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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I mention no gift?

174 replies

Candleinalantern · 04/10/2025 13:50

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years and recently got married (second marriage) just a casual wedding, registry office and then back to a local bar to celebrate, we kept numbers small and only invited people who we see or are close to. On my side i invited my immediate family and 2 aunties, an uncle and a cousin and some close friends.

the next day we opened all our cards and gifts and lots of people were very generous and we have sent thank you’s to all those that came and gave gifts/money.

my dilemma is that my uncle, auntie and cousin all just gave a card which I thought was unusual. I know I am most likely coming off here as entitled and I know I am probably judging by my own standards but I would never have attended a close family members wedding and not gave a gift, even a token bottle of prosecco. On the other hand I’m wondering if they have gave something and it’s been misplaced and that I haven’t said thanks for something they have gave as I haven’t received it?

would I be unreasonable to say something? Does anyone have any advice or should I just leave it?

OP posts:
TerrorAustralis · 05/10/2025 14:33

I wouldn’t say anything. For our first (only) wedding some people didn’t give anything. We noticed, but didn’t say anything. What’s the point?

ridl14 · 05/10/2025 14:35

I agree OP insofar as I would never go to a wedding without a card and some kind of gift, I do think it's quite rude. It's true that guests are gracing you with their presence, often out of pocket to get to the wedding, but I'd always try and bring something even if it's small. I also send a gift if I've been invited to a wedding I can't make it to.

That said, I voted YABU because as you've said, you absolutely cannot bring it up. And it is possible that guests thought they shouldn't gift for a second wedding.

We also didn't have a registry when we got married as it felt grabby. Possibly confusing for some people. For cultural reasons, quite a few guests gifted money, others chose gifts, some didn't gift anything but we'd given no guidance. We also planned it locally - well in London, it was local to many and the easier option for international guests. At a recent wedding elsewhere in the UK, the couple asked for no gifts. Guests all had had to book multiple nights' accommodation in a touristy and expensive part of the country so it seemed tasteful they said that. I got them a card made from tomato seeds that they could plant, as they're into cooking and nature.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:35

Bigtreeesss · 04/10/2025 13:54

Did they give you a gift for your first wedding?

I never understand why people want a gift for getting married 🤣

Me to my counsellor:
"Why do we dress marriage up in lace and ribbons, literally, when marriage is such a disappointment, fails so often, and is generally so awful?"

Counsellor:
"That's why we give gifts."

😂😂😂

Thortour · 05/10/2025 14:35

I had no gifts at my wedding. It always seems so tacky to expect gifts.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:36

Winterscomingbrrr · 04/10/2025 13:52

Were you providing food/drinks? Covering the cost of your plate seems to be increasingly a thing in the UK.

That's such a vulgar idea. When I got married, it would never in a million years have occurred to me to equate the cost of their attendance with their gift. We invited them because we wanted to, and expected nothing.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:41

I can't imagine attending a wedding and not buying the couple a gift. I even buy gifts for couples whose weddings I don't attend but have been invited to!

I think it's a nice thing to do, buy them a gift to celebrate the end of peace their old life and send them off into a journey through hell marital bliss.

Thulpelly · 05/10/2025 14:44

No. Say thank you for coming and the lovely card

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:45

FWIW, we used our wedding gifts for years, and after Darling Freddie decided he was too special to be limited by marriage anymore, I continued to use them, and use them to this day, almost 20 years later.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/10/2025 14:45

The best polite way to deal with this is to send them a quick thank you postcard, thanking them for coming and making your day so special and thanking them for their lovely card. If they’ve sent a gift and it’s not mentioned they’ll be in touch right away wondering where it disappeared to.

Jan24680 · 05/10/2025 14:49

Gift for a 2nd wedding? That's like a 2nd baby shower. It'd be a nope from me. That said they are close. Say thanks for coming and the card. Chances are if you have lost a gift they'll mention it.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:49

DrowningInSyrup · 04/10/2025 15:04

What do you do with all these gifts though. If you invite 100 people to your wedding, you end up with at least 50 gifts. I imagine 45 of them you don't really want. I'd prefer some money or nothing.

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Wedding registry solves that problem.

TheCaribbeanIsCallingMe · 05/10/2025 14:50

My worry would be that they gave money in the card and someone stole it!

usedtobeaylis · 05/10/2025 14:52

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:36

That's such a vulgar idea. When I got married, it would never in a million years have occurred to me to equate the cost of their attendance with their gift. We invited them because we wanted to, and expected nothing.

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But when you're the one attending you are conscious that someone else is paying for your food and that it's polite to bring something.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:52

GloryFades · 04/10/2025 15:43

That’s exactly what it means, and I’m not sure how it’s tactless when I am the one giving the gift… I don’t write in the card that the cash is to cover my meal…

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But how do you know how much to give, if you're doing the covering-my-plate thing? Do you ring the hotel and find out how much they charge for a wedding meal, room hire, and drinks, and divide that by how many guests??

MyElatedUmberFinch · 05/10/2025 14:52

GloryFades · 04/10/2025 14:11

Isn’t it? It’s the benchmark I have for pretty much every wedding gift.

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How do you know how much it costs per guest?. Do you look at the hotel menu, divide the table and chair decorations by 50 or whatever, guess what wine and there will be etc?

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:54

usedtobeaylis · 05/10/2025 14:52

But when you're the one attending you are conscious that someone else is paying for your food and that it's polite to bring something.

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Of course. The plate thing is awful, though. People should give what they can afford and what they want to.

On our registry, we had things as inexpensive as 5 pounds.

DappledThings · 05/10/2025 15:02

usedtobeaylis · 05/10/2025 14:52

But when you're the one attending you are conscious that someone else is paying for your food and that it's polite to bring something.

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I'm not. I'm conscious that it is customary to bring a gift to a celebration and I happy to do so. I don't think at all about what the event might be costing the hosts and what they have chosen to spend on it and on me. As a guest I think it's rude to be thinking at all about other people's finances and chosen outgoings.

ChangingWeight · 05/10/2025 15:05

Candleinalantern · 05/10/2025 09:20

Sorry I’m not saying I expect gifts, more that we usually buy each other gifts for birthdays etc and are quite close so thought it was unusual and the possibility of it going missing had crossed my mind. I didn’t want to ask outright as I know how it would come across so just after some perspective. Saying thanks for the card and attending is a good way to go. I did mention to my dad who said he thought it was unusual which is probably what made me think more about it but he is not likely to say anything.

that said I must be different to a lot of the people responding as even if a gift is not expected I’m not that person who would attend someone’s event without bringing a gift of some sort, whether it’s the first, second or fifth marriage, wedding anniversary etc, if I was close to that person I would still take a gift as I would want to and it’s a nice thing to do.

Yeah but logically 2nd weddings are less important than the 1st wedding for guests. So normal conventions may not apply.

MsClancy · 05/10/2025 15:09

ChangingWeight · 05/10/2025 15:05

Yeah but logically 2nd weddings are less important than the 1st wedding for guests. So normal conventions may not apply.

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Why would wedding guests rate the importance of a 2nd wedding as less important?

ChangingWeight · 05/10/2025 15:10

MsClancy · 05/10/2025 15:09

Why would wedding guests rate the importance of a 2nd wedding as less important?

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Do you lack common sense? The norm
is for people to get married once.

Grammarnut · 05/10/2025 15:11

Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2025 13:57

If you’re worried the gift may have been misplaced, could you ask another family member who attended to ‘casually’ ask what gift (if any) they got you?

No! Do not do this. So grabby. Thank them for the lovely card and for helping you celebrate your wedding. If they may ask whether you liked the toaster or whatever - then you can ask around. It's not obligatory to give a gift at a wedding.

Delatron · 05/10/2025 15:13

I wouldn’t expect any gifts. Especially for a wedding reception that was held in a bar - did you put any money behind the bar or put food on? I think if it’s just people buying their own drinks in a bar then their presence is enough.

Just write a note thanking them for coming along and spending the day with you.

Winterscomingbrrr · 05/10/2025 15:14

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 14:36

That's such a vulgar idea. When I got married, it would never in a million years have occurred to me to equate the cost of their attendance with their gift. We invited them because we wanted to, and expected nothing.

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I think the idea is not to be expected by the host but a rule of thumb for the guest.

MsClancy · 05/10/2025 15:15

This reply has been deleted

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Silvertulips · 05/10/2025 15:23

Like PP i’d send the thank you for attending, hoped they had a great time and thanks for the card.

They could’ve left it in the car or forgot to add cash - easily done!

Did they buy the cake or add to the day in another way?