to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

I work part time and imo its the best balance between still maintaining my career, but having time with my kids too. Idc what anyone else does with their lives but I do think women who stop working and then moan about not being able to re-enter the workforce easily are being a bit naive. It isn't a feminist issue, anyone with a significant career break is less attractive to employers. I see a lot of women who say it makes no financial sense to keep working and use nurseries, but imo this is often a very shortsighted decision which doesn't factor in future earnings potential from continuing to work PT. I also see children who start reception without having attended any nursery/preschool and they are often socially and academically behind their peers - it isn't popular to point it out, but they struggle much more with the transition into school.

I work 30hrs/week and my kids are in nursery 3 days a week - they have two days with mum and dad together, and one day with each parent alone. They have friends at nursery but still plenty of quality time with their parents too 🤷‍♀️

As teenagers they will value the money you bring in more than you hanging around. I am
pro sahm but as soon as second started school I was desperate to earn again.

Pretty much most people I know are somewhere in the middle. Working two or three days a week while the kids are young maybe moving up to four when the kids are at high school. I don’t know a single stay at home and I don’t know many mums that are full time. The only ones I know that work full time have an entourage of young and willing grandparents around them. Most people find a balance that suits their family. I won’t be on my death bed thinking I didn’t spend time with the kids but I have a career to take me through to retirement even if it did take a bit of a hit and muddled along for a time.

The feminist part of the issues returning to work after a break is that for numerous reasons (many of them around socialization, including the socialization of women into lower paid careers in the first place), women are more likely than men to take that time out. This is an equality/equity difference- women don't start from the same position in the labour market or in terms of power in the family/home.

Wtf is 'mothering' anyway? In my book, it's paying the mortgage, paying for food, funding the household. In our case it was also my job enabling DH to be a sahd for a period of living overseas. It's not cooking a fresh victoria sponge every afternoon. My great grandmother worked full time and rightly told me when I was small that it was the most vitally important thing a woman should do to maintain autonomy. If you make the choice to stay at home you need to understand the power structures informing that choice and your future options.

This idea that women's jobs are less vital and somehow optional is incredibly sexist in and of itself.

That's it.

DH has never been called selfish, materialistic etc and asked why he bothered having DC for continuing his career when he became a parent. I have.

And exactly, women have always worked. The only woman in my family who has been a sahm was one of my grandmothers for a brief period in the late 50s/early 60s. The others have all worked in paid employment, we have family trees with occupations going back to the 1600s. Parents spend more time with their children now than at any time in history.

Ah I see. That's really nice, I do think men have the opposite problem where they are approved of if they focus more on their job but not if they focus more on their family.

I don't disagree if applied to both sexes. What I dislike is when people devalue women's jobs ad unimportant in comparison to kids, but don't do that to men's.

I agree it’s not offensive - I guess by “goady” I mean provocative, a wee bit self-congratulatory. I mean - happy for OP etc but not sure ahe’s asking a genuine Q

If you, like everyone else who's had a real dig at me, bothered to read my post properly you'll note I said nothing about NOT WORKING. I also said not a single thing about the onus being entirely that of the mum.

What I was referring to was the implication of 'not making any sacrifices' for your children. It's not about working or not working it's about being available to pick kids up when they are sick, being available for school things, being there when they get home as much at possible & so on & so forth.

If someone came on here & declared they were getting dog but they are never home so would just pay someone else to feed, walk & play with them while they just carried on like they didn't have it at all they'd be told it was inhumane & cruel.

that's what I'm talking about. No one needs to have kids, if your life is utterly full with a job you worked damned hard to get then you don't have time for them - which is fine! From my pov (assuming fair health & two parents) one parent needs to be 'on call' for those kids & from my experience that doesn't stop when they are 18.

As for the accusations of pomposity & privilege - mate, I grew up in a home with sheets for curtains in the 80's. Conversely DH went to boarding school whilst his parents carried on with their high flying careers - something they both now regret cos they weren't there for him when he needed them. They had no time cos they were successful AF but the truth is, kids want you, not fancy stuff.

I'll add - my closest friend is a single mum who works school hours & she's incredible. She could just claim everything but she doesn't & she's a goddamn legend of a woman. So give over making this about working mums, cos it's not - I worked too!

I don’t recognise that version of a home with two full time working parents.
We both work in jobs which come with a significant amount of flexibility but we would have struggled to maintain our careers had we taken an extended break - that’s the nature of our jobs. However, our seniority affords us the flexibility we have which is worth its weight in gold. We looked at our long term plans and made decisions based on that. Being a parent isn’t just about those very early years.

Between us we’ve never missed a sports day, assembly, play etc and DS attends multiple clubs and plays sports competitively. Most of my friends are the same. Working full time in flexible job which means they aren’t missing out.

people need to realise that sweeping statements and judgements are unhelpful as they don’t paint an accurate picture.

Not everyone has a flexible job. Some people have jobs where they have to be there, in person, for set hours. If my friend says she feels she never sees her children, then that's how she feels it works for them. I'm not going to tell her she's wrong. I accept her perspective on her life. I don't like it when people invalidate my own experiences, so I don't do that to my friends.

You realise not everyone is like your friend yeah? That’s the point I’m making.

Of course I realise that. There was no need for that point as I never said everyone is like my friend. It's just an example (and I have a couple of other friends who feel the same way). I tend to believe people about their life experience as they tell it.

Okay, and that works both ways.
You responded directly to post of mine outlining your understanding of a household with two full time working parents. A number of us have explained that our experiences are different.
That's not invalidating your experience ( or that of your friend) It's simply explaining that not everyone experiences it in the same way.

Of course. And I stand by my statement that the situation of my friend is not one I would choose for my family, assuming I had the choice.

I’ve never cared about that stuff - career,, success. Blah.

Yes I agree it's goady in both directions- well done me for not being a SAHM but also for not having worked FT with small children.

My own experience has been that working PT as a lawyer in the City was pretty unusual 20 years ago and would certainly have been counted by some as having sacrificed your career (moved onto the "mummy track" as people now no longer say, thank goodness). Obviously there are areas of law that are more family-friendly than the City, I suppose, and even within City law there are specialisms that lend themselves more easily to PT work (although not to what most of MN would consider PT). I think most people just did their best in an imperfect environment and made the best of the consequences.

Good for you.

I do care about it, and that's okay!

I’m glad I kept my career. It meant when my husband was drinking too much I had the freedom to ask him to leave and to remortgage the house in my name in the divorce so me and the children could stay there.

Most definitely. I fully support the choice of being a SAHM (or SAHD) but have told my children to make sure they do something to retain some employability if they do that. None of us goes into marriage thinking it won't work out but I've seen enough of the world that I think a woman must always have the ability to make the choice to leave and be okay on her own.

Well that’s good 😀Did I accidentally tag you?

Did you expect nobody to respond to your comment? It's a discussion forum not your stream of consciousness

If you're in an established career then it does make sense to continue in it. Many of us have been fortunate to go pt so have been able to have best of both worlds. I know if I had given mine up and returned years later it would be harder to get the same level of employment and pay due to the gap and updating skills.

I would have found it difficult to stay ft while DC young but then going back FT is much easier.

Having the choice to be a sahm and wanting to be one, that's great 👍

It sounds as if you just don't like working, which of course many of us don't either lol 😆

You're fortunate to have this choice and be financially supported and I'm not saying this in a negative way, just that your ideal life has worked out for you. Enjoy 😉 xxx

I don't think anyone's childhood is "fleeting". It's pivotal to what type of adult you grow into. That's not to say working will damage your kids, but fleeting seems to wrong way to describe it. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision when it comes to working / parenting. (It's probably worth noting I never had a career to sacrifice in the first place 😂)