To think I maybe just have to lower my expectations and realise that DH will never change?

[confusedlots]

Numerous conversations about similar issues have been had over the past few years, but it’s clear DH never thinks he’s done anything wrong, and usually turns the conversation around to being about me nagging him, and we never get anywhere.

Dirty plates left on the worktop right on top of the dishwasher (why not just put them in the dishwasher?). On the odd occasion he might empty the dishwasher he leaves half of the clean plates on the worktop instead of putting them away in the cupboards which are right beside him.

Empty milk cartons left on the worktop instead of being rinsed out and put in the recycling bin.

He took DS out recently and they ended up getting soaked heading back to the car. They came home, DH got dried and changed and made himself a cup of tea and sat down. I was sorting laundry and just asked where DS was and he had left him in dripping wet clothes to play in his room and hadn’t thought that he should maybe make sure he got changed into something dry. DS is 7.

DH takes the kids to breakfast club 1 day a week (after I insisted on this) but this still involved me sorting out the uniforms, lunches, getting kids and myself ready etc. DH just got up and showered, had his breakfast and dropped the kids on his way to work. So I asked that on his one day, he sorted everything out for the kids too, like I do every other day. It was a disaster and the mornings were so stressful for everyone that I have had to intervene for everyone’s sanity.

The final straw was when I tried to calmly bring this up again recently and he actually told me that he didn’t think I did that much in the home, and I could tell that he actually really believes this. I do all the laundry (his included), the majority of the food shopping, a lot of the cooking (he does cook 2 or 3 nights a week due to our schedules to be fair to him), all the life admin, kids admin, sorting birthday parties/presents, booking clubs and lessons, etc, you know what it involves! So trying not to antagonise the situation I calmly said that if he felt I didn’t do very much around the home that he wouldn’t notice if I continued not to do it for the next month, and then he accused me of being petty and not trying to do the best for our family.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. It’s the fact that he can’t see my point of view that upsets me the most, despite me trying to talk about things calmly and not be accusatory. He’s definitely got a degree of neurodiversity going on, although never diagnosed, so I’m sure that’s a major factor in this.

Help! I really think we should be able to make this work but I’m struggling to see how when he can’t see my point of view.

OP, it would be interesting to know what you do when you find his fuck ups. For example - dishes left on top of dishwasher: do you put them in, or make hm do it? Your DS in wet clothes - do you ger your DH to go and change him and put the wet stuff into washing machine? I know he might say you are nagging - but I would just ignore or say "I would not nag if you done it in the first place".

He knows perfectly well what he is doing. He is manipulative, lazy and dont care about you or the kids that much. What a prince you are living with - but, sadly, this what a lot of men are like... even on this thread you can see some women excuse it and will give you tips on how to dance around this kind of shit show.

This is exactly what kills romance and intimacy in a relationship. No woman wants to have sex with men like this.
Op- you will grow to resent your dh. You can make the choice to live in a resentful relationship for the rest of your life, hoping your dh won’t piss off with another woman he finds to have sex with, or leave him. If you do leave, it will be 100 times better for you to do it asap.

Well I'm still flogging this dead horse after 20 years, and the older I get, the more I accept what I can't change.

The difference with DH is that he gets very distressed when I say he isn't pulling his weight, because he genuinely doesn't understand what needs to be done to keep on top of everything, and is always keen to make sure I don't feel that way. So we have another crisis conversation, and a few things change for a few weeks or months, and then things start to slip again.

I don't want to create an "every man for himself" atmosphere at home, but do make sure he's at least not creating EXTRA work for me.

He had a friend stay over this week. In the past I'd sort the bedding out. But this time I said "You've had a friend stay over, so presumably you're stripping and washing the bedding and re-making the bed, yeah?"
Yesterday he had his parents over for dinner and cooked a ridiculous meal that took hours and created a pile of washing up. Once they'd gone, I said I'd leave him to it to do the washing up and sort the kitchen, whereas in the past I would have done it. His mess, his problem.

I also often say on a saturday/sunday morning: "Right, what jobs are we getting done between us for the next hour?" so that I'm not endlessly delegating.

He's a really good man - just extremely chaotic - and I likely won't leave him over these issues, but I protect myself from it all as much as I can these days. However, we don't have kids so it's easier.

I do dream of living in an immaculate 1-bed flat with our little dog. But I guess I'd miss him.

Why do you care “how he would take it”?

He doesn’t care about you or DS?

Sorry to be blunt.

I’m messy, don’t “see” things sometimes but I have to force myself because I’m a mum.

Tell him this kind of selfish laziness turns him into a child in your eyes, which really eats at your respect for him and your libido. One day he’ll be wondering why you’re divorcing him and he’ll just wish he’d done his fair share.

Agree with this. I don’t do any of my DH washing or family birthdays etc. When they realise they don’t have any clean pants they quickly get on with it!

I have friends with similar problems but yet they still do this stuff for their husbands. You have to stop.

I haven’t read all the replies but I wanted to say he is not your partner really @confusedlots. it’s not a partnership is it if he is basically a parasite.

Whats the financial split like??? I do a lot more housework than DH, but I work less hours and our financial split reflects that we are still a team. If I can’t do whatever I die to illness or busy etc, DH can step in and do what needs doing. I’m not saying it’s perfect but there is a team effort there and we both are committed to that.

I wanted to also say that he isn’t a good dad because this is a thoroughly shit example to set for your son (and any other kids). A good dad would be a team player and take responsibility for their kids and the example they set.

In your position given that you’ve been over this many times; I think I’d ask him to leave; at least for a short time. And I’d see how I felt when he was gone. You might find it much much easier and be relieved actually.
what’s he really adding to your life?? Anything? Doesn’t seem like it from your post.
perhaps take some legal advice and go from there.

lots of luck xxxx

This wouldn’t be just lowering your expectations @confusedlots this is saying that a so called man of a dad still deserves to have all his domestic and sexual needs serviced when he left his 7 year old son wet whilst he had a shower and made a cu of tea.

There are no standards to lower. You are his service human.

It feels like you are concerned if he read that article. I read it out loud to DH, in jest because he is my equal not master, but just to make sure that it had been noted. I didn’t have one moment of concern about reading it out.

Sex strike? Until he gets his act together.

I had a husband like this. We did wonder about him having ADHD at one point but in retrospect, I think not. I am late diagnosed ADHD/Autistic. What I’d say is - I’m very aware that I’m scatty because of the ADHD. Meds are wonderful but not perfect. I’ll get distracted mid task. Often leave cupboard doors open..BUT! The big thing is I’m aware. I apologise if I do miss or forget things. I’m my biggest critic and I’m always trying to improve. Ironically all the house and life admin is on me now I’m a single parent.
When I married my H (now XH), I knew he was a bit of a slob but I had no idea how bad he would become. He simultaneously claimed he didn’t know what needed doing round the house while refusing to let me make a list. He didn’t apologise for his behaviours. I stopped doing his laundry but then he’d use the machine and I’d have to empty it to make space for other washing. We had a cleaner. He moaned about the cost and the fact we had to tidy up before she came. He said couldn’t we manage it between us? He’d take charge of the bathroom. He cleaned it once 🤔 Changes were promised but never sustained.
It was weaponised incompetence. Do such a crap job she’ll take over. Leave things for later/‘someone else will do it’. I was the someone else. Felt more like his maid than his wife!
We’ve been divorced for 3 years and honestly, even though I’m a single parent who is AuDHD, I can handle it better than when I was married. Even though I’m doing it on my own (well DD is 12 now so I’m showing her how to do tasks herself) it’s less work than when I was married to him. Got a lovely fella but we don’t live together. He’s very clean and tidy 😆 and he helps me with DIY jobs I can’t manage alone. I couldn’t have imagined I’d be this happy but it’s worked out 😊

So if a husband said sex strike unless you do what I say would be perfectly acceptable behaviour

Yes i think the idea is using sex as a weapon is appalling by anyone but I never made up the idea so going with what is put

There is so much advice on here that if a man said or did it it would be called controlling

Well done you for reversing the wesponised incompetence.

Op look up weaponised incompetence...!

being neurodivergent does not make you a selfish asshole OP

he’s just a selfish guy who does not respect you

no amount of talking “calmly” will change anything. Try throwing those fucking plates at him or better just leave his sorry arse

“OP is abusive” - sorry pal but I think you’re dead wrong and there is zero evidence to support that assertion.

I am always here for this. Kind of why I divorced mine.

print it and leave it out for him.

It isn’t using sex as a weapon, it’s not finding someone who treats you like their mother sexually appealing. Who the hell wants to have sex with their own child??? Seriously.
This is the reality. You can deny it all you want but I know for a fact that this was the case for many, many women who divorced their lazy husbands. Many of which went on to find a much better man who did appreciate them and stepped up.

I also no longer remind DH about family occasions for his side of the family, or get involved in gifts or cards.

Last year he raced into the living room shouting "Oh shit, we forgot fathers day!" I said "I didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️".

Also, I buy for the nephew on my side, he buys for the niece on his side. He was about to forget, so not wanting him to completely shit the bed, I said "wow, I can't believe niece is nearly 1, where did that year go?". He answered "Oh shit, I need to send her a gift". I suggested he set a reminder on his phone for next year. He thought that was a great idea, and set the reminder for her actual birthday. Not a week before, to enable him to get a gift and card sent to her in time. So she'll be getting it late from now on.

Weaponised incompetence.they known exactly what they are doing, these men all pandered to.

It's just a shame some women don't see it. Or accept it!

Think they behave like this at work? They wouldn't have a job.

You've just exactly described my situation! And yes I am a goddess! It matters, being appreciated.

My DH is the same. I have to ask him if I want him to do anything which is still part of the mental load. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, food shopping and pet care (although I was the one who wanted them so that's fair). He does help with DD and entertains her and does bedtime. When I'm not working I accept it as he's paying all the bills but when I'm working I start to hate him. When I was working full time I had absolutely no life. I've mostly just accepted it because I have mental health and addiction issues which he's always tolerated without complaint. But you don't have to accept it if the resentment is eating away at you.

EDIT - He does acknowledge how much I do but thinks my standards are too high 🙄 MIL is lazy so he was raised in a hovel and thinks this is normal.

I think it is a case of some men get away with what we allow them to get away with.
It is going to be really hard work OP but instead of trying to make your husband make big changes I would start with just some very small minor adjustments.
Without getting annoyed or angry instead of clearing up behind him leave the milk carton and just say to him please could you rinse out the milk carton and put it in the recycling, once you have done this several times he might start doing it automatically.
Same with the plates, once you have got these 2 things under control move on to the next small win.
As I say it will be hard work, it will take time and you will have to stop yourself from doing it instead of asking him but stick with it and, as much as it will be annoying, be grateful when he does it (encouragement works, better the carrot than the stick)!
Think of it as like training a dog, constant repetition and lots of reward.
It is not about gaining the whole 9 yards, think of it as gaining in inches and the small wins will then build.
This is how I 'trained' my husband and I hope it might work for you OP.

Lists and talking are pointless. Do a 2 week "essential " work course or trip and leave him to it. He'll get it then.

If they behaved like this at work though, they would get marching orders pretty quickly.

Having to hand hold after probation usually leads to being let go from a company.

So why put up with it at home?

As soon as I read your OP I thought of the HuffPost article that was posted earlier.

I was in the same situation with a very selfish DH who always prioritised his own wants and needs above the rest of the family - and who also would leave his cup and cereal bowl in the sink rather than emptying the dishwasher if it was full or even just putting the blasted stuff in there if it was empty. He would get himself something to eat and if I later asked if the children had been fed he'd say no and give some bullshit reason why. His various hobbies that took him out of the house and away from the family for much of the weekend took priority over family time. Looking back I was pretty much a single parent who happened to be married to the father of my children.

What also grated was the adding of 'for you' after he ever did any of the more mundane tasks:

'I've emptied the dishwasher for you'
'I put the bins out for you'
I emptied the tumble dryer for you'

Needless to say we are now separated, halfway through a divorce.

And lo and behold, he is perfectly capable of looking after himself. He is keen to impress the new woman in his life and suddenly is putting his plates in the sodding dishwasher and tidying away any food preparation according to the kids. I wonder whether its's because he has cleaned and tidied this time whereas before it was only me and so he didn't care enough to keep on top of it....very much like the HuffPost bloke - I didn't matter enough to him.

I don't know whether if he had changed his ways earlier our marriage could have been saved, but it may well have been too late by then. Death by a thousand paper cuts and all that.

Very good point.

But he's already controlling, so you have to use what you have to make him listen.

OP has tried talking to him, won't show him an article to read.

Are you saying that people just deserve to be given sex when they feel like it no matter how they behave?

And yes I would expect a man to withdraw from sex if his partner was as controlling as OP's husband. You can look at it as the attraction falling away which is kind of is really.

How many people have sex as obligation to keep the peace? Probably way more than should. Similar thing you are having sex or not having sex for a reason nothing to do with mutual attraction or desire. Sex is a transaction for a lot of people.