To think I maybe just have to lower my expectations and realise that DH will never change?

[confusedlots]

Numerous conversations about similar issues have been had over the past few years, but it’s clear DH never thinks he’s done anything wrong, and usually turns the conversation around to being about me nagging him, and we never get anywhere.

Dirty plates left on the worktop right on top of the dishwasher (why not just put them in the dishwasher?). On the odd occasion he might empty the dishwasher he leaves half of the clean plates on the worktop instead of putting them away in the cupboards which are right beside him.

Empty milk cartons left on the worktop instead of being rinsed out and put in the recycling bin.

He took DS out recently and they ended up getting soaked heading back to the car. They came home, DH got dried and changed and made himself a cup of tea and sat down. I was sorting laundry and just asked where DS was and he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

DH takes the kids to breakfast club 1 day a week (after I insisted on this) but this still involved me sorting out the uniforms, lunches, getting kids and myself ready etc. DH just got up and showered, had his breakfast and dropped the kids on his way to work. So I asked that on his one day, he sorted everything out for the kids too, like I do every other day. It was a disaster and the mornings were so stressful for everyone that I have had to intervene for everyone’s sanity.

The final straw was when I tried to calmly bring this up again recently and he actually told me that he didn’t think I did that much in the home, and I could tell that he actually really believes this. I do all the laundry (his included), the majority of the food shopping, a lot of the cooking (he does cook 2 or 3 nights a week due to our schedules to be fair to him), all the life admin, kids admin, sorting birthday parties/presents, booking clubs and lessons, etc, you know what it involves! So trying not to antagonise the situation I calmly said that if he felt I didn’t do very much around the home that he wouldn’t notice if I continued not to do it for the next month, and then he accused me of being petty and not trying to do the best for our family.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s the fact that he can’t see my point of view that upsets me the most, despite me trying to talk about things calmly and not be accusatory. He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

Help! I really think we should be able to make this work but I’m struggling to see how when he can’t see my point of view.

The problem here is that you keep saving him. All you've taught him is that if he fucks up you will do it for him. Obviously he will not change because its working for him!

So stop. Let him sort the children out for school on his day and point any complaints to him. Dont let your children grow up thinking women are supposed to be skivvys for useless men.

Also, reject the sexist and outdated term "nagging" when it is thrown at you. Respond "there's nothing unreasonable about expecting an adult to do their fair share. If you dont want to hear it, pull your weight".

Oh this is totally eye opening and exactly explains my situation. I’m just not too sure how DH would take it if I asked him to read it!

Yes I work 3 days a week and also do some consultancy work which tends to take up around another 1 day a week on average.

I also cram most of the kids clubs and swimming/music lessons etc in to the day or days I don’t work as logistically that’s the only way I can manage it.

If you and DH aren’t spending at least an hour every month or so sitting down and portioning out all the chores and mental load then of course it’s going to be chaotic.

Parenting is a job share that needs proper organising so each person knows what the other is doing. Otherwise one parent defaults to doing everything (like you’re doing).

Sounds like he was useless from the start. Why did you marry him? Not being rude, but why get together with someone lazy and incompetent?

"He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this."
Neurodiversity is not an vaccine against being an arsehole. He can be neurodiverse AND an arsehole. It sounds to me as if it is his arsoleness that is the major factor.

I do. He’d either not read it at all, or completely refuse to believe he was in that situation.

Not speaking for OP but most of us who end up in this situation don’t know it’s going to happen.

my ex was capable, competent at most household chores, a great cook. Pre-kids there wasn’t much responsibility for either of us. Once kids arrived, and other life challenges, it became clear he only was able / prepared to do what he wanted, when he wanted to. And life with DC isn’t like that.

Just go on holiday to a lovely retreat for at least three weeks (or if you work, find somewhere to secretly stay locally) Go during term time and leave on a Friday with the weekend laundry popped just by the washing machine and some dishwasher tablets. Bonus points if there’s a kids birthday party one at least one of the weekends, or one of his relatives.

His appreciation might increase a bit on your return but from the sound of it, you probably have to choose between divorce and putting up with it.

I read the OP and though exactly of this article but @teawamutu has beaten me to sharing it.

No disrespect meant here but this approach is often suggested. It might work if it’s the case if a decent guy who’s a bit rubbish domestically. Men like OP’s H? Nope.
he’s been told. Not only is he refusing to change, he’s minimising OP’s level of work.

if she did this, she’d return to carnage. It would not be worth it. And anyway, why should she have to leave her home to teach this asshole a lesson?

Exactly this. And yet again we have women on this thread making excuses for their lazy useless husbands because they allegedly have ADHD and/or some form of ND. It makes me really angry. You’re doing a huge disservice to those of us who do actually have ADHD (and have a diagnosis to prove it) rather than a bad case of bone idleness and learned incompetence.

Your husband is lazy. It has sweet fa to do with being ND.

Have you tried being less controlling.

Dishes not put in the dishwasher . . 🙄

Rinsing milk cartons? . . WTF!

Why at 7 is your DS incapable of changing his own clothes?

You realise that in few years you'll have two men in your home who "won't listen to you" . . . you need to climb down from that high horse and chill out a little.

You'll give yourself a coronary if you keep this up.

Who cares how he takes it? Seriously.

You're already doing everything, don't add managing his fragile ego to your list.

It can't get any worse.

He's disrespectful and actively telling you he is more important. Its just sad that he doesn't care.

I have ADHD and I buy all the birthday presents, do the kid admin, laundry, shopping and most cooking etc. But then again, I'm a woman.

My husband is really good in general, far better at cleaning than I am (although I do my fair share, it's just that he actively enjoys it) and he's great at paperwork, which has been a lifelong battle for me. I've actually got a bit better at that too, because having a family has made me want to do better for us all.

My husband is always supportive and bigs me up when I think I'm crap at stuff but we also divide jobs according to preference/ability. I wouldn't just leave him to do everything. So yeah, it's not necessarily adhd or all adhd. Some of your husband's issue is being a selfish twat.

This sounds like my husband. Not the exact situation with cleaning (although he is guilty of similar) but organises nothing with/for the kids. Mine are getting bigger now and eldest can sort of manage himself but still needs help. DD still needs supervision with almost everything. He does nothing, organises nothing. Takes responsibility for nothing. Totally sick of him. I feel for you OP!

This is great. It’s so much energy & so constantly disappointing & draining. Like you say why try & make them when they don’t want to/ only want to when it’s organised by someone else for them to (& even then it’s not right blah blah blah).

Do you do those things? Why are your standards so low for someone else's son? Because if her son follows suit, he will end up alone because young women won't put up with useless men, hence the rise in incel vulture.

😂

Your definition of a "useless man" is based on rinsing milk cartons?

If the OP's 7 year old son is incapable of changing his own clothes, there's something wrong with him.

It's utterly toxic to label someone useless because they don't dispose of rubbish in the "correct" way, or leave a plate on the counter in their own house. The OP is abusive to her DH. If a man had written this about his wife the responses would be vary different.

A controlling and abusive person will.always find a way to blame others.

How do these men hold down jobs ??

It was an attempt at humour on my part. Of course he won’t change see second paragraph.

Weaponised incompetence is the only thing men are good at. They condition you to do the day in day out stuff then say we do fuck all.
Perhaps you need to catch COVID and isolate in bed for 5 days?

He reminds me of my DH who is (I think ) both autistic and ADHD. I’m not just diagnosing him from nothing as our child has both, and DH’s traits are worse. The wet clothes thing would be exactly the sort of thing he would do but his autism finds a way to argue that it’s all fine then we have a big argument about it. It drives me mad. I think the thoughts genuinely don’t enter his brain but it is sooo maddening.

FWIW, he is very intelligent, as is our DS. He has a degree in maths and works with large contracts worth millions. I couldn’t work out why he is called the “Rottweiler “ at work and is so utterly dense at home but my son pointed out that work has a sort of flow chart to follow mentally but home requires multiple different responses and his brain can’t do that.

OP, I’d get a book about how to cope with ADHD then give him a very specific list of tasks and how to follow them. If he still doesn’t, then he’s being a dick.

Yes you probably have to lower your expectations of him. But you don't have to accept the current situation.

You can leave. You'll have one less person to sort out. The alternative is living with someone who doesn't respect you, who you grow to resent.

You can also decide to live as separately as possible. No laundry for him. No dinner for him. No reminders for him / his family. Do exactly what he does for you.

Or you can accept this is your life and make peace with tying yourself to someone who takes advantage of you

Yes. Because somehow my husband holds down a full time job, earns the same as me, cooks, cleans, stacks the dishwasher, changes bedding, works around our child school hours half the week and does laundry, all without wanting a medal

So yeah, OPs husband is useless based on the milk cartons and dishwasher, buts he's a complete fucking failure of a man when you take into sccount the other two paragraphs of stuff he doesn't do either.