To think I maybe just have to lower my expectations and realise that DH will never change?

[confusedlots]

Numerous conversations about similar issues have been had over the past few years, but it’s clear DH never thinks he’s done anything wrong, and usually turns the conversation around to being about me nagging him, and we never get anywhere.

Dirty plates left on the worktop right on top of the dishwasher (why not just put them in the dishwasher?). On the odd occasion he might empty the dishwasher he leaves half of the clean plates on the worktop instead of putting them away in the cupboards which are right beside him.

Empty milk cartons left on the worktop instead of being rinsed out and put in the recycling bin.

He took DS out recently and they ended up getting soaked heading back to the car. They came home, DH got dried and changed and made himself a cup of tea and sat down. I was sorting laundry and just asked where DS was and he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

DH takes the kids to breakfast club 1 day a week (after I insisted on this) but this still involved me sorting out the uniforms, lunches, getting kids and myself ready etc. DH just got up and showered, had his breakfast and dropped the kids on his way to work. So I asked that on his one day, he sorted everything out for the kids too, like I do every other day. It was a disaster and the mornings were so stressful for everyone that I have had to intervene for everyone’s sanity.

The final straw was when I tried to calmly bring this up again recently and he actually told me that he didn’t think I did that much in the home, and I could tell that he actually really believes this. I do all the laundry (his included), the majority of the food shopping, a lot of the cooking (he does cook 2 or 3 nights a week due to our schedules to be fair to him), all the life admin, kids admin, sorting birthday parties/presents, booking clubs and lessons, etc, you know what it involves! So trying not to antagonise the situation I calmly said that if he felt I didn’t do very much around the home that he wouldn’t notice if I continued not to do it for the next month, and then he accused me of being petty and not trying to do the best for our family.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s the fact that he can’t see my point of view that upsets me the most, despite me trying to talk about things calmly and not be accusatory. He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

Help! I really think we should be able to make this work but I’m struggling to see how when he can’t see my point of view.

I think these are the only answer.

Mad how many women put up with this and mother their partners.

However people are free to choose how to live their lives I guess.

I'm glad I don't have to pick up after my partner, do the pots, be the only one who cooked any resemblance of any healthy food and do all the shopping/ driving anymore ( they wouldn't learn to drive)
I wouldn't put myself in that position again either.

My partner wouldn't even walk to the shop for Milk.

Look up terms bangmaid and weaponised incompetence.

It'll blow your mind.

I am not saying put up with it at home, I am just trying to provide solutions/a plan which might work for the OP and bring about the changes the OP would like.
Some posters think it is a deal breaker and it is a case of breaking up the marriage. I think this is a bit of an extreme reaction but that is just my point of view, we are all different

Do nothing for one week.

I remain astonished at the number of women who didn't notice their husband was messy or selfish or expected them to do all the housework before marrying or having kids with him. I thought the long period of time while you date someone and before you marry them was meant to be spent observing what they were actually like rather than ignoring it.

Also absolutely flabbergasted that anyone would have willingly taken on the job of remembering their boyfriend's families' birthdays. Why???? It would never have crossed my mind.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

I actually have never heard that saying, but it just sums up so much a lot of ppl. 😊

This totally, it is all about compromise and what we are prepared to put up with.
My husband isn't great on the domestic front, I have to point out the obvious and ask him to do stuff and yes it is hard work and yes he can be a bit sulky at times but I just ignore it and crack on.

I had one of these, it's soul destroying. He didn't even actually deny that I did everything and he just made a mess, but he did feel that by complaining about it I was 'criticising' him and 'asking him to change who he was' which ended up in his mind justifying him having an affair and then leaving me for a (different) woman at work. I showed him that dishwasher article, not sure he read it. I promise you OP, it's not worth the fight. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't act like this. Cut your losses.

Sorry! Hadn’t realised it had already been posted.
Deffo print and hand it to him.

I'm sure he can see your point of view, OP, he just doesn't care about it. That's your problem. Up to you whether you want a future with someone who doesn't seem to respect you.

I strongly suspect my DH has ADHD (hes not open to the idea) I can imagine him doing all the things.
Once he took DS out to watch football, and they were out from about midday til 7 ish. he bought them each a baguette but DS didnt like his, so DH had both and didnt think of buying DS anything else!😱
He's also been out to collect DS from a sports lesson, and decided to get something for dinner at the supermarket next to the sports centre .... and then come back with shopping and not DS!

I have (diagnosed! adhd and lived a fairly messy life till i had kids. I am a single parent and managed to raise them in a tidy competent bills paid house because it mattered to me and that’s where I put my effort. You can weapons incompetrencd with ADHD too. (I think my cleaner is a goddess too - but still manage to clean my own kitchen).

Surely only stupid people do either?

Most personality traits are what they are and few people change. Messy stays messy. Selfish stays selfish.

Within that people also evolve as they get older.

It only takes a bit of observation to work out what's likely. And you're also free to actually talk about all of this stuff to your partner rather than seething for years.

(I tell DP to leave things next to the dishwasher because I have an "only I can do it right" approach to it as well.)

Some great advice here. You're certainly not the only one in this situation. I would say, though, that some people genuinely don't know what goes into running a household. I once had a partners Mum's apologies for how undomesticated he was because she knew it was her fault for not teaching him. It came to a head when I asked him to clean the bookshelves because I couldn't reach. He laughed, called me obsessive and said 'no one ever cleans bookshelves'. It had never occurred to him that the things that weren't covered in dust were like that because I'd been cleaning them. I did what other PPs suggested and stopped. He didn't notice. Nothing changed. It wasn't that he knew and took it for granted - he genuinely didn't notice the mould and dust developing. Then another choice comes - stay or go

Well you’re right about one thing. He won’t change. He knows what he’s doing.

I’d stop doing his laundry or doing anything for him really.
Don’t leave stuff out on the side on the hope he will eventually put them away because he never will

Also not caring about mess reminds me of myself as a child. I was utterly self centered as a teen always left my plates j. the sink unwashed, didn’t clean up after myself when I cooked or clean the bathroom. I left cups on my room. Totally self centered.
somehow this all miraculously stopped when I lived alone in my own home and had to be responsible for my own place and wanted it to looks nice.

I despair how often I read this exact post. Lazy shits.

Stop doing his laundry. It's only him who will suffer for it not being done when he attempts strategic incompetence.

I could not be married to a man like this. He's a twat

No you definitely do not need to lower your expectations. Your DH is a lazy, selfish man and he is making you feel undervalued and unappreciated. I couldn’t stay with a man who leaves a child wet whilst he sorts himself out, that is unbelievable. He will never change, and you can’t put up with this for the rest of your life. You know what you need to do. Any Solicitor dealing with a divorce in this situation would deem this as grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

A lot of adhd these days is an addiction to the Internet and phones, breaking down ability to concentrate.

Do you think he is just addicted to devices or really has adhd? Does he behave like this at work? If so, he wouldn't be employed for long.

Ergo weaponised incompetence.

Adhd seems to be the go to thing. As it is a buzz word, before this it was autism.

Strictly speaking you don’t always see dust - what you see if you clean is that you had dust. It takes a knack to guess that the matt finish is dust

and people need to understand why dust is bad and needs removing - it makes my allergies worse for example , or rather weaker - other people will despise you ( more likely other people will despise your wife ?)

clean and tidy is a weird thing when you think about it - what is the real point ? It’s no good saying “it upsets me to see it like this” because the counter is “it upsets me to have to faff around with it because it won’t last “

• your desire to be clean and tidy shouldn’t trump automatically his desires to just chill out

DH does clean - weekly - mostly because of my allergies I suspect and partly because I don’t have huge high standards so it’s not a lot of work - if dishes are out all day it doesn’t bother me because I don’t know what’s wrong with that - why they need to be done straight away -can’t leave them too long or they get harder to clean and you could get ill if you ate off a dirty plate so get done every day ( no dishwasher to hide things - why hide things ?)

if he doesn’t notice your life admin things being done - do they really need to happen ?

I am presenting this mostly to help you try and grasp the other view and perhaps consider how much you are doing because you want to rather than it truely being important

he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

This would have been the final straw for me. What an arsehole.

Ok, jumping in on the ND angle here. I have diagnosed ADHD (private and NHS thankyouverymuch) and manage to stay on top of all family life admin, get my children dressed and out to school, laundry, housework. It's hard on me but I can do. My husband is autistic and he also manages to do laundry, most of the cooking, shopping, he's better at staying on top of the housework. We divide and conquer. Yes, we getting snippy with each other because he leaves crumbs all over the worktop and struggles to concentrate on long conversations about mortgage rates and I leave plates on the dining table. And I have meltdowns sometimes when it all feels too much.

My point is, that ND is not a valid excuse for your husband's shocking behaviour. He sounds utterly selfish and self-absorbed. A partnership should be equitable. Where does he pull his weight when it comes to family life? Presumably he copies alright at work? Or does he accuse his boss of nagging him?

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results

Drop the rope. Be less available