To feel like I just never quite fit in?

[PurpleGoldfish]

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

You sound lovely op. I do know how you feel though. I’ve always felt a bit different, no matter how much I try to fit in. Most of my friends been the same.
I actually believe I’ve got adhd, which might explain it x

Yes but I’m autistic.

Are you me?

I've long since accepted I'm just an introvert and maybe even on the spectrum somewhere. I'd honestly prefer a walk and a podcast, or a film with DH than needing to be "on" with friends all the time

I have always felt like this, like an outsider, never quite fit in anywhere.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and it now kind of makes sense.

I do have friends but not a group of friends. Always struggle in the school playground with other parents and struggle to fit in at school.

That's really nice of you to say. I think "different" is exactly the word I should have used actually. I have occasionally wondered if I have ADHD (I was relatively high achieving at school but absolutely chronically disorganised and I still am) so maybe there's something in that. Nice to know I'm not alone.

I used to feel like this a lot then somewhere in my late 30’s/early 40’s I just stopped giving a shit and was just myself - quirks and odd habits and whatever. I was just authentic and me. I found that people I liked, liked me, and people I didn’t care about, well, I didn’t care! It was so liberating, highly recommend. I spent so much time when I was younger trying to be like everyone else when it’s just so much easier to be yourself.

Me, but I also have possible adhd. Even within my own family I never felt like I quite fit. I seriously considered the possibility that I was adopted as a child, which was ridiculous me and my sisters are carbon copies of each other but they both seemed to find the social side of life so effortless while I felt like I was constantly putting on an act.

You sound very much like me.

I really struggled with the whole school mum thing and I'm glad my DC are now in their late teens.

I'm actually getting worse now I'm in my 50's. I'm not a loner but just find it hard making polite chit chat. Way before I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD earlier this year (I think I also have many autistic traits), I would say I have to put my 'mask' on before walking out my door and yes, I too find it utterly exhausting.

I never found an answer to it but can say that I've made peace with it now I'm 52. I'm happy with the few friends that I have, I have two lovely DC and DH and that has become enough for me right now. I'd much rather potter around a bookshop or garden centre on my own than make conversation with strangers tbh.

You sound like me. I'm a huge high achiever but also a complete mess. I also feel different and never fit in. Social interactions are draining. Look up AuAdhd women and I bet you'll spot a lot of traits in yourself. There are a lot of us!

I think the moments of perfectly fitting in with another person or group are rare and valuable for all of us. The others you see are just trying and trying in search of these moments.

It's OK to not fit in. I suspect lots of people don't, but are just better at faking it. Personally, i can't be arsed with doing that any more, it's too draining.

I’ve never been part of a friendship group or “gone out with the girls”. It used to bother me as it felt like an expectation from my parents. They used to get all “concerned” although I was happy enough.

I’m now nearly 54 and am still happy enough. All my friends are individual and have no connection to each other.

I know exactly what you mean, forever on the periphery, no advice but solidarity. I just do my own thing and don't expect much from others.

Embrace the weird! I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I have friends, acquaintances who I'm happy to catch up with at a BBQ or over a beer.

Equally happy to be ignored or avoided by other people.

I also don't wear make up, have embraced the grey, dress simply but colourfully. Listen to Prodigy on my earbuds while I'm walking to work, smile at babies...

You're you and you're awesome!

I feel I've been faking it all my life but as I get older I realise that I do have some really good friends and the faking to fit i just dont do anymore. It is exhausting and I know it is a cliché but once you accept yourself you will attract others around you who you do fit with. You realise then its ok to see friends and not talk much or overshare everything dependent on the day and they love the you not the pretend you. As others have said you sound lovely o.p.
There's probably a certain sort of person who posts on mumsnet on a sat night so know you arent faking these interactions.

I think when you try less to fit in, you find the real connections

I've never felt that I fit neatly, but actually I don't care either. If you know me, you may or not like me, and I am fine if you hate my guts.

You do sound lovely OP and no you're not alone!

I can't think of any aspect of my life where I don't feel a bit misplaced iykwim apart from one, at home motherhood. From being a child at school, to every job I have had, to going out with friends, to the school run, to parents evenings, to some but not all mother and toddler groups. I feel that way around my siblings too, and even in my lifelong hobby where I'm one of the most established members!

I care much less now I'm heading for menopause but my happiest days, most comfortable days were being at home with my younger children. Now they're hitting adulthood and with older friends and partners, the old feeling like an intruder in my own home is creeping back in when they have friends round.

I strongly suspect I have ADHD or AuDHD.

My DS is autistic and I think I am as well. But since I have been masking so much and forced myself to be social until exhaustion during my kids primary years I did have mum friends. But now I just don't have it in me anymore. I have few friends which is how I like it. I can talk to everyone though- and I enjoy talking to authentic people who don't play a role (as I used to do). For superficial chit chat I have got no patience.

I make pleasant conversation every single day with everyone I encounter while walking the dog. It isn't tiring for me; it is part and parcel of being a concerned dog owner. We shoot the breeze; it's very rarely more than chat.

Ohhhhh. This is really interesting, lots of comments about neuro divergence. Maybe that's something I should look into further, there are a few diagnosed or suspected autistic people in my wider family. I always feel like I can come across bubbly and friendly if I need to but in truth I'm just masking and I suspect people can tell. Perhaps it puts them off. I was recently at a wedding where the person I was talking to excused themselves to go to the bathroom, then just immediately walked to the next table and struck up conversation with them instead and I was left stood there wondering what I'd done wrong.

I'm also a bit of an anxious overthinker. I drank heavily socially in my 20s and early 30s because it allowed me to relax around people and be fun and silly, but I think that also meant friendships could be a bit superficial. Now I don't drink (much) it's so much harder!

I just feel kinda sorry for my kid. I always feel like such an odd duck at village or school events and I think that must impact on her, wish I could be easy breezy and just fit in like others seem to.

Just get on with life @PurpleGoldfish . You are not wrong, and neither are the other people. Perhaps you aren't on the same wavelength? It's not rare.

So a bit of reading about autism and masking in women. It's quite different to how it's presents in men

Yes I've felt this way. It did feel worst when the DC were in primary school, like you I would see all these friendships forming amongst the mums and I just didn't feel comfortable with them. Now I'm older and they are in high school I don't really care so much. I spend most of my time with family, I have a couple of friends I keep in touch with and I get social interaction at work. That's enough for me now so not 'fitting in' doesn't matter to me so much. I am much better with 1:1 socialising, I don't really like being in a group.

You are probably more ‘normal’ than you think. They are plenty of people out there just like you, feeling like they are missing something and trying to fit in with the crowd.
But the thing is, you don’t need to and you will likely find friends who are just as likely to minded as you. A lot of women pretend to fit in especially when their kids are little so that they and their children have friends. Eventually it falls away and people find ‘their’ people.
I don’t do groups and actively shy away from them. I am in my early 50s now and I am finally OK about being me. I have friends but they are generally all friends I see on a one to one basis because that is what I enjoy. I was part of a group for many years and found the group get togethers a real chore. I dreaded them to be honest and always wondered why. I now see two of these friends regularly but separately. I think to be honest we are all a bit different in our ways which is why we attracted each other in the first place.
My only advice to you is to have confidence in yourself and what you enjoy doing with your children. You will make friends, but stick to the one rather than the crowd, maybe the other person there who looks a bit on their own. That’s how I have found most of my closest friends over the past 25 years!!!