “I should have spend more time with my DD” but that’s because we are close, have always been close and I always carved out family time - but I think it is easy to regret working as a mum if you completely miss your children’s childhood (I usually hear men that worked and weren’t emotionally available say that they wished they never worked as much for instance).

Look each to their own, but I’ve learned that working is a form of independence. And I encourage everyone to be financially independent, even if it looks like stashing your husbands money away for a rainy day.

Im pleased for you that that worked out for you but I'm not sure the point of your post?

I have given up my career for my children, I was significantly affected by my mum working long hours full time as a lawyer whilst my dad worked away for long periods. We had multiple different people caring for us throughout our childhood, one of whom did some really awful things to us that I dont want to get into. I remember constantly being the last to be collected from afterschool care and sitting waiting just me and my siblings and the last member of staff and my mum and dad both being constantly pulled up for coming to get us so late. As someone with a husband who works away and who previously worked in a senior position with long hours, I initially tried to keep working but the exact same thing ended up happening to my children and I was always running late to get them and putting them into some form of childcare so I made the choice to give it up to spend this time with my children instead. That doesn't mean that I think it's what everyone should do, but it's the right choice for me.

I think you are not being unreasonable. It sounds like your choices were right for you and probably your family too. Equally someone with the opposite perspective could also be correct about their own life.

I never really had the choice because due to health issues from my mid twenties I spent more than a decade not feeling able to either have children or build a career. When things improved I chose to prioritise having a child. So I had no career to sacrifice.

If I’d had a choice I think probably I would have chosen to be at home as much as possible because that has always been more important to me. Having not had a career I also can’t imagine being reliant on one for intellectual stimulation or self worth, as I have always found those without one. However, money is another matter! Those who have kept their careers going will mostly have the last laugh there.

I think it varies, I knew from a very young age I was more of a home person. When I did briefly work in the city after university I never wanted to be like any of the successful women working there, I always wanted to be at home looking after the house and kids of someone working there. I know that is not the thing to admit, but I used to think it all the time.

Also, I think in any discussion like this it’s important to recognise that many, probably most, people do not have careers. They have jobs, which they balance with other obligations as well as they can, and which may never offer much stability, fulfilment, or high earning power.

When you're 90 I wonder what you'll be reminiscing about, cuddling your babies or team meetings?
It is of course one way to look at it. The other is that in my case, I'm glad that at 90, I will have a good pension that will pay for care rather than putting pressure on my kids to look after me because I can't afford carers to come over.

I'll still have many fantastic memories to reminiscing on. The weekend mornings spent on my bed all cuddling, laughing and planning the fun afternoon that I could afford. The fantastic trips we made, discovering new places and new cultures.

I don't get why sahm think only they get to build memories. Don't their husband who work FT have no good memories at all of time spent with their kids? Both my parents worked full time and I could spend many evenings talking about all the great memories I have with both of them growing up. What do you do during the days with your children that you think FT parents never get the chance to enjoy with theirs?

I never gave up my career either, but not for the love of it, but because I couldn’t afford to. There have been very challenging times when I have felt I haven’t been able to do a good job of either because I have been stretched too thin. I’m sure I’m not alone in that, but it’s just the way it is for many women. I’m looking forward to being able to retire eventually and I can’t say I’ll miss it! It’s hard having to be and do everything.

👏 👏

Good for you. I have worked sinxe I was 15 and as soon as I was married left working I am the happieat I have ever been. My DH provides for us and I am so present in my childrens lives. I am present for eveey milestone and now homeschooling teaching them amazIng things. They are bright and content and confident children. I love being able yo make the beat meals for them and keep a clean home and be stress free. I personally know for me if I had worked even PT i wouldn't be able to be the mother and wife I am. Thats me. I know my limits and know what it takes to make me a happy Mother / wife and thats being at home. I have purpose, i am a teacher, carrer, nurse, Dr, cook, cleaner ontop of daughter, sister, wife and Mother. The most under appreiated roll in the entire world.

Just missing hte pay check for doing eveeything plus more.

Good for you, Funny. I agree, you need a life of your own, something that gives you fulfilment outside of domesticity, plus your own money. You've achieved that, well done.