To think I maybe just have to lower my expectations and realise that DH will never change?

[confusedlots]

Numerous conversations about similar issues have been had over the past few years, but it’s clear DH never thinks he’s done anything wrong, and usually turns the conversation around to being about me nagging him, and we never get anywhere.

Dirty plates left on the worktop right on top of the dishwasher (why not just put them in the dishwasher?). On the odd occasion he might empty the dishwasher he leaves half of the clean plates on the worktop instead of putting them away in the cupboards which are right beside him.

Empty milk cartons left on the worktop instead of being rinsed out and put in the recycling bin.

He took DS out recently and they ended up getting soaked heading back to the car. They came home, DH got dried and changed and made himself a cup of tea and sat down. I was sorting laundry and just asked where DS was and he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

DH takes the kids to breakfast club 1 day a week (after I insisted on this) but this still involved me sorting out the uniforms, lunches, getting kids and myself ready etc. DH just got up and showered, had his breakfast and dropped the kids on his way to work. So I asked that on his one day, he sorted everything out for the kids too, like I do every other day. It was a disaster and the mornings were so stressful for everyone that I have had to intervene for everyone’s sanity.

The final straw was when I tried to calmly bring this up again recently and he actually told me that he didn’t think I did that much in the home, and I could tell that he actually really believes this. I do all the laundry (his included), the majority of the food shopping, a lot of the cooking (he does cook 2 or 3 nights a week due to our schedules to be fair to him), all the life admin, kids admin, sorting birthday parties/presents, booking clubs and lessons, etc, you know what it involves! So trying not to antagonise the situation I calmly said that if he felt I didn’t do very much around the home that he wouldn’t notice if I continued not to do it for the next month, and then he accused me of being petty and not trying to do the best for our family.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s the fact that he can’t see my point of view that upsets me the most, despite me trying to talk about things calmly and not be accusatory. He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

Help! I really think we should be able to make this work but I’m struggling to see how when he can’t see my point of view.

I have to disagree. I have adhd and am female and sound as annoying as her DH. I actually hate living with such a twat as me.

I read it outloud too. It’s in your husband’s benefit he reads the article. My husband even tried to get his brother-in-law to read it, when their marriage was in trouble. He wouldn’t and they’re divorced now.

My husband still doesn’t fully do these things.. but at least he gets the principles behind the very true article.

Thank you 🩷

For those asking why I married someone like this and expected him to change, it wasn’t like this at all before we were married. But then all we really had to take up our time was our jobs, the rest of our time was our own to spend time cooking together, cleaning up together, getting any jobs done around the house etc. He lived on his own for a number of years before meeting me and was perfectly capable of doing his washing, cooking etc.

But having kids changes things massively. Life is not our own any more, it’s busy, there’s much more stuff to do, kids clothes to wash and sort out the stuff that’s too small, clubs to take them to, music practice and homework’s to help them with, you all know what it’s like. Kids create mess and work but I don’t think he grasps just how much stuff needs done, and how important it therefore is to share the load. If it was only the 2 of us, I don’t think I’d be overly bothered about putting another dish in the dishwasher, but when that’s on top of all of the other stuff that needs done, you start to feel like someone’s maid.

And for those saying I need to step up because I have a day off most weeks, in reality I have 5 hours most weeks on my day off to myself. 5 hours to do food prep for the week, maybe do a food shop, clean the house, catch up with laundry, shop for things like birthday presents, things the kids need for a club etc, and god forbid I might occasionally take an hour to myself for some self care to meet up with a friend for a coffee or go for a run.

I feel I’ve tried so many things over the past couple of years but nothing has really changed. I’ve tried to leave things and see if he eventually does them (usually he doesn’t), I’ve stopped doing his laundry (he eventually did a wash, left it in the washing machine for a day and then I had to sort it out anyway when I wanted to use the machine), I’ve asked him to take responsibility for the kids one day a week (we have had different issues with this, kids going to school without a coat or lunch etc which is not fair on them). The house ends up being chaotic and not a nice environment for anyone and I can’t deal with it.

I really think we should be able to make this work, but it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall.

Just echoing what everyone else says, really.

He is a lazy arse.

Just do things to suit you and your kids. Either he is part of the family unit and pulling his weight, or he isn't.

Don't do his laundry for a start off. And if he leaves it in the washing machine again, then put it to one side in a laundry basket and ignore it.

Now would also be a good time to get your kids involved in laundry/cooking/dishwasher/sorting school bags etc. Be blunt, that mummy cannot do it all so they need to help you. Don't criticise DH though, that could bite you on the bum further down the line.

Oh I definitely get the kids involved in helping around the house. They set and clear the table, and help with basic food preparation, put their clean clothes away, match up the clean socks etc. I’m doing my very best to raise a son who understands the importance of pulling his weight around the house.

My husband has ADHD and we split parental leave 50/50, him taking the second 6 months. Yes his way if doing things is different but everything that needed to be done got done.

He would NEVER leave a 7 year old soaked wet while sorting himself out.

The fact OPs husband had a shower himself shows he fully understands, he just prioritised his own needs over his child's.

We did the same (6m each SPL) and if you’d RTFT you’d see I agreed with you that my ADHD husband wouldn’t dream of leaving a kid wet.

@EatSleepDreamRepeat

I was agreeing with you 🙂

Sorry, right you are. Had someone come at me earlier in the thread and jumped to it - apologies!

Exactly this.

Do not worry at all and have a lovely weekend. I'd rather you say than feel you were being got at. It's not easy to show intent online x 🥰

You too and sorry again!

MN gers feral. Don't apologise x

I’m always quite interested by posters who say things like ‘did you really marry him and expect him to change?’

I absolutely married my husband expecting him to change. I changed too. We aged, we learnt, we matured, we developed. We became more responsible. We became parents and dealt with the lifestyle changes that brings.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to change in line with their age and lifestyle. Don’t we all change? Isn’t it what we’re supposed to do? I never really understand that particular stick we use to beat women.

I hate that ‘dishes’ piece so much. Find it odd that it resonates with anyone.

You’re both human beings living a shared life and raising children together. He shouldn’t be surprised that doing an abject job of being a dad, applying about 5% of himself to something so important, is infuriating.

Yep, I’ve changed. I am so much more efficient and better at doing all the jobs and things that I never used to get around to, even though I have so much less time. I spend most of my life focussed on my children, why shouldn’t I expect the same change from my dh who also wanted children?

Please start by not washing his clothes for him ever again. He thinks you don't do much, so do less. Never buy things that only he needs - like shaving foam, razors etc. It shouldn't be a battle.

And FFS ADHD is not an excuse. It can be a reason, but never an excuse. If you have ADHD, you still have to try to be a responsible adult, even if it is extra hard! I struggled and failed for years and years to manage household tasks until I found Flylady and tried her techniques then simplified them for me. I've used them ever since.

I'm not saying that the whole issue here is ADHD - it sounds like there's some gender imbalance/male entitlement going on too but ADHD can be far more debilitating for some than it sounds like it has been for you. For some there are no techniques that help - it's not something that can always be overcome. Some people with ADHD can never hope to keep a house tidy, raise kids or hold down a full time job. There are severe cases as there are for any condition. When some people say they can't do something, they sometimes genuinely can't, or can't do it on any sort of sustainable basis.

That thread is full of appalling prejudice and misinformation, and also littered with people who have armchair diagnosed their husbands with autism/ ADHD when they are in fact just married to lazy, selfish arseholes.

Exactly this. When I met my DH (in my 20s) I used to go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night then stay in bed the next day until the early afternoon. If I still did that as a 40-something with two young children he would quite fairly be peeved - and I doubt anyone would ask him why on earth he married me and expected me to change.