Do I mention no gift?

[Candleinalantern]

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years and recently got married (second marriage) just a casual wedding, registry office and then back to a local bar to celebrate, we kept numbers small and only invited people who we see or are close to. On my side i invited my immediate family and 2 aunties, an uncle and a cousin and some close friends.

the next day we opened all our cards and gifts and lots of people were very generous and we have sent thank you’s to all those that came and gave gifts/money.

my dilemma is that my uncle, auntie and cousin all just gave a card which I thought was unusual. I know I am most likely coming off here as entitled and I know I am probably judging by my own standards but I would never have attended a close family members wedding and not gave a gift, even a token bottle of prosecco. On the other hand I’m wondering if they have gave something and it’s been misplaced and that I haven’t said thanks for something they have gave as I haven’t received it?

would I be unreasonable to say something? Does anyone have any advice or should I just leave it?

I just think it’s not really a gift if I don’t cover my own cost at the wedding. There’s no other scenario that I’d expect someone to pay for my expensive meal and I don’t really get why it’s expected at weddings
I think entirely the opposite. It's not a gift if you are calculating the value of it proportionate to what you have received in return. Trying to work out what has been spent on you is extremely crass as a starting point.

You have been invited. That means someone wants to pay for you as their guest. Same as if they invited you to a big birthday party and put on a buffet or any kind of catering. It isn't exclusive to weddings.

I would absolutely hate it if someone coming to my wedding tried to work out how much we had spent on it and what their share was that they were expected to reimburse. That isn't even slightly in the spirit of inviting people.

I totally understand your perspective.

When it's a second wedding it may also be the first wedding for one out of the couple so it wouldn't matter to me. If I was invited to a wedding/party I would always take a gift. Every time. Even just a small token of appreciation. From what you have said this sounds out of character. Good luck!

Kudos to you OP for having personally thanked people. It seems to be a dying art!

Both my dd1 and dd2 didn't expect gifts for their weddings. Dd2 specifically said so but suggested giving to one of the charities they support and dd1 had a wedding list but said it was optional (actually timed out due to covid). I didn't buy them anything as we're on benefits and the cost of clothes, shoes and petrol to the venue (dd2's was a few hours away) was a lot. I did get them a lovely house warming present when they moved into their first home.

sorry, you’re giving a gift of £200 for attending a friends wedding?!?!

sorry, you’re giving a gift of £200 for attending a friends wedding?!?!

If it’s any consolation my Mother in law didn’t get us a gift ….

from the point of view of checking nothing’s been mislaid, you could say thank you for coming and the lovely card.

The family will soon start talking I’m sure if you haven’t said thank you for a gift

Perhaps they assumed you had everything already. I wouldn’t excoect gifts

Did you give them back the gift from the first wedding? I'm going to assume not.

I'm not saying you should at all but you've not said how old you are, how long ago the other wedding is.
If they were generous the first time round they might feel they've met this quota. It's also possible they forgot to bring it or intended to gift cash and didn't have any to put in the card and haven't got around to following up yet.

Certainly wouldn't ask! How entitled. You don't throw a wedding for gifts. It sounds like it was just a buffet with a bit behind the bar and not a full out big day so they maybe thought you were going small and gifts weren't needed.
Can't believe you'd post about asking them 😅🙈 I saw this via fb so it's possible they will too!

This makes me cringe so hard

When I got married I was the host. I was grateful people gave their time and love and affection to spend the day with us

I honestly cant imagine caring about this. Are you penniless and 'need' a gift of something. Just enjoy your marriage !

It is a bit surprising but no, I definitely wouldn’t say anything. I would send them a thank you note for attending and the card though. Part of me wonders whether they had clubbed together for something and something has gone wrong.

My husband’s sister & husband didn’t buy us a gift for our wedding (two decades ago). We also had a small wedding which was expensive per head as at a fairly high end hotel and free bar. They were easily the wealthiest people there. DH bought them a present when they got married a few years before. I now know that she is incredibly tight and quite spiteful, so fits with the general MO. Given some of the gifts she has given our children over the years (many second hand, some broken) I am quite pleased about the lack of wedding gift! I really couldn’t care about no gift but the message it sent was quite clear in this case. MIL knew they hadn’t given a gift, I presume because SIL told her. That I find odd.

One of my friends had a big full on very expensive wedding for 150. She commented that the only person who didn’t give a gift was also the wealthiest as far as they knew.

YABU. Weddings cost a lot of money to attend. You don't HAVE TO have a big expensive wedding. You are choosing to do that, and shouldn't expect to be able to recoup the cost with gifts.

Couples who get married are so cheeky. Please pay lots of money to attend our wedding, stay over, buy new clothes.. AND ALSO give us a gift.

Nooope.

EDIT: In fact, I'd go as far as to say people who get married should give each guest a gift to make up for the trauma of Other People's Weddings.

Interesting point.

In my view a dinner party suggests you should maybe bring a bottle of wine (if you're planning having a glass) or a bottle plus whatever your drinking (if you want two bottles to yourself or want a particular kind of beer)

Maybe flowers or something else small if it's a bigger posher dinner party.

But a wedding... no! You don't buy the hosts a gift for hosting, you buy the couple a gift for getting married (or you give cash or nothing if that was the request)

When we got married (second for both of us) we said we just wanted people's company as attending a wedding is so expensive. And we were given lots of wine, champagne, drinking glasses etc - almost as if they knew us - as well as some unexpected cash which we used to buy art from a local artist. All very welcome but not expected at all.

Traditionally gifts were to help young couples set up a home and I assume the tradition of not gifting for second marriages was because the home has already been set up.

You want to call up family and tell them they got you no gift? Ouch

Same happened at my wedding small wedding lovely gifts from everyone . Except nothing from my mom phoned venue panicked I’d left it by mistake. No just turned out she never gave me a gift and give me a card a day later with £50 in it from her, her partner and my brother 😂.

I think it is bad form but we had a couple of guests give no gift and ours was a big 1st wedding, all food and drinks covered by us. You never know circumstances, maybe their short on cash at the moment, maybe they forgot and will send something later, maybe they have a view on 2nd marriages or smaller marriages. Is it rude, yes, I wouldn't say anything, there's no way of saying it without you being the one who looks rude. Let it go and enjoy the fact they came and celebrated with you, and you had a fab time.

But why? If someone is getting married for the 2nd time why do you have to give them something again. Sorry op but you hardly pushed the boat out yourself with £500 behind the bar and a buffet. You're clearly trying to keep costs down yourself so maybe cut them some slack. Where as I also understand its polite to give a gift to someone having a party, and your enjoying the food and drink thats being given ultimately its also a 2nd wedding for you if I understood correctly so maybe lower your expectations.

I agree.
Do not say anything. Please.
They might send you something in due course.

Do you know anyone who could say to a wide group 'I am helping with the thank yous and some cards were detached from gifts so please could you private message to tell me what you sent them so I can ensure it is appreciated and acknowledged".

Did you receive a gift at your first wedding, OP? if you did, I really wouldn't mention anything.

I would also be worried that they had brought something and it was misplaced and I didn't thank them. I don't think I could ask outright for the reasons being pointed out - it sounds a bit off. Might just need to not mention anything and move on (send a card thanking for attending).

Honestly, just leave it alone.

These days most couples already have what they need second time around. They often nominate a charity to which people can donate if they want rather than accept a gift themselves.

Exactly...

Try coming from a culture where you're expected to pin money at someone's wedding because they are expecting a house deposit out of it whilst they spend thousands of their own cash on cars and designer bags.

Send them a thank you note for coming to the wedding and for their thoughtful card.