To feel like I just never quite fit in?

[PurpleGoldfish]

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

Your post comes across as you being very concerned about what others think, even mentioning your appearance which is a bit crazy. Having spent a lot of time with Neurodivergent people, I can tell you that yes, most of the time it's obvious when someone is masking and trying to get people to like them. It makes me distance myself from them because they are hard work. I don't know how you can manage it, but when you realise that you aren't supposed to give a shit what people think, life will be so much easier for you.

A lifelong feeling of not fitting in, and the related assumption that ‘everyone else’ is one big homogenous blob, is often a tell of neurodivergence IME.

You are me

I’ve found as I’ve got older I’ve found my tribe. We are all high functioning neurodivergent

By the way, someone moving on and talking to someone else at a party is normal. There's no reason to take it personally. Just move on and find someone else to talk to, or do your own thing.

Lots of people feel like this I think. I do. Feel like I can chat to people in specific situations fine but making proper friends is so hard. And as people have said if you move on the friends all disappear once the reason to meet up isn’t there anymore. I agree with the niche hobbies suggestion and finding people like you - they are out there. And in the mean time listen to ‘everyone but me’ by Maddox Jones and feel less alone.

I'm the same. I felt like a disadvantage to my children in primary school, when you were supposed to make mum friends and have your children's friends invite them over and have them over to yours. I don't like visitors and find talking to people exhausting.

I am upbeat and laugh-y in public, but recently read about masking, and feel I do that. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic family and haven't had a drink in 10 years. I am the scapegoat in my family and they all hate that I don't drink.

My children are now teenagers and understand I am an introvert who loves to be at home. I don't think I'll have many friends in my old age, but I have accepted it. I'm just different, I guess.

I also think anyone can fit in if they are genuinely interested in other people. A lot of people who feel socially alienated aren’t, when it comes down to it, interested in people. They’re primarily interested in things or facts or systems or concepts, and don’t feel an instinctive curiosity about others’ experience.

I’ve always felt this way so you’re not alone.

I think we all think we don’t fit in, at least some of the time - don’t we?

I could have written this post!
Feel exactly the same - especially the bit about feeling a stranger in your own home!

I feel the same. I am an introvert and likely on the autism spectrum.

I find socialising completely exhausting and I always feel like anything I do or say always someone comes out wrong and never feels natural and feel self-conscious.

I can also feel that some people feel uncomfortable around me.

I was really bullied at school as a kid for being quiet/shy/odd.

As I get older I am more accepting of my differences and I simply don't socialise in loud/busy environments and groups and I am no longer trying to ''fit in''.

I’m a bit like this. Good at befriending but bad at sustaining a friendship. It’s a bit out of sight out of mind with me. Easily distracted. Have a lot of ND family members so maybe that explains it.

Yes. I do have a solid group of uni friends. But definitely as an adult I've really struggled to fit in, especially with larger female groups. I always feel like I'm faking it somehow. It's been a long time since I genuinely clicked with someone new, and I'm not sure why.

Do you have a spouse/partner/other half?

Yes, this is me too. I can (mostly) handle the acquaintance thing. Then seem to look around and realise that everyone else seems to have moved on into "proper" friends. Happens at work, hobbies, school mums. I suspect DC2 is somewhere on the autism spectrum and that I may also be. Still flip-flopping between whether a diagnosis (for them) might be beneficial. Having this as a possibility has "allowed me" to observe the "standing on the edge" thing and not beat myself up about it quite so much. I do have friends and "friendly people" and people who are kind enough to let me tag along with them when needed. I could decide to force myself into more groups, but actually I don't think I want to do that (any more) enough. It takes all sorts. Look for kind inclusive people who will allow you to be included when you want. And be thankful for any small number of people who are on your team - partner, few friends, kids, parents.

I hope so. 😁

I do, a husband. He seems to be able to put up with me ok! And we have a few "shared" friends but again, I often find myself feeling awkward and not part of the gang these days.

I think kind of know what you mean - those who have reached well into their adulthood, managed to establish careers, relationships, escape fairly lightly from childhood bullying, picked up some friends along the way.

It's clearly a world away from someone who isn't able to communicate, stay in mainstream school, achieve qualifications, live independently etc.

But I don't think that means it's not valid.

I think most neurodivergent people feel like this.

Echoing PP's..... yes but I'm autistic and I have adhd

The faking it socialising and being exhausted afterwards sounds like masking

I can relate to this so much, OP. It's horrible feeling like you never quite fit in. My biggest upset is not having any couple friends with DH. I've tried so hard over the years but it's not happened for us. It's left me feeling like a failure compared to my parents and siblings who have always had shared friends they enjoy spending time with. I have been wondering if I'm ND in some way, for various reasons.

I’ve been like this my whole life. I do suspect undiagnosed autism but I’m not bothered about going down that route as it won’t make a difference to me.

The faking it part really resonates. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become more aware of how to behave in social situations and during conversations but I do find it draining, and still never seem to fit in. I do force myself more now I’m older to go out and do things when invited. In my 20s I didn’t and did become very isolated so trying not to go back to that.

I feel the same way . Whatever group I am in, I always feel that I don’t fit in . I used to think that it was everyone else’s fault but now I’m 61 and I realize it’s me! I have one or two close friends but that’s it . Many people have said that I’m hard to know - I don’t think I am, I just only feel comfortable opening up to people I trust !

Same. High five!

I feel very similar to this, i have very few friends that I feel comfortable enough to even have a conversation with in person, I avoid any type of social events as I feel like I don't fit in and I worry what people think of me, I even replay conversations in my head all night after talking to someone. I've always been like this and it's this reason, amongst other reasons why I think I have autism and/or adhd, But I'm too worried about being judged and that it's all in my head to go for a diagnosis.