to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Just that really.

I worked really hard for 15 years before the DC to establish my career in law. There was a certain amount of pressure to give it all up and be a SAHM.

I m so glad I didn't. My DC are now 15 and 20 and I have realised that that period of their childhood is so fleeting.

I did work PT while they were growing up, but now they are nearly grown, I am so pleased to have my work and career as the bit of me still standing.

Melodramatic much?

Are you always prone to such dramatic statements?

In a way, your post is odd as your statement that ‘that period of their childhood is so fleeting’ could be seen as being on the side of giving up work to stay with them! Not that I’m advocating for that.

I think that if someone is in a position where they can go part time in their current role, then everyone gets the best of both worlds.

I think it’s sad that so many people nowadays have to remain working full time out of financial necessity when that isn’t what they really want.

@YaWeeFurryBastard

Erm, it’s often forgoing “luxuries” like funding driving lessons, help with uni, house deposits and extra curriculars/holidays for the kids, not just clothes for mum

Yeah it’s interesting that on these threads its always portrayed that women have careers to pay for fast cars and designer handbags. Never the mortgage, the school fees, the food or anything pedestrian like that. That must be what men’s salaries are for.

Women only get careers to wear shoulder pads and thump the boardroom table with their perfect manicure while they demand another oat latte. Their children shivering in overcrowded nurseries.

And we’re never doing jobs that contribute to society…

Whoopee.

When I was SAHM my sister worked FT as did my SIL and we obviously spent time together with the kids at weekends and holidays. I really noticed they were 100% focused on their kids when they were with them, whereas I was in an exhausted fog of wishing they would just leave me alone. I often felt guilty for this, the thing is I was enthusiastic and engaging sometimes too, but I'd now heard the same thing 400 times that week and there is only so much a person can give. I had given up work due to incredible mum guilt and the lucky support financially from DH, but the guilt continued in other ways. I felt bad they weren't socialising enough, the youngest spent hours in the back of a car in traffic dropping siblings to activities. I think if you are predisposed to Mum guilt it gets you either way. My SIL and Dsis never felt guilty about their choices, and honestly I would say their children are every bit as much nurtured and loved and connected. I don't agree that one approach is better than the other, for parents or children. I absolutely hate judgement either way, anyone who has a choice should be counting their blessings.

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt

No indeed. And it’s apparently never crossed anyone’s mind to wonder what would happen to the NHS or schools if women all took six years off work.

Its a juggling act for sure. Im glad i was never pressured to become a SAHM. That was just not me and tbh i couldn’t wait to get back to work after 9 month maternity leave. Its years of struggle working full time/parenting/running the household but like you say, its fleeting. When youre in the thick of it, it seems eternity.

Most people I know pressurised SAHMs to work. They were not fulfilled or earning so obviously a drain on society and holding up women’s rights!

As a working mum, I agree with you. The pressure on women to get back to work ASAP and make sure you're earning as much as possible is far more apparent to me than any pressure not to work. Maybe it was different in previous generations but from millenials onwards, I think it's seen as inferior to be a sahm or even a mum who doesn't have a high earning job.

Wish the world of work was more flexible. Then it would not be such a choice. Most jobs are still centred on the patriarchal model of working which why it is so difficult to do both!

The hours could be more flexible. At the moment everyone expects you to work like you have no kids and parent like your not exhausted from work!

No I don’t have time for nights out and conferences abroad.

These conversations are always really interesting (and I’m sure we won’t stop having them anytime soon.)

but they are sadly also v divisive and invariably women feel personally attacked for their choices in some way.

i have done a mixture of working 4 days a week in the office after Mat leave and my kids being in nurseries and after school club, to then working fully from home as they got out of the toddler years -
to becoming fully self employed with my own business and therefore being at home most of the time.

to then adding in a second very PT paid role (branching into a new second career)

I would now call myself a part time SAHM while managing to have a fulfilling career and business.

my DH also went down to PT for about 10 years so we very much shared the childcare between us. My career was more lucrative than his, but we both love what we do and both wanted to be around for the kids.

I have never wanted to let my career go. At times have had to work more to keep mortgage paid and now am able to be in control of my own working time, not being rich enough for designer handbags but being able to pay the bills.

I’m also extremely grateful and recognise my immense privilege that I’ve been able to be at home with my children a lot and continue to be as they navigate the teen years.

on my proverbial deathbed I shall both remember the wonderful family times and the hugely fulfilling achievements I’ve made professionally. And all the other things I’ve loved doing in life, alongside being a mum.

we need to be mindful that having a career you love is a privilege and being a FT SAHM while someone else pays the bills is also a huge privilege.

Also the media does not help with its unrealistic outdated portrayal of what you can do as a working woman on a salary and the amount of disposable income. Full time nanny in London now is over 50k !

There’s a lot of disparaging of women’s jobs going on here, and it’s pretty gross.

Not sure if it’s jealously, bitterness, judgement or what. But it reeks of being a knob!

It works both ways. Being a SAHM is a job too (albeit unpaid).

to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

It sounds like you got the balance right but in some cases I feel kids are sacrificed for career.

I worked two days a week when I had mine, from when they were six months. Never went back full time.
In hindsight I regret not taking at least five years out and even more I regret going back so soon. I didn't need to financially it was just expected. This was the 1990s. Childcare cost absorbed my entire salary for five years so it was pointless (there was no free or subsided childcare then).

Yes I have noticed this.

‘You earn £100k! Get a nanny!’

Well £100k after tax is £60-70k net a year, and a nanny might cost you £50k all in so…. Not so straightforward…!

Wow. Some of these comments really are showing all the internalised misogyny aren't they. Working mothers are "sacrificing their children" now? Get out of here with that nonsense. There are good working parents and good stay at home ones out there, and there are also crap ones in both categories too.

Im pleased i never had kids.
Sacrifice my body my vagina my life my freedom my travels and my bank.
I think i chose well.

@BlueberryLatte My Dc were born in 92 and 95. Definite pressure to return. Mostly from friends who didn’t have dc. You are seen as letting women down if you don’t do it all apparently.

Each to their own.
I’m very glad I did give up my career when I had kids.
I am now working in a much less stressful job and my quality of life is better as a result.

The thing is you can always go back to your career but you will never be able to go back to you’re kids early years if you decide later on that you regret not spending more time with them.

Yes it might be difficult to go back to work, you might be years behind in terms of promotions (worth it to be there for the kids) but it’s definitely possible if you try hard enough. If you find it impossible then I dare to say maybe you weren’t that great at your job in the first place.

I didn't really have a career before having dcs, and I was disillusioned with my job so I was happy to stop working once I had dc. For me, wanting to leave work was a major factor in deciding to have children in the first place. It didn't affect my financial security as I had other income and focused on building up investments while I was a sahm, so now I have more financial freedom than people depending on employment. Loved having the early years with my dcs, and lots of school holiday time, but also enough time to myself during school terms to focus on my interests, hobbies, sports, wellness etc.

Great for you - such a nice story to read!
Just don’t mistake your own story as possible or desirable for all, and judge or think less of mums making different choices. If you manage that, you are winning in life 🩵