Do I mention no gift?

[Candleinalantern]

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years and recently got married (second marriage) just a casual wedding, registry office and then back to a local bar to celebrate, we kept numbers small and only invited people who we see or are close to. On my side i invited my immediate family and 2 aunties, an uncle and a cousin and some close friends.

the next day we opened all our cards and gifts and lots of people were very generous and we have sent thank you’s to all those that came and gave gifts/money.

my dilemma is that my uncle, auntie and cousin all just gave a card which I thought was unusual. I know I am most likely coming off here as entitled and I know I am probably judging by my own standards but I would never have attended a close family members wedding and not gave a gift, even a token bottle of prosecco. On the other hand I’m wondering if they have gave something and it’s been misplaced and that I haven’t said thanks for something they have gave as I haven’t received it?

would I be unreasonable to say something? Does anyone have any advice or should I just leave it?

At my brother in law's wedding, the staff stole money out of the cards and sealed them back up. There were cards that would have had £200 in them and had they not said anything they would never have known and assumed they had given nothing.

would I be unreasonable to say something?

Yes. Unless you would be happy being known as "cousin CF" for the rest of your days, then crack on.

Actually, if you are genuinely worried about it, it could work, if you have a family member happy to undertake this, and if they feel they could carry it off.

They would need to make sure it didn't come across as rude or judgemental - maybe say something like "it's difficult to know what to give for a second wedding as the couple have everything, and I never know whether it is expected or not. Did you get them anything, or did you just give a card? I wasn't sure which to do "

Something like that......

If I understand correctly, you don't want to demand why they haven't given a gift, but are worried they gave one and it got lost. This is a possibility. However, as others have said you just cannot ask them about it I don't think without risking causing an issue.

I would send a card thanking them for their attendance. Then if they did send a gift, they may get in touch to check you got it as it is not mentioned in the card. They may well not have sent one. Some people didn't for ours and I thought very little of it.

Exactly!

You're not paying for anything. It's a wedding, what you give is a gift!

I agree with pp. Don't say anything, just leave it.

Of course you don't mention it! It would be like saying "where's my present?" 😬

Don’t say anything. I had a big black tie wedding (my only wedding) in London (paid for by my DH), and a couple of relatives didn’t give me a gift - and I know they aren’t short of money. One woman who is very wealthy gave me the wooden salad serving bowl (about £20) and not the matching bowls which I did think was a bit tight. None of them had to travel to get there. Of course I never said a thing (but did judge them)!

You’ll make them feel very embarrassed if you ask them and they have to say no! Why would you bother?!

Could you send a thank you card for their card?

That might tease out whether a gift has been misplaced.

But in reality, I would let this go. If there is just a card, there is unlikely to be a gift. Especially if it’s from a culture where people give cash gifts rather than boxed gifts.

I hope you are not in Ireland as it is practically a criminal offence here to turn up with just a card.

I am in the camp that wouldn't give a "wedding" gift for a second wedding, especially if I had given money or off the gift list for their first. It would be more like the sort of token gift of a bottle of nice wine. Please don't let the American thing of covering the share of your plate and the entertainment become the norm; we aren't buying tickets to a show!

What exactly would saying something achieve? They're not going to get you something now and if you speak to them like you think they've done something wrong, I doubt they'll get you anything at all, or want to see much of you, again.

Indeed, it's not a good route to go down.

This happened to DH and I. Someone sent a card who I just knew would not have attended a wedding without a gift. They're the kind of person who still brings flowers and chocolates if you invite them round for Sunday lunch.

We got round it with sending a few relatives a message saying "Tad awkward, but we've found a gift card from X place in amongst our card, but it doesn't say who it's from and I don't want anyone to be sat thinking we're rude for not sending them a thank you. Can I just ask whoever sent it to let us know please?"

The guest I knew would have sent a gift immediately replied "Not me pet, I sent the x gift in the red wrapping" which I was then able to ask the hotel to look for, and they did indeed find it.

A message saying thanks so much for celebrating with us and for the lovely card will give an opportunity to say if something went missing.

I have a relative who has just got married for the third time (in her 50's). We spent a lot on her first wedding, not so much on her second and nothing on her third which we had to travel to, pay for a hotel overnight and drinks at the wedding so all in all it cost a lot just to turn up

Send a thank you to them for attending and for the card. If they gave a gift or cash that has in some way been lost, then that should make them speak up. They may have just not given anything though as not everyone does and definitely not for a second marriage if they’ve given first time.

I wouldn't say anything, but not would I be thanking them for a card. I'd send a text saying thanks for coming, was lovely to see you.

Wow, that is disgusting behaviour. What happened when you realised?

They ended up having to fight for compensation with the venue - and ultimately ended up getting it - but it soured the whole experience for them. They obviously had to go and ask everybody how much they had given which is really embarrassing - but it had to be done. People don't give small amounts at weddings.

Id say though here - if its a small wedding it's much less likely - and also a second wedding people don't give as much...

Ok so I know how it sounds. I’m not demanding gifts but they were the only 3 who didn’t actually bring anything. I’m say I’m more surprised more than anything as I wouldn’t not give a gift if I attended someone’s wedding. We provided a buffet and put £500 behind the bar.

just for context we all buy for each other for birthdays so maybe that’s why I’m so surprised. We did get some lovely thoughtful gifts and some money which we used towards our honeymoon.

It's not compulsory to give a gift.

What are you going to say “why didn’t you get me a present?”

I’d have brought a gift. But asking them why they didn’t would be incredibly rude and entitled.