To feel like I just never quite fit in?

[PurpleGoldfish]

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

If this has been the case since childhood and has adversely and significantly impacted your life in a detrimental and disabling way, reduced your opportunities, impacts your self esteem, possibly even how you cope during or after work then go get that assessment.

People judge you either way, but you're your own worst critic so setting the record straight starts with yourself. Don't let other peoples silly little opinions rule whether or not you get to know yourself better.

One thing I never understand is - for people who find socialising draining and exhausting and painful, why make yourself do it? What is there to be gained? You say you don’t want to be isolated, but is being isolated worse than being around groups of people when you don’t actually like it?

When I’m hosting an event, I’d far rather people just stayed home than force themselves to turn up, and exhaust themselves with the effort of pretending to enjoy my company and conversation 😕

I have for another song for us all -‘Why am I like this’ by Orla Gartland.

In terms of self diagnosis of ND being a luxury, well if it helps us understand ourselves better and cut ourselves some slack then what harm is it doing? Embrace the special interests, accept the need to decompress from social pressure, use the stims to reduce the overwhelm, avoid the sensory overload without guilt Why not?

Felt the exact same way my entire life. Became a mum three years ago and the lack of sleep postpartum and hormones exasperated it all. So I got an adhd assessment at 37 and it was very clear I have it.

It’s been a godsend knowing, I’ve found peace avoiding big groups and just thriving with the 1:1 friendships I really click with. I love it!

I’ve also managed to detach from work challenges with culture, not worry so much and thrive at work.

What I will say is you probably are far more normal the you realise. Even neurotypical people have their doubts about fitting in.

If you have just two to three 1:1 friendships you click with then honestly don’t worry about fitting in and harness the people you do feel close with.

One thing I never understand is - for people who find socialising draining and exhausting and painful, why make yourself do it? What is there to be gained? You say you don’t want to be isolated, but is being isolated worse than being around groups of people when you don’t actually like it?.

The thing is though that when things click and it goes well because you meet another kindred spirit or because you are just in the right frame of mind or whatever then it feels great and you want more of it - even if in small doses. But so often it doesn’t go like that. It is always hoping for something that feels unreachable and something that everyone else seems to love.

I love this from @Limon87 It’s been a godsend knowing, I’ve found peace avoiding big groups and just thriving with the 1:1 friendships I really click with. I love it!

There are people like us out there - look at this thread. It’s meeting them and being brave enough to kindle the 1:1 friendship. I am often too scared that people will think I am assuming we are more friendly than they think we are.

Not in my case. I am genuinly interested in people. Just not interested in conversations about clothes/looks/gossip etc which kind of narrows it down unfortunately.

Well what do you enjoy - I realised that getting together for a chat wasn’t for me, discussing a topic yes,but general chitchatting no. I do enjoy small groups doing craft work/painting so you are doing something but with the odd bit of chat. I enjoy outdoors so walk a few miles with a neighbour regularly. Birdwatching occasionally. Etc You can go anywhere on your own with walking boots and a backpack or a camera without looking out of place.
Dont do what you think you should enjoy do what you actually enjoy

I can only answer for myself but when I was younger my motivation was to fit in because I didn't want to feel awkward. Alcohol helped but sometimes it got to much trying to be social. I had a friend group at uni who thought I was crazy when I said I preferred staying in with a book and not go to the New years party they organised 😅.

Later on it was to help my children with their social skills (1 autistic). I do find it very easy to be social with children ; they are authentic and innocent and quite funny and I do got a strong maternal instinct (not just for my dc but for all children). I think some mum friends thought I was ott organising games etc but I actually prefered spending time with their dc to spending time with them (with a few exceptions).

Yes this is me, but I’m diagnosed ASD and ADHD. I have friends that I’ve had for years, but I really struggle to make new friends and fit in, or talk to others at an event unless I’ve got a friend there to take the lead. I don’t fit in with the school mums at all, have no idea what to say to them and spend the whole time thinking I just sound stupid. As a child I’d in a new setting like holiday camps I’d just hang around with the adults rather then attempt to make friends with the other children.

Maybe you head towards the same type for friends? Sometime the group you are choosing aren’t your people.

Theres a reason people stick together -

But I agree with PP I also forced myself to make friends be part of the crowd but never fitted in with the culture.

I hit 40 ish and decided I didn’t care enough to make the effort - small group of friends, none are the trendy type the old group still out every weekend and away for weekends - I don’t have the energy!!

Even work parties I can’t be arsed with!! Team lunches, no thanks!!

Let them go and enjoy themselves I rather read my book or be home with family.

I feel this way too. I have no family around. I struggle to connect. Friend live far away. I have a husband but I’ve realised he’s narcissistic and I’m trying to wrap my head around that. Other parents are drawn to his charisma but he is totally different at home. Meanwhile it’s like I’m just outside looking in. So yes I can relate. I don’t know how to change my relationship with other mums too.

I don't fit in but I am not 'faking' either.
Hope you feel more comfy in own skin soon, OP.

I very much feel the same. I think it’s because I really do have an unusual mix of interests/tastes that usually oppose each other and I’m not what people expect.

I think it doesn’t help that I don’t really follow any popular shows or anything like that, so I don’t have much in common to chitchat with most people.

I make schoolgate friends well enough but have literally nobody who would text me to go for a coffee with them.

Yes I notice this too. The polite people I might make conversation with but my friends are people who are funny, self depreciating, real, dark humoured, affectionate etc.

I absolutely hear you...

I could have written this, including the use of alcohol in my twenties (now don’t drink). I’m late diagnosed ND and as I’m approaching my 50s have learned to just be me.
I don’t really fit in with my colleagues but that’s ok - I’m good at my job and I just hope they respect me.
I have some friends but not many. My DH and my sisters are my best friends and where I get to just be me. I’m getting better at being less bland and letting people see the real me - if they like me great and if not well, so what.
Interestingly, most of the people I do get on with are also ND. Talk about finding your tribe!!

We have to because we have to work. Simple as that. And my line of work is to ensure children with disabilities(including but not just, ASD) get a fair chance. Otherwise, I would happily stay at home or go for walks endlessly with my dog.

This is me I feel like I give off a weirdo radar even though I look pretty normal. I’m autistic, I have a couple of old friends I see occasionally and a couple of mum friends but I’m busy with my family , work and my hobbies .
im always a bit at odds with my in-laws too yet my bil is a moan arse and they love him!!

I think that’s a bizarre statement. I don’t think it ‘narrows it down’ at all! I’m in my 50s, I’ve lived in several countries, so have friends scattered all over, and in my experience I’m not sure I’ve ever had a conversation about clothes or looks, and ‘gossip’ might mean an occasional reference to Famous Author X being a horrible colleague, or whether anyone has encountered Y’s horsey new girlfriend .

You’ve either been very unlucky in the people you’ve encountered, or you’re seeking them out.

Maybe you haven't found people with similar interests yet @PurpleGoldfish . We are all so different.

This is me too. I had a group of mum friends but slowly over time they have dwindled away. Probably my fault as I find socialising exhausting and uncomfortable.

I would rather have a dance than a chat, or the cinema, I am shy around everyone except my own family

I think you just have to embrace your interests and find people through hobbies - that way you are doing it anyway and if you make a new friend great.

In terms of close friends, it is nice to have comrades, my closest friends are definitely neurodivergent (diagnosed or not) - apart from school how I met them was from joining an activity that takes place over time so you get to know each other, have shared experience and have shared history- so I'd recommend things like a social holiday with other people, or doing a course, or doing some voluntary work.

I've always fet like an outsider. I'm not comfortable in social situations. I cope with them, but I'm constantly thinking to myself 'How much longer?'. When I was a child I thought things would change when I'm a grown up and everything will slot into place, but it never has, so I just accept that is how it is for me. I think my issue is lack of confidence. I've lived a varied life, in different countries, experienced being friends with different types of people,
courses, classes, etc, but nothing really changes and I've come to accept this is who I am.

I get that - I was thinking more of the poster who said she forced herself to go to social events to avoid becoming isolated, even though isolation does seem more comfortable for many who feel drained by the presence of other people.

I suppose maybe I was wondering how the feeling of isolation differs from solitude, and where the tipping point is from one to another.