Being called darling/aw bless by nursing staff

[KatyKopykat]

I do a cleaning job once a week for a neighbour who's been in hospital, she's coming up 67. She's been telling me that the nurses and hospitality staff all call patients darling incessantly. They all do it and she thought it's part of their training. I'd hope not! Another thing they keep saying is bless/aw bless.

AIBU to say this is not professional? I'm not in my sixties but I'd stop it immediately if anyone said it to me.

That wouldn't be but they'd probably think my cheers bab to the driver is offensive 🤭

I think I would find it comfortingly warm and affectionate (I'm from the midlands, now living in the north). But I haven't been in the patient position.

Yes, I've been thinking this too. I know exactly what you mean by those people who keep dropping your name into the conversation. I think about 15 or 20 years ago there was one of those "How to win people over" self-help type books doing the rounds that suggested peppering the conversation with the other person's name was a sure-fire way to have them flattered and eating out of your hand.

I find it grating; I feel like charging rent or royalties every time they use it. But I do try to remind myself they probably think it's polite and I take it in the spirit in which it is intended. Certainly nothing to get wound up about.

I intensely dislike this use of 'darling'. But 'aw, bless' is far worse.

'Aw, bless' is definitely patronising and belittling. Do they also give people pats on the head? It's what people say when they not only haven't been listening, but have decided the person isn't worth listening to or properly engaging with.

It's an indiciation of entirely the wrong attitude when dealing with patients (or care home residents) who if they are speaking to staff are likely to be saying something important. They deserve the respect of being listened to, and a useful response.

Not up north then?
Everyone is 'love' up here- age/sex - no matter.
Same in healthcare settings.

100 per cent

I'm from up north (though now in the south) too. And I love the warmth up there and being called love by many strangers.

But what OP is talking about is very different, and I wasn't really aware of it until I saw it happening to my mum and aunt.

This isn't about walking around a market and being called love by all the stallholders etc. It's about the tone, and trust me, I saw it happen constantly to my family members, and it made me dread getting old and disabled.

Interestingly, the family member who wasn't patronised, was the one in a care home in Yorkshire. The warmth was absolutely theyre, but they didn't use those words to treat her like a child.

I get the impression that many posters who think it's just 'being kind' will feel differently should they end up needing care in their 80s.

I'm a professional carer and I often say 'love' or 'lovey', though I am from the north! I probably don't do it with everyone but it just slips out! Am I a terrible unprofessional patroniser? I hope not love!

No love you're not lol.
PS- my patients call me love/sweetheart ... sometimes theyre younger than me too.
Am I offended?
Am I chuff. Much better than cold/impersonal or being actually insulted or spoken to like shit.

I totally agree with you. My dad is 90 years old and sharp as a whistle. He only stopped working as a doctor when he was 75. Recently we went to see the dermatologist and somebody called him dear or something like that and it sounded so wrong and so odd and I could feel his humiliation. As someone is already said, we are trying to not to use these patronising terms. If you really can’t remember anyone’s name call the madam

It's possible to not be cold or impersonal, insult anyone or treat them as you suggest whilst also not calling them pet names you know!

I hate madam 🤷‍♀️

I love being called these names as no one ever says them to me.

Exactly. It's just a discussion.

I agree. But we really don't need to use a name all the time. Just the general tone you talk to someone can convey care and respect

Yep

Not in Yorkshire its not....

@paganpentacle, I'm married to a Yorkshire man. He doesn't go in for it and neither did his parents.

I really wouldn’t be bothered by this.

Am I being looked after? Helped, when I am unable to do so myself?

Okie doke.

Of course it is

I'm now over 60 and have become more aware of the subtleties of this. Northern/Midlands "love" or London "darlin'" (etc) fine, it is a natural part of speech used for everyone. Using such things reassuringly to someone in distress, also fine.

People however know when they're being patronised and I don't think it's OK to call those decades older than you by these "endearments" when you wouldn't automatically do it to someone of your own age, especially accompanied by the wretched "Aw bless".

At work (local government) I would never refer to a client who was significantly older by anything other than Mr/Mrs/Miss Surname, unless specifically invited to use their first names. It is respectful and professional and noone ever complained. Some of the "aw bless" brigade however did get complaints.

I suppose the generations who expected or grew up with more formality are dying out. My (Victorian born) grandmother referred to her husband as "Mr X" to anyone outside the family/close friends. That would be most unusual now, so in 50 years probably everyone without exception with be "Aw blessing" absolutely everyone else, to their hearts content.

Pretty sure it’s because they can’t remember your name because they have so many patients to deal with

It's not. Names are by the side wall with preferences, ie Pamela Jones known as Pam. They use darling and sweety alongside the name rather than instead of.

Oh well then, it can only be some foul-natured desire to make the patient feel like utter crap when at their lowest, dressed up in a performative sugary front.🙄

Honestly, how desperate to be unkind do you you think people are?

They are just trying to show warmth.

So what if they don't know the name. What's wrong with good morning that means it has to be good morning darling? You sre not their darling, you know it and they know it, it's just meaningless.