Do I mention no gift?

[Candleinalantern]

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years and recently got married (second marriage) just a casual wedding, registry office and then back to a local bar to celebrate, we kept numbers small and only invited people who we see or are close to. On my side i invited my immediate family and 2 aunties, an uncle and a cousin and some close friends.

the next day we opened all our cards and gifts and lots of people were very generous and we have sent thank you’s to all those that came and gave gifts/money.

my dilemma is that my uncle, auntie and cousin all just gave a card which I thought was unusual. I know I am most likely coming off here as entitled and I know I am probably judging by my own standards but I would never have attended a close family members wedding and not gave a gift, even a token bottle of prosecco. On the other hand I’m wondering if they have gave something and it’s been misplaced and that I haven’t said thanks for something they have gave as I haven’t received it?

would I be unreasonable to say something? Does anyone have any advice or should I just leave it?

As has been said @Candleinalantern did you pay for everything? Or did all of the attendees have to pay for their own meal at the pub?

More context needed.

What are they like gift wise otherwise? Do they send you something for Christmas/birthdays?

If not, it might well be that they consider that adults don't need presents. Second marriages are particularly tricky because the couple have everything they need generally, and if they aren't 'gifty' people generally, they might think they don't need to bring a gift to a second wedding.

I would have taken a gift but I also wouldn't expect anything, especially for a second marriage which was not celebrated in a particularly generous way however dated that may seem.

I would just send a thank you card for their attendance and not think of it again.

I generally give £50-£100 per person in attendance on the basis that I want to at least cover the cost of hosting me at their wedding. But I’m also not willing to spend more than £100 per person attending because that’s more than I would ever spend on a meal/day out anyway.

So it’s less that I tie the gift to the cost of the meal I suppose and more to the number of attendees (eg I’ll give more if it’s me and DH rather than just me going, and more again if it’s me, DH and the kids going)

I’ve got a similar dilemma - I had a birthday card & a text on the day from my DB & DSIL but no present. This was a fortnight after I’d sent DSIL a birthday present & a week after we’d been discussing what I was going to give their DD for her birthday.

I think the only realistic thing to do is to not mention it - ‘thank you for the lovely card’ is a good shout - and see if they say anything.

I wonder if your brother thinks gift buying is wife work and your sil thinks he should buy for his own family? Only saying this as that is the case with my own dbro

For an informal get together in the local bar after a second marriage on both sides, I don't think gifts are necessarily required or expected. Just as fancy wedding dresses and bridesmaids aren't.

A first wedding for both parties is usually a bigger event. Subsequent weddings are more toned down and laid back in my experience. Small gifts or none, as the couple tend to be well established.

It's not a value judgement, just like no one is saying your second child is unimportant compared to your firstborn child. But people only tend to send gifts to the first.

I disagree, @GloryFades - I give concordant with my relationship with them. £50 for a work colleague, £250 for a niece, that kind of thing.

I don't even know what "Covering the cost of your plate" means.

So I looked it up in Google and Google AI says "Covering your plate" refers to a outdated wedding etiquette rule suggesting guests should give a monetary gift equal to the cost of the reception meal per person. However, most etiquette experts and guests consider this rule tactless and unnecessary, as it pressures guests to prioritize the couple's expenses over their own finances. Instead, guests should give a gift they can comfortably afford, focusing on the love and support for the couple rather than the monetary value of their gift"

It's a horrible transactional way to look st both hosting and gift-giving. I hate the idea.

You say it was a registry office and back to a pub to celebrate. Did you pay for people’s food and drinks?

What do you do with all these gifts though. If you invite 100 people to your wedding, you end up with at least 50 gifts. I imagine 45 of them you don't really want. I'd prefer some money or nothing.

What on earth could you say that wouldn't sound monumentally rude and entitled?

'Thanks for coming to my lavish wedding and not supplying a gift. When can I expect to receive said gift please?'

Honestly some people!

In my culture we do give mostly money tbf, I much prefer it. We had 80 guests and maybe 5 physical presents. No one wants 80/40 random household items for sure.

Thank them for coming and for the card. Then if a gift has been mislaid they can let you know.

This.

I agree it's unusual but was it an actual wedding where you provided some sort of catering or was it just a drink at the pub and everyone covered there own?

Sure, by all means say something.

maybe along the lines of "where's my wedding present, it's really strange but I can't find it? Was it something nice? How much did you spend? What, you didn't buy me anything? Wow you're tight aren't you."

that should go down well.

I'm actually cringing 🤣😱😂 and weeping.

They don’t have form for that, & he wrote the card.

My best guess is that something was meant to be delivered & got lost. I’m seeing them in a couple of weeks (and will be taking my nephew’s birthday present) so maybe they’ll say something. I’m not grabby but it does seem a bit weird.

I’d rather give a more generous gift to a couple who can’t afford a big wedding.

That’s exactly what it means, and I’m not sure how it’s tactless when I am the one giving the gift… I don’t write in the card that the cash is to cover my meal…

What would you say?

We had parents of my DH friend come to our wedding, DH has always been really close to them, and they are lovely. We even paid for their hotel room at the venue, plus their son in law and daughter’s room, he was the best man. They didn’t give a gift or a card, and I feel convinced that something went wrong there as I can’t picture them not giving anything. However it’s not something under any scenario that I would mention- I just always felt awkward as I didn’t write our thanks to them afterwards, and if there was something they forgot to give- they may think we were rude for not thanking! That was many years ago now! But I don’t think you can ask anything.

Well, I've been using AI to assist me in job hunting and I can say that it is full of shit at times!

Of course you can't comment on it, it would seem appallingly rude.

The most you could do is ask other family members close to you, to whom these guests might have mentioned if they got you something, see if you can find out that way.

It seems unlikely any gift has been misplaced, if you haven't found any random gifts detatched from cards......

I agree most people give a gift for weddings, but I am sure I remember from my first wedding that a couple of people didn't. I was mildly surprised but obviously didn't challenge them over it.

Maybe some people don't give a gift for second marriages if they already gave one for the first?