To feel like I just never quite fit in?

[PurpleGoldfish]

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

I can relate to all of this. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like people just don’t get me and have always found friendships absolutely exhausting. Even as a young child/teenager, if I had a sleepover at a friends house I would come home absolutely mentally exhausted and just have to spend time alone in my bedroom to recharge. Don’t get me wrong I like people and I need some social interaction but for me these days it’s more on an acquaintance level as that’s all I can cope with.

Same! Recently DCs friends mums all met up and the kids played. DC noticed all mates going off and was incredibly upset. DH (who gives zero shits) messaged to ask if we could join, so we turned up and they were having food and a natter, I would have loved that. These are all nice women, I like them all, but whatever it is seems there's something about me. No idea, but boy I felt pathetic having to ask to be included. Always ok to talk to 1 on 1, but forgotten when other people turn up. DC had a whale of a time and that's what's important though.

I can't do small talk, I can't think of anything to say. By the time I start to feel comfortable the friendship groups have been made and it's so hard to break in. Perhaps I come across as aloof with resting bitch face, but I don't mean to be!

I've felt like that my whole life. I was the child with seperated parents when I was little, I was the poor one, I was the young carer with more responsibility and no freedom. I was the skint one at Uni pretending to fit in. We moved around the country a bit so I feel rootlesa as well. I live in an area filled with (and work with) professionals who went skiing as children, learnt an innstrument, played on sports teams and generally seem very acomplished. I also never seem to quite fit with female friendships. I would say I have a lots of superficial friends no best friends. I have major imposter syndrome at work despite doing my job for 25 years. I spend my whole life pretending to fit in.

I understand that you feel what you feel, and I understand that you might exaggerate a bit when you write this:
"Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?"

Even if you describe yourself as a "relatively mateless loser", you have a husband. Someone who looked at you and thought: This person is so awesome that I want to share my life with her. I love her, and I like spending time with her so much that I want to be together with her forever.
And you feel the same about him. That is something wonderful, and you know that of course.

I have many lovely friends, but I am forever single. I would really like to have a husband to share my life with.
(I understand that your post is also about fitting in. I also understand that a married person still wants to have friends and a friend group. But to me, all you happily married women, you get to share your life with your favourite person in the world, and then you write that you are lonely.)

You write that have a couple of good friends, but that they are scattered around the country. Can you travel to see them? Can they travel to see you?
What are your interests? Can you join a club/group? I joined a literary society, and met many new friends that way. We all have quite different personalities but since we have the same interest (a specific author), we get along great and have so much fun.

I was diagnosed with adhd in 2023 aged 32 and then diagnosed in 2024 with autism..... I had absolutely no idea about the autism until I started adhd meds and was unable to mask anymore

I found having a diagnosis has had such a positive impact on my MH. All those years I've spent not understanding why I wasn't like other people and being really harsh on myself. The reason I've struggled with a, b, c ect.

I was worried about the label aswell but yano what, it actually led to me finding my tribe. I have a lovely group of adhd/autistic friends now and we all meet up several times a week for a coffee ect it's really nice.

That’s good to hear. My DD has been diagnosed with ADHD - I suspect I am on the spectrum somewhere.

I’ve always felt as though I was different and just don’t fit in. I have terrible misophonia and I cut all labels out of my clothes straight away.

How did you find your tribe?

Always. I have started doing gym classes and it's the same old story.

Solidarity, I'm the same. I try so hard not to give off this vibe but it just happens. Much love.

The thing is though that I tend not to really want to fit in because I don't actually have much in common with most people or find them that interesting when I scratch below the surface. That makes me sound like an arrogant arsehole and perhaps I am but the older I get, the less interested I am in faking in order to fit in

This really stood out to me. I've not wanted to say it out loud as it doesn't sound good! But the older I get, the more I just prefer my own company, spending time doing things I enjoy.

I can remember even in school I never stuck with one core group of friends. I would flit in and out of various different groups because I'd get bored. Whilst I am loosely in touch with some people from years ago, I've never kept up a long standing close friendship with anyone.

On the surface I can get on with almost anyone. My whole career was kind of based around that premise! But I generally find it boring spending time with other people. I realised I used to drink excessively on nights out, purely so as not to be bored. The only people I have a lot of fun with are my adult DC, which is probably because I am 100% myself with them. They also both have a lot of similarities to me in different ways. It would be nice to have a friend like that but I don't think I'll find them and even if I did I'd probably still get bored of them after a while!

So, you are literally the only interesting person in the world? You are such a rare being that you have nothing at all in common with anyone else? Everyone else, once you ‘scratch below the surface’ is not worthy of your time, even though you admit to having spent most of your life faking some kind of artificial public persona?

That’s pretty self-deluded. Take some responsibility for your own inability to make and manage friendships.

It’s pretty clear that your low opinion of other people, your fake social persona and the fact that you appear to think it’s normal to fake interest or agreement with other people even when you’re bored or feel hostile towards whatever they’re saying, is exactly what has blocked you from making and keeping friends. If you think most people aren’t worthy of your attention, I can’t imagine that ‘saying whatever you thought they wanted to hear’ was at all convincing.

Be yourself, for god’s sake.

See, this is what I meant upthread when I said a lot of people who feel they don’t fit in just aren’t all that interested in other people.

(and one of the replies I got was, essentially, I am very interested in people, except for all the boring superficial ones who want to talk about things other than what I want to talk about).

People who are genuinely interested in other people have an interest in someone else’s personhood, their vibe, their perspective, what’s going on in their life, the things that matter to them - not just their shared hobbies, or what information they can impart on particular topics.

It’s fine not to be interested in other people - just don’t try to pretend that the very people you find so boring and beneath contempt are excluding you out of meanness and intolerance.

People who are genuinely interested in other people have an interest in someone else’s personhood, their vibe, their perspective, what’s going on in their life, the things that matter to them

I'd be very interested in other people if this is what they were giving me! But the vast majority don't. And the vast majority aren't interested in knowing those things about me.

You posted earlier, though, about mainly being bored by other people throughout your life, and preferring your own company - which is fine! But maybe part of the issue is that you have quite low social needs?

Not everyone really needs or wants close friendships (or turns out to enjoy them when they have them) and that’s totally fine.

But I think a lot of people with low social needs feel this reflects badly on them, and they try to make friends to ‘fit in’ when it’s not necessarily what they genuinely want or need.

And people can tell when they are being ‘collected’ to meet a friend quota, or when they are effectively being mined for social acceptance, and that doesn’t feel good at all.

Not saying you’re doing this, BTW - it doesn’t sound like you are.

I’m partly thinking of the other thread just now with the person asking how to make friends given that she can’t tolerate people ‘moaning’ or confiding in her. It could very well be that she’s surrounded by whingers - there are certainly a lot of those about! - but it could also be that she is bored / repulsed by other people’s vulnerability and invitations to emotional closeness and would feel much happier with connections that are secondary to an action or interest.

I see what you're saying but there is a lot of pressure to fit in. I've seen on threads here when someone talks about being introverted, someone will snidely comment "I wouldn't want such a small life". As if you can't go off and do interesting things alone! (which I do very regularly). In fact when you do things alone, you're much more likely to get talking to interesting strangers! Which I really enjoy. But I can see why people want to be seen as "normal". I'm old enough now not to care but I did feel it when I was younger. We always get told humans are social creatures and it does make you feel a bit abnormal if you don't feel like that.

At my age I'm now being told I'll regret not having friends when I'm 80 and will suddenly feel terribly lonely! But why would I? And if I do, I'll join something and make friends. But the pressure doesn't end.

Yes I have felt the same, but I am autistic. I have found my people though - also autistic so communication styles match better.