To think I maybe just have to lower my expectations and realise that DH will never change?

[confusedlots]

Numerous conversations about similar issues have been had over the past few years, but it’s clear DH never thinks he’s done anything wrong, and usually turns the conversation around to being about me nagging him, and we never get anywhere.

Dirty plates left on the worktop right on top of the dishwasher (why not just put them in the dishwasher?). On the odd occasion he might empty the dishwasher he leaves half of the clean plates on the worktop instead of putting them away in the cupboards which are right beside him.

Empty milk cartons left on the worktop instead of being rinsed out and put in the recycling bin.

He took DS out recently and they ended up getting soaked heading back to the car. They came home, DH got dried and changed and made himself a cup of tea and sat down. I was sorting laundry and just asked where DS was and he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

DH takes the kids to breakfast club 1 day a week (after I insisted on this) but this still involved me sorting out the uniforms, lunches, getting kids and myself ready etc. DH just got up and showered, had his breakfast and dropped the kids on his way to work. So I asked that on his one day, he sorted everything out for the kids too, like I do every other day. It was a disaster and the mornings were so stressful for everyone that I have had to intervene for everyone’s sanity.

The final straw was when I tried to calmly bring this up again recently and he actually told me that he didn’t think I did that much in the home, and I could tell that he actually really believes this. I do all the laundry (his included), the majority of the food shopping, a lot of the cooking (he does cook 2 or 3 nights a week due to our schedules to be fair to him), all the life admin, kids admin, sorting birthday parties/presents, booking clubs and lessons, etc, you know what it involves! So trying not to antagonise the situation I calmly said that if he felt I didn’t do very much around the home that he wouldn’t notice if I continued not to do it for the next month, and then he accused me of being petty and not trying to do the best for our family.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s the fact that he can’t see my point of view that upsets me the most, despite me trying to talk about things calmly and not be accusatory. He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

Help! I really think we should be able to make this work but I’m struggling to see how when he can’t see my point of view.

He probably won’t change. You need to decide if you can live with it or if it upsets you enough to divorce him. If you don’t want to divorce you can take some measures.

Drop your work down to part time to allow for the extra work you do.
Get a cleaner.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop doing his family admin.
Do more stuff without him.

Why don’t you just get your husband to use the dishwasher properly rather than treat him like a child? Am I missing something.

To be honest, every time I read threads like this about useless men (and how women are frustrated but still put up with them), it makes me really how incredibly lucky I am. My father was never like this and he still isn’t. And he has ADHD (as do I). Even when I was a small child my father always did his equal share of household/parenting duties without any prompting. It was actually my father who taught me how to iron, and he’s an absolute demon with a hoover.

His current partner (my mum died many years ago) is useless/lazy round the house although at least she has the decency to admit it’s laziness/lack of interest and it’s an ongoing source of annoyance and frustration for my Dad (and me too).

So I grew up with my Dad as a role model of how equality should work at home. I guess he was a very modern Dad, still is. At 83, he still does all his own washing and ironing and washing up etc even though he has lived with his partner for 20+years. My (late) mother would never have put up with anything less. And as a result, neither will I. Because that’s the norm for me. I now realise just how lucky I am to have grown up with a Dad like this.

Have you considered couples therapy?

The one thing that always bothers me about that article is the pretence that he's put it in the dishwasher when he was done with it. We all know she was endlessly dealing with those glasses herself because he was never done with it.

He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

The major factor in this is his willingness to exploit a woman to do his shit-work.

STOP SAYING 'NAGGING" EVERYONE!

It's a misogynist word to describe the actions of a woman who is trying to get a man to do his fair share - that's all. If a man feels nagged, it means he's failed to step up to his role as partner.

Exactly. "I infantilise my husband, why doesn't everyone else just do the same"

Because we're sick of it Mary, we're sick of it.

please don’t put this on as the neurodiversity causing it!!! Your husband does this because he chooses too!!! He is a selfish self centred person who thinks only about himself and this is NOT because of ND!!!

I had this with my husband too, I didn’t notice at first as I ran a business from home so would just do bits through the day. It was when I returned to the office I really noticed and more so after having kids and yes I asked, left a note, reminded etc non of it worked and it always got turned back to me.
firstly I dropped my hours after having kids. Then I made a list of jobs I didn’t care about and asked him to be responsible for them. I was doing more but I felt the balance was closer.
Then I developed a chronic pain condition dh had to step up and yes the house looked a stated and stuff got dropped but he also had to deal with the aftermath and I realised this was the only way he would learn by letting him deal with it. So now I can do more but I make sure I only do what’s manageable for me and the rest I dont bother and dh has automatically picked up the slack. I don’t have to ask .
My advise would be pick the stuff that has to be done and make that your responsibility and drop the rest, if he wants it doing he can do it and let him fuck up and deal with the aftermath so next time he will remember.

Oh well... like others have said its no excuse anyway to blame adhd or autism.

Good luck with it all.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Definitely make him read it OP. Right now your husband doesn’t respect you or care about you. He’s using weaponised incompetence to manipulate you into doing everything. Your resentment of him will keep growing. Make him read it, it might just save your marriage.

No, he is an adult capable of being respectful.
You don't have to put up with it, relationships are about making life better for your partner, sharing the load.
I would carry the plate up and put it in his wardrobe.
DH kept walking up the stairs with work boots, he'd only be a minute, blah blah. After nagging for weeks, I took my dirty shoe and wiped it on his spotless car seat.
He takes his boots off now.

What happens if the kid doesn't change their clothes? Nothing.

What happens if the playe isn't put into the dishwasher immediately? Nothing.

The OP thinks the house and everyone in it revolvs around her and things should be done her way.

That is controlling and abusive.

If he can make himself a cup of tea, he can put dishes away. ‘Nough said.

Ummm... what?

Op please ignore this poster

I agree. My husband is ND and this post sounds just like him. A few years back I’d finally had enough and told him I was moving out, and I did. Within a couple of months the house was shining, he had a routine all sorted for what task needed done and in which room that day, and if anything he would get ratty if anyone interfered. I moved back in and over the years the old behaviour crept back in. But now I know he can do it! I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer a few months ago, and now depend on him to step up more than he ever has done.
OP I do sympathise with you. It’s very frustrating

Sos sorry to read your diagnosis, sending love and light

Why are you making excuses for a lazy man? The clothes will dry faster, oh please.

He sounds annoying but I think the fact the OP only works 3 days a week plus an extra day consulting is relevent. That’s a whole day left to do chores. That is a lot of extra hours. It obviously depends a bit on what hours people work and how the kids are etc but assuming there are no unusual circumstances then that’s a fair bit of time.

Having said that I would flip if my DH left dirty plates next to the dishwasher. That’s so obnoxious. My kids weren’t allowed to do that from very young. I’ve never done more for my DHs family than he’s done for mine. It’s never crossed my mind to buy cards or presents for them. They are his family not mine. We all get on brilliantly so it’s not done any harm.

This is the kind of thing lazy spouses say.

What happens if he just leaves them near the dishwasher for days or never puts things in the dishwasher. What then?

(I doubt he ever stacks the dishwasher.)

This is all great. But as you say your DH isn't a lazy twat. So apart from having a time machine and not having children with her DH, how is this meant to help the OP, or others on the thread like myself who's DHs aren't the same as yours.
Your response is like someone on a low wage posting about budgeting ideas and you saying "I made sure I went to uni and got a well paying career, and I have negotiated a pay rise every year".

So what happens the plate?

It won’t help you or OP who made bad choices. But there maybe a young woman in the early phase of her relationship / dating and provides good advice on how to avoid ending up where OP is.