Do I mention no gift?

[Candleinalantern]

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years and recently got married (second marriage) just a casual wedding, registry office and then back to a local bar to celebrate, we kept numbers small and only invited people who we see or are close to. On my side i invited my immediate family and 2 aunties, an uncle and a cousin and some close friends.

the next day we opened all our cards and gifts and lots of people were very generous and we have sent thank you’s to all those that came and gave gifts/money.

my dilemma is that my uncle, auntie and cousin all just gave a card which I thought was unusual. I know I am most likely coming off here as entitled and I know I am probably judging by my own standards but I would never have attended a close family members wedding and not gave a gift, even a token bottle of prosecco. On the other hand I’m wondering if they have gave something and it’s been misplaced and that I haven’t said thanks for something they have gave as I haven’t received it?

would I be unreasonable to say something? Does anyone have any advice or should I just leave it?

So appalling and rude and vulgar.

I’ve always thought this is awful, as well as making absolutely no fucking sense.

You have two close friends, one has a super expensive wedding, the other a more budget one - do you honestly give less to the friend who has a cheaper wedding, but more to the expensive wedding friend so that you make sure you cover the cost?

Also, how do you know the cost, particularly in advance? Are we googling wedding venues to try and find out?

If I invite people to a party, I do not expect them to give me something to the value of what I’ve spent on them attending.

I wouldn’t dream of going to a wedding and not giving a present. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it’s about the gesture of goodwill and so on. Also it’s irrelevant whether the wedding is a big fancy affair or a small party in a pub - just give something.
But I wouldn’t say anything to the uncle & aunt, it would just cause bad feeling.

We don’t receive a present from my aunt, I would never have queried it. She got the cheque book out to write Christmas cheques and found the not small cheque that was our wedding gift. She was so embarrassed.

dont make a drama when there doesn’t need to be one.

I don't buy gifts for second, third or in one case a fifth wedding.

We did have someone who messaged about a gift but they had bought something and the email had gone to the junk folder so we hadn’t realised so also conscious of this.

YABU and grabby. Gifts are not expected, particularly for a second or later life wedding!

It's tacky (in my opinion) because it means that you are giving more money/a more valuable gift to people who spend more on their wedding compared to those who spent less. I base my gift giving on my relationship to the couple getting married, not how much money they spent to entertain me.

Why on earth would you need to say something? What response do you want?

Exactly, what an awful.post. wanting to confront someone about no gift.
It's their presence you wanted op isn't it not their presents.

Giving gifts is an old custom dating from the days when people did not live together before marriage/setting up home. The idea was to help them to establish a home because they were coming straight from their parents house. Nowadays when most people live together first, often for an extended time, they will already have accrued most of) the things to equip a home. So a gift on marriage, especially a second marriage, is very much a formality. For this reason many people simply give a gift voucher, if they are going to give anything. If I were attending a small second wedding ceremony I would probably have sent an Amazon gift card with a £50 gift voucher. It would save the hassle of their having to exchange a gift they already had.

If you have very recently sent the thank you messages, I would send one that says "thank you for being part of our day etc." as suggested - mainly because I think it's nice to send that message anyway. But it also means that if by any chance a gift did go astray they are likely to tell you. If it's been a few weeks I would just let it go.

I never expected or longed after gifts for my second marriage. Didn't feel right.

So no, don't mention it, it would be rude.

We purposefully asked people not to bring gifts "just bring yourself" approach. It relieved us of the worry of faffing around with lists to avoid the 3 toasters problem. We genuinely did just want the simplicity of people coming along, eating the food we'd provided and enjoying the day, not worrying about peripheral stuff. But then again, I find asking for things excruciatingly embarrassing!

I didn't realise how transactional things have become nowadays, who knew! I've never even thought of putting money in a wedding card "to cover the cost of our plates".

How embarrassing to chase up gifts and money. A card is fine in its own.

If I thought a present might have got lost I would ask my sister or my mum or someone I trusted to ask in passing about it “I’m a bit worried my present to Xandle might have gone astray-I haven’t heard from her.Have you?” Or something. But only because at my brother’s wedding a couple of quite substantial cash presents did go astray and it all got horribly messy.

We recently had a big party for a significant anniversary (multiple double digits). Spent about 10k on free bar, entertainment, venue hire, food. Some friends and family bought gifts, some didn’t…thing is we chose to have the party because we wanted to celebrate with them, not because we wanted a bottle of prosecco. In fact a couple of families who don’t earn loads got us gifts and I actually wished they hadn’t as I didn’t want them to feel it was some sort of quid pro quo trade off (though it was a naturally lovely gesture). So no, please don’t say anything and potentially make them feel bad…

As you usually buy each other gifts, it is a bit unusual to only give a card. I would just thank them for the card and for sharing your day. If they’ve bought you something and it’s gone astray, they’ll mention it I’d have thought?

What age group are you? Unless young I would not expect a gift especially for a low key event. We even specified no gifts. Why as a grown adult do you expect one?

The way round this is - send a letter saying thanks so much for coming and celebrating our day with us. Thanks also for the thoughtful card with your warm sentiments.

if they gave a present that’s gone missing they will message you and tell you. If they didn’t get you a present they will just carry on.

Are they quite old fashioned? Perhaps they thought you didn’t need anything for a second marriage.

You thank them for attending and that their presence helped make it a wonderful day. Leave it at that. A thank you note that doesn't mention a gift would be enough to prompt me to say something if I had given something.

Personally I think expecting gifts for a second wedding is a bit grabby.

And good manners to not expect gifts and definitely good manners to not query where are my gifts !!!!
i feel embarrassed just thinking about OP asking where are her gifts !!!

Sorry I’m not saying I expect gifts, more that we usually buy each other gifts for birthdays etc and are quite close so thought it was unusual and the possibility of it going missing had crossed my mind. I didn’t want to ask outright as I know how it would come across so just after some perspective. Saying thanks for the card and attending is a good way to go. I did mention to my dad who said he thought it was unusual which is probably what made me think more about it but he is not likely to say anything.

that said I must be different to a lot of the people responding as even if a gift is not expected I’m not that person who would attend someone’s event without bringing a gift of some sort, whether it’s the first, second or fifth marriage, wedding anniversary etc, if I was close to that person I would still take a gift as I would want to and it’s a nice thing to do.

I explained that I usually determine it by number of people attending rather than actual cost of the wedding, because you often don’t know how expensive the wedding might be until you get there. But I would never pay less than what I would expect a three course meal to cost, and I would probably gift more if it was an open bar (because I would be spending less at the wedding). Id probably give less if I was just at the evening part of the wedding, but that’s probably equally as reflective of relationship (I’m not close enough they’d pay for my meal, so we’re probably not close enough I’d gift big - not a conscious tit for tat though).

I just think it’s not really a gift if I don’t cover my own cost at the wedding. There’s no other scenario that I’d expect someone to pay for my expensive meal and I don’t really get why it’s expected at weddings,