To feel like I just never quite fit in?

[PurpleGoldfish]

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

I always felt like this. I realised as an adult I’m autistic, when we found out my son is autistic and he’s exactly like me!

I felt this way, turned out I was autistic. Not saying you are but that was my experience.

i am friendly and get on well with everyone, but struggle to make friends. I never really feel like I fit in. I have fairly narrow interests but not to any extreme. I have a lot of autism in my family and every single person is different. Only a few are overly autistic, most fly under the radar.

Either way, understanding you aren’t the only one is important. Even if there’s no neurodivergence, there are lots of us that don’t fit in. You just have to find your tribe. I haven’t found that yet but onwards!

Am I the only person who thinks that self-diagnosed neurodivergence is yet another luxury belief?

I’m like that . Any chance you are neurodivergent?

What do you mean ?

I've felt like this my whole life, you're definitely not alone.
Thats just how some people are, it doesn't always have to mean they are autistic etc. I'm not.

I also don't feel I fit, but I am certainly not autistic. I am just unconventional.

Or that depending on your age diagnosis wasn't made. My dad - dyslexic but classed as thick my son dyslexic but has a degree. Grandson - non verbal autism- me - slow at speaking and 'odd'

I've sometimes felt that that. I don't have children, or a partner, and I seem to like different music, and clothes, and have different ideas, to my friends. However I just concentrate on the things we do have in common.

When I was a teen and used to go to the clubrooms after rugby I always sat with the guys as I wasn't really interested in the "girl talk" 😀

I am easily bored and quite intolerant of lazy thinking. Occasionally (I've learned not to do it often) I suggest that the thought process is deficient or absent.

I have adhd and autism and would often feel like this. Since I’ve been diagnosed, I’m much kinder to myself. I recognise when friendships feel forced and don’t leave me feeling good after interacting. I look for those who are also likely on the spectrum too - those friendships are much more natural. I check in with my old mates every now and again on text and vice versa and I try not to worry too much about not fitting in with the school mums.
If you want to get school mum friendships going though, inviting their children over for a playdate is a good place to start.

Sorry. I dont understand what you mean by thought process is absent or deficient.
Do you mean any one with n.d?

I could have written this. I always got on better with adults as a child, I thought my peers were all so vapid/petty (girls) aggressive and childish (boys) and I wasn't interested in any of it. I didn't want to standout though so I knew I needed friends to not be the 'weirdo' though so I tried and failed to be normal.

It's easier as I have aged, it's normal to not have a close knit group of friends so noone noticed that side although DH guest list was much longer at our wedding.

My success with making friends as an adult have always been through work or hobbies. It's easy to talk shop with people in my industry (design) so small talk is minimised.

I recommend starting a really niche hobby. I write fantasy and found my people in a specifically fantasy/scifi writing group. They are a quantum scientist, a polyglot multi-instramentalist, a doctor, writing a 20 book series and me, a floaty designer. They are all wonderfully weird, and once the self consciousness faded we get on like a house on fire.

I've been to more literary type groups who write about very serious subjects and they just looked at me blankly when I wrote a piece about the ompa loompas fight for freedom from the tyrannical insanity of Wonka. My new group would have appreciated my art!!

Find your people!

My dad could fall out with anyone, or with his own shadow, in an empty room, over nothing at all. My point is only that I try to dodge arguments. I do engage, but only when the discussion is quite an important discussion.

To add to a bit of a chorus here: I very much relate to what you say.
I've felt this way since school really.
Sometimes it feels pretty lonely.
The thing is though that I tend not to really want to fit in because I don't actually have much in common with most people or find them that interesting when I scratch below the surface. That makes me sound like an arrogant arsehole and perhaps I am but the older I get, the less interested I am in faking in order to fit in.
I've two things helpful - no idea if either would be any good as a strategy for you, but will share just in case. First, I tend to focus more on hobbies and spending time with people through those than trying to just get to know people socially in general. That way at least we can talk about the shared interest and we are actually doing stuff together. The other is that I've put less effort into trying to ease conversations along. I used to do fake laughing and smiling and to say what I thought people wanted to hear in the hopes of fitting in but I just couldn't sustain it and probably came across as fake anyway. Now if I find someone's conversation tedious or don't agree with them, I'm not necessarily a dick about it but I just don't bother to feed the conversation. It's about stopping worrying about rejection from people who I don't actually want to connect with.
And yes, I know my views are probably too negative and I know that people can surprise you, and that most people have cool stuff about them when you get beneath the surgacd. It's not that I don't like people. I just don't want to have to pretend anymore.

Yes, I feel exactly the same. I suspect I'm neurodivergent also but the thought of asking for an assessment fills me with dread

Almost every single person who says on here that they don’t fit in, or that they struggle with friendship, or would like more friends, says the same kind of thing — I’m nice, I make polite conversation, I’m an average person, I’m not actively off-putting.

But no one befriends someone because they’re ‘average’ or make polite conversation, or aren’t actively off-putting, or do or don’t wear makeup — they are attracted to people who interest them, who are good company, who share their interests. Who are you really, OP? When you’re ‘faking’ it, what is it you think you are faking?

This is so relatable. No advice OP sorry, just solidarity that you aren’t on your own! I make work friends really easily but can’t seem to ever make proper friends, however DP did say to me not long ago that I drop people when I move jobs?! Which really shocked me to be honest. I think maybe I feel like an outsider so I never believe people want to be friends with me other than due to circumstance, meaning i just move on when I no longer work with them.

I'm going to try to channel this a bit more, thank you for your thoughtful post.

I think it maybe is less about a genuine desire to fit in with people I don't have much in common with, than a feeling that I SHOULD try too, particularly for the sake of my DC. I don't want them to be left out of stuff because I suck at making mum friends. My village is also extremely sociable with loads of fun events but the thought of attending just fills me with dread.

I was a shy little kid but actually had plenty of friends and a lovely group at secondary school. It all just seemed to start unravelling after that.

Interesting! This made me think. I definitely do have a personality aside from all the "but I'm perfectly inoffensive!" stuff. Perhaps I have just failed to find sufficient people with similar interests. Or maybe when I meet people with similar interests I feel like they will be more knowledgeable or whatever than I am and end up getting imposter syndrome, which is ridiculous really.

I've also been wrapped up in intensively parenting (SAHM) the last few years so maybe that's turned my brain to mush a bit?! Perhaps that's part of the problem.

Love that you write fantasy! I also love fantasy but barely seen to have time to read these days.

That's a very specific writing group. Is it online, or are you in a big city or something? Well done for proactively finding your people.

Can't reply to everyone but just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful posts, ideas and solidarity! Really nice to know I'm not alone and has given me stuff to think about.

Have a look at this article, does it resonate?
Otroverts

THIS IS ME! …did I write this?

I am fairly average and likewise to all you have said; it is exhausting and in addition I seem to have developed a real downer on myself recently. I do wonder how others view me as I think I probably look fairly ‘normal’ and engaged with people but I feel exactly the same as you.

Sending you all the best in solidarity!

Love this.. I’m finally finding the same.