AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

If your income is very low then she will get the full loan (which doesn’t mean her repayments will be larger), AND she might qualify for bursaries and scholarships from the University
But I would advise anyone going to University either to have a real passion for the subject or have a clear career goal at the end.

Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

@SassyBear2 You can see the specific on this - both overall and by institution, plus undergrad, postgrad etc filters - at https://www.hesa.ac.uk/data-and-analysis/students/table-57 .

You can’t live on the full loan alone. It’ll only just cover rent in lots of places.

This is good advice OP.

My understanding is that unless you literally lived in Oxford or Cambridge town (and probably not even then) your student would have to live in, as they are both college based unis. I’ve just dropped my daughter off to start at Cambridge and we live closer than you do to Oxford and there was never any suggestion that she might “commute” there.

It's up to him and he wants to move out. This is positive sbd oerfectky normal. My eldest went to uni in central Londin. We live in the suburbs, so not very far from Londin. She could have commuted, but she really wanted the full uni experience. It was costly abd she got a job in bar to supplement her invite, as well as receiving help from me and a family friend. Niw my youngest is doing something g similar. I would have them stay at home by choice, i an dreading the day my youngest starts uni, but this is not about me, it's about them. Our job is to let them go and manage our emotions as best we can. By the time they start I i whilst to us they are still children and they may well be vulnerable to a degree, in the eyes if the law they are adults and they have the same rights as you with regards where they live. If you are quibbling shoot the finances, well how do you think evetine feels? It's a worry fir all. It's simply selfish and unfair of you to hold him back in this way. Be brave and let him go. It's his life. I'm sure he will come back to you, but you are reply unfair in what you are asking if him.

Just let him choose and support his choice with enthusiasm

London is a bad idea if he wants to save money unless you live in London (not possible to get trains home out of London much after 11pm).

As other have said - full time Oxford undergraduates have to live within six miles of Carfax tower - at the bottom end of Cornmarket Street, during term time. Even postgraduate students have to live with 25 miles of it.

I went to Oxford. My back up choice was Reading which was commutable from where I then lived - that's now 25 or so years ago.

Don't pressure. Do talk through the finances. Oxford has some bursary funds in addition to standard student finance. He needs to look at the financial situation with the other unis.

Oxford doesn't allow students to work during term time (some occasional rare exceptions for the odd couple of hours but nothing like a standard part time student job). But has longer vacations.

If Cambridge offers the better course and he's been to open days at both Oxford and Cambridge then he may as well go for the course he really wants to do (understanding it'll be more difficult for you to come over for lunch / to watch a play etc).

Saying that I picked Oxford over Cambridge for being about an hour away from home. I only went home in term time overnight once in the three years.

Having a back up option with a lower UCAS tariff that's commutable from home is a good contingency plan at this stage (don't know the dates nowadays for when you have to accept offers). It's a different uni experience but has particular advantages if A levels don't go to plan eg. keeping any Saturday job while studying / less debt / local knowledge re finding other part time jobs.

Warwick was a really good place when I looked at it 25 years ago. I'd pick it over London.

For other keeping costs down strategies I'd look north for cheaper accommodation.

For commuting to uni, think about public transport/ car parking facilities/ taxis and also look at things like youth hostels / Travelodges etc - he will need either a way to get home late at night sometimes and for that to be ok with everyone else in the house and / or sufficient funds he can stay over somewhere local to uni after nights out. Obviously he can't drive drunk. An hour's commute each way is probably too much especially for subjects with lots of contact hours. Are there any suitable unis within about 30 mins commuting time?

If he's going to live with you and commute to uni there will probably have to be a lot of adjustments to how you interact day to day - you're not going to know where he is / what he's doing / when he might be back beyond whether or not you're cooking for him. He may want to bring casual partners home.

If he's motivated to study and actively wants to save money by living at home you'll be able to make it work. Otherwise providing the finances can be made to work he's going to be better going and living at uni.

For us. Dc just tubed to uni. So for us if was fine. I believe OP's DS has a longer journey awaiting him

You can’t graduate unless you have lived there for the full nine terms. So that is that. Having said that, I gather that living costs are relatively low at O and C owing to the provision of accommodation made possible by the extreme wealth of the Colleges. If you are very concerned about costs, avoid Durham which is horrendous for student accommodation.

You would be EXTREMELY unreasonable to pressure your DS in any way with regard to which university he goes to. A full university life is not conducive to living at home and he ought to be encouraged to spread his wings.

You could let him know how much you would be able to fund him while he is at university and let him do the sums as to where he could afford to go. He would need to know that anyway before deciding. Make sure he has all the information he needs, including the cost of travelling home for the holidays, or whatever they call them, if that is what he chooses to do. He may not.

💯 outrageously unreasonable. If you pressure him and it’s the wrong fit he will blame you.

Cambridge is widely regarded as the very best for engineering. It’s closely affiliated to many of the cutting edge companies on the science park. Anyone wanting a career in that industry would be mad not to go there if they had the opportunity.

Oxbridge don’t let you commute you have to live in halls so no idea why you are pushing commuting!!!!!
There accommodation is cheaper than most as it’s normally only 24 weeks a year, loads of bursaries available but neither are easy to get into, they are looking for perfect for students.

Your son is absolutely right and it sounds like your holding him back to be honest. This is about him, not you. Uni accommodation is absolutely part of uni life and a way to make lifelong friends, you learn important life skills and have an absolute blast. Why wouldn't you want that for him? If cost is an issue then maybe he can get a part-time job and there are grants available.

Wow. I think moving away from home is one of the most important bits. If our kids had wanted to stay local, we’d have been encouraging them to do the opposite.

I went to Exeter which was bloody miles away from my home. It was fantastic.

You need to top his loan up.

On £90k a year you can afford it. If you choose not to you are deliberately choosing to disadvantage him.

Commuting isn't the best option for most students (and I'm not sure if it's even possible for Oxbridge).

@AllTheChaos I agree with a PP that if your income is low, your DD can access the full loan. It’s true that in some cities that won’t or may not cover accommodation (looking at you Bristol with your £10k+ SC halls) but there are certainly unis where it will be enough – tight (as the loans have not kept pace with inflation, as already noted here) but doable.

Plenty of unis have shared-bathroom accomm at around £100-£150 pw for a 40-week year – which would leave between £6k and £4k from the full loan to fund food and fun. Not impossible.

A big debt to get a degree would be the story for most students anyway; and if she doesn't think the degree at the end is worth it then of course she doesn;t have to go. But it's not impossible.

You’re being ridiculous. I got a student loan to pay for essentials (halls etc) and a job which covered everything else. I lived in a high overdraft which took me ages to pay off when I got a real job. Every one of my friends was the same. Completely agree with him that living away is important

I don't think grants are available these days. As least not if you're super low income. How can a part time job help if the SFE doesn't even cover the rent?

I think the distance is a lot for a sensible commute. But I knew people who could commute from Kent to go to university in London. Don't think they should commute for Oxbridge

Going away for uni was the best experience I ever had. So much fun and such an awesome challenge to live away from home. I’d encourage my son and anyone else’s child
to experience it - he will have the best time!

They're on NINETY THOUSAND POUNDS a year.

My message was to @AllTheChaos who is concerned that their low income may mean their DD cannot go to uni at all. Not the OP whose HH income is £90k.

You are being totally unreasonable. Moving out and living in at uni is part of the experience of growing up and being independent. Let him make his own choices, you are undermining him. Back off.

OP please abandon this idea of your DS commuting, particularly if he gets into Oxbridge. As pp have said, it's NOT allowed. My DD, who's at Cambridge, had to get permission to come home for one night for an important family event (it was granted but it was made clear this should not happen again).

However, a few encouraging points:

1. Oxford and Cambridge have the lowest fees for accommodation, as you're only paying for term time (around 25 weeks a year) rather than all year. It's a bit of a faff moving out every eight weeks, but you can store most of your stuff at the college. 2). There's usually a range of accommodation, with the cheapest option being pretty nice. My DD went for the cheapest room at her college, and though she shares a bathroom and a kitchen with three other students, her room is big, there's a double bed, a desk and a lovely view.
   3). The universities and the individual colleges can be quite generous with bursaries. 4). If finances are an issue, this will affect the choice of college. Every individual college has a website, with clear pricing, so you can compare.

Good luck to your DS.