Autistic child attacking DD

[HollandAndCooper]

Hi all,

just looking for advice re the above. DD started reception at the beginning of September. She's a confident child and had no issues starting until recently.

3 times in the last 2 weeks an autistic boy has assaulted and attacked DD.
the first occasion was pinching her on her cheek leaving a mark and bruise. She was climbing on the adventure frame in the playground when this happened. Totally unprovoked.
the second occasion, he kicked her on her shin leaving a horrible bruise.
3rd occasion (today) the child in question has hit DD on her head so hard it's left a mark.

I picked her up and she was utterly hysterical.

I am so incredibly angry. I know this child has SEN but as a lot of you will relate, when someone attacks and hurts your child it rages you like nothing else. The first occasion I was angry but as understanding as can be. Now 2 and 3 more times have happened, I'm losing my patience.

it's a very small and Intimate village school, one class per year and is only reception - y2. There is no where else for the boy to go in the school because of this.

all incidents have been noted but I've now demanded a safeguarding investigation take place as he's gunning for my DD. I've been told they're doing their best to 'keep them apart.' My daughter doesn't need to be kept apart from anybody, he needs keeping away from her.

i know who the mum is. At drop off whilst waiting for the gates to be opened this child constantly presses on the intercom, bangs and punches the notice board. The mum just stands there and doesn't say anything. I know conventional discipline won't work with all SEN children, but do I speak to the mum about this? I am so angry that my 4 year old little girl cannot have her right to a safe learning environment due to this child. I have no idea if he's attacked other children.

please don't take this as a thread to hate on SEN. I am neurodiverse myself, and DD most probably is to and is on the correct pathways.

has anyone else been through this, does anyone have any advice? In reality I'd like the boy to be expelled as we're 4 weeks into her schooling life and my daughter has been assaulted 3 times. But who am I to demand that.

im at a loss on what to do. My confident, happy little girl who has loved going to school is now getting upset at drop off and is hysterical at pick up. I'm just heartbroken for her.

I know fights and scraps are normal for young kids, but this is not in the realms of normal.

any advice will be greatly received.

thank you

Yeah, this. And do not let the school tell you she can’t hit back but he can’t help it. They need to safeguard your child.

Simple isn't it?

My child has a right to an education because and only because they follow the rules. My child is not owed anything by anyone other than their parents.

Your approach would definitely work and I’m sure the child’s mother just never thought of just being strict. All the autism researchers in the world would be out of a job.

I understand that the system is broken. I understand that parenting a child with SEN is hard.

But why should my child be physically harmed by a child with SEN being schooled in a system that doesn't meet their needs.

Surely safety is the primary concern here. How on earth can an individual's physical safety be secondary to anything else? How is it not the first duty of whatever government institution to ensure safety?

Thankfully, the law disagrees with you.

Ah see that’s not how the law works.

They have a right to an education because they do. Thats really it.

And ^ this too.

I really should!

Indeed! 👏

So many words to say nothing of any use at all. 🙄

Man its tough, but in this case I would not judge if your daughter chose to retaliate.

This child is possible targeting girls, because they are less likely to hit back.

She isn't going to do him any actual harm and this is a good age to learn that there are concequences to hitting other people, especially females.

And before any parents come on and give me the third degree, I grew with a SEN sibling and for them to participate in society they need feedback. This child in this case is not a victim, he is the perpertrator and will continue to be so if it is not addressed. Adults are not in the best position to provide feedback that he will understand in this case, but a victim of his violence is.

This thread is bonkers.

Been there, child with ASD/ADHD and autism literally kicked another child to the chest at our nursery.

Picking up branches and hitting other kids.
I saw him push my DC off playing equipment when I walked in for pick up.

Nursery employee safe guarding and he was pretty much sent home most days because staff couldn’t handle him.

Thankfully DC started school soon but in the meantime you need to reach DC to defend her self.

She needs fight back. If child hits her she hits back and shouts/screams at the top of her lungs ‘HEY DO NOT HIT ME’ her hitting back can be a solid push to the shoulder. That reaction alone deters some kids. Role play it at home and practice till she gets it.

I am sorry OP but you have to get her confidence up because it’s unlikely school will do anything.

I’ve given my advice to the OP and I really hope she’s able to work with the school to find a solution that keeps her daughter safe.

That said, I am concerned about some of the comments on this thread. For context, I have a non-verbal autistic child with high needs who attends a specialist school. In some ways it’s easier, because her disability is very visible — people don’t tend to blame my parenting.

For verbal children with high needs, it can be much harder. Their challenges often become clearer later, and by then they’re already in mainstream education, where things can escalate quickly and reach crisis point.

The real issues are systemic: long waits for assessment, underfunded schools, and overstretched services. Families and children should never be blamed for problems created by a broken system.

This. If he gets a negative but strong retaliation then he may back off.

A benefit mum ? Haha you could not be further from the truth. Although we do get child benefit. Don’t really care if they take it or not. Useful to add to the youngest’s isa.

Well we only know about the mum. OP has said the mother stands at the school gate and allows him to mis-behave before he even gets into the class room. We don’t know what the dad does or doesn’t do. Or even if there is a dad….

No, that's just a huge and totally invented assumption.

Agree, its becoming very disturbing to read.

I've also wondered what the responses would have been if it was an NT child. Violence and bullying is and always has been a problem in schools, including secondary schools where they are at the age of criminal responsibility. I don't think people are so quick to jump to saying bullies need to excluded for the safety of all other pupils, I think everyone agrees they need discipline but I don't see people being as extreme as they are on this thread. It's a 4 year old child who has just started school, given he's SEN he may well only have the level of understanding of a younger child. I find it really uncomfortable reading how some people view that child and I say that as someone who has been in OPs position. I never wanted the other child excluded though, I just wanted them to have the extra support they needed so my child AND the SEN child could be safe and happy.

The thing is my autistic child would have absolutely loved that sort of reaction and done it more. It’s very tricky.

As a mum do a child with additional needs (ASD and ADHD), who does lash out when dysregulated, this is an issue for school to resolve.

The mum is not in school to control her child during these moments, she cannot stop it if she is not there.

Those saying, the mums needs to get support, the child needs a one to one, a specialist setting, I’m sure the school and parents agree on this, but there is nothing available, the system is broken!

OP you need to focus on protecting your child, insist she is not left unsupervised with the child, and how this will be managed moving forward. I think for the school to allow this happen on three occasions, their current plan is not working.

My child has also been at receiving end of violence, with attending a specialist provision. So I see it from your side as well. No one wants their child to be hurt, and I can tell you as a mum of a child who has hit other children it is mortifying, and I work hard at parenting and have done everything “ASD Parenting Course” there is, as yes, that is the only support your offered!

Separate the two issues.
His behaviour is annoying and you would like his mum to address it in a way that satisfies you. For whatever reason she isn’t. But he is not harming anyone in those situations. However you are free to pick a fight with mum if you want to about his behaviour - but do it with dignity if you want to win the argument.

the second and more important issue is your daughter being hit at school. You need to have a conversation at school that she has a right not to be bullied at school. PP have posted advice and if it doesn’t work I would move schools fairly quickly. I would not recommend that you tackle mum about this. She is not supervising him when it happens and she will support her child as all mums should.

My son's disability is visible too. No one in 'real life' blames me or my son for his disability but several people on here have been insistent on the fact that he belongs in a special school because he's incontinent so needs to be changed at school.

Yeah so just standing there being passive while he keeps pressing a buzzer and belts the shit out of every object and fellow classmates is the answer? Got it. 👍🏼