To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

😂 Who wants to go on a walk or for a coffee with a stranger they have no interest in seeing again?

But everyone is auditioning / profiling each other from the minute they read their online dating profile, thru first texts, to calls etc - everyone’s needs, boundaries and non-negotiables are different and you can call ‘Next’ at any moment if you know something isn’t compatible with your lifestyle, values or expectations.

Sooner rather than later IMHO.

Interrogating complete strangers like this before even meeting them is bizarre in the extreme and totally inappropriate. I presume you found a large number of people unmatched you once the Spanish Inquisition began, and rightly so.

It would have been quicker for you to meet them for a ten minute coffee before you started trying to find out their life stories. Why bother when you might not like each other at all anyway? And obviously anybody with any decent boundaries would have found it weird and overly invested and intense and rude to behave like that to a complete stranger so you probably weeded yourself out for a lot of people by being so invasive and odd.

Did you also ask them about how they envisaged dividing up housework once you lived together and have children? Got to check you’re “compatible” after all, before wasting ten minutes meeting somebody. Was there a questionnaire to fill in?

Normal questions. Probably doesn’t want any drama of a high conflict dad and is checking you’ll have enough time to actually date, these may be non negotiables for him so he’s asking before you meet/he invests himself, sensible.

Yes. And dare I say a little self centred, looking at things purely from your own point of view. You’re talking about how YOU feel it’s invasive, but why do you feel you shouldn’t be questioned on such things? He’s asking you politely and respectfully.

I wouldn’t want to waste my time on a man who has no time for me or have a difficult ex partner who would make things difficult for me. When you have kids and enter the dating world you have to accept that (in the nicest possible way) children and lurking exes are merely seen as baggage initially to potential matches. That’s not to say blended families can’t work but it’s a battle one would prefer not to have if given the choice

Jeez some of you are just so excited to be offended. INTERROGATED! DEEPLY PERSONAL QUESTIONS! For gods sake the poor chap just wanted to know the state of play.

Lots of people will have called “next” when faced with the weirdly intrusive and rude posters who’ve demanded someone’s autobiography to read before deciding whether to meet them for coffee. For lots of people a firm boundary is “no over-invested oddballs who are trying to envisage the logistics of married life together before they’ve even met me”.

I believe men call such women “bunny boilers” (awful expression, as rabbits are adorable). Whereas when men behave like this it is not only a red flag for the reasons above re. demonstrating entitlement, rudeness and social ineptitude, potential obsessiveness etc, but such behaviour is also a common indicator of someone who is likely testing boundaries to identify targets for abuse (especially when it involves a single mother as many of them specifically target such women for access to children). I’ve explained this multiple times on the thread. The behaviour the OP has described includes multiple red flags of a potential abuser. Yet people are egging her on and telling her it’s normal behaviour to exhibit to a total stranger you have never even met. It really isn’t an no decent man with respect for a woman’s boundaries would behave like this, and continue to behave like this after she made it clear that it was making her uncomfortable.

This thread really is 🦇💩, as I said earlier.

If that is how this man feels then why is he speaking to a woman who gas made it clear that she is a single mother? Why is he not trying to date childless women if that’s his preference?

You’d have to have a very low bar indeed (and be a terrible parent) to date/ form a relationship with someone who considered your children to be “baggage”.

If the thread is so crazy please do feel free to leave it. It does seem you could do with a breath of fresh air and a cup of tea!

If he's looking for a serious relationship, he won't want to invest his time when the woman is in a situation that's a big No for him. So I can understand why he wanted to know those things. If I were thinking of dating a man, I'd want to know the same things, especially since a string of "crazy exes" is a well known red glad.

If he’s interested in a serious relationship these are crucial questions. If he just wants a few dates they are nosey.

Wow what an extreme twisting of a situation you are not party to.

Saying “May I ask….” is not an interrogation - it’s extremely polite and sensitive. It’s not even asking for an answer it’s asking if they can ask.

The OP could just say ‘No’ simple.

Grown up communication expressing her boundary when the guy wanted to check where it was.

I can understand why you hate that question.

Its too intrusive and he has no right to an answer so early on, however it would only be relevent if two people were thinking of settling down together.

So you could tell him his question is too intrusive and let him go or see how things go

If your idea of romance and establish a rapport with somebody so you can ask them out on a date is to be interrogating them about their relationship with their ex then I am not sure what to say to you!

Seems there is just the one bat shit derailer on the thread.

One persons ‘weird and intrusive’ is another person ‘sensible and open’ - it’s fine to be in either camp and it quits if not compatible in the same camp early doors.

No need for the histrionics.

The question itself and entitlement to ask this of a complete stranger is extremely rude, intrusive and inappropriate. Writing “may I ask” beforehand doesn’t negate this, and is a false question in any case because the person has then gone ahead and asked it without permission to do so. Abusive people are often charming and try to couch their behaviour in such superficially mild language to make it pass as socially acceptable to those who have poor boundaries. I hope that the OP does not.

This is so ott, i am unsure if you don’t know what interrogate means or you’re prone to hyperbole, to such an extent you lose credibility but an interrogation is not two questions.

if it helps, an interrogation is asking someone a lot of questions for a long period of time, it is not two brief questions asked, where she can decline to answer.

He has never met her. If he’s fantasising about a serious relationship with her before they’ve even met in person then there’s something seriously wrong.

I might not ask right away if it felt awkward, but I can guarantee you I'd want to know as soon as possible if someone I was considering dating had children, where they live, what the relationship with the ex was like, etc. If it's a bad situation or one where I wouldn't feel comfortable, I'd rather know immediately and not waste anyone's time.

She did. And he kept asking her anyway even after she made clear that she wasn’t comfortable with it.

These people are total strangers who have never even met each other.

It’s bizarre that so many posters are determined to try to defend this man’s inappropriate behaviour.

But if you meet in person, for example at work, you would get to know their relationship status, if someone has kids, if they live with them full time and a sense of what their ex is like (at least if they’re a nightmare). You’d get to know all of that before asking them out.

Not sure why asking such questions of a potential date would mean they’re a sociopath or abusive. If people don’t want to say, I’d assume they were hiding something (still married etc). And if they took offence, then we’re clearly not suited. That’s ok too.

I genuinely don’t understand wasting a date or several before finding out if either of you have a dealbreaker. It doesn’t help anyone. It’s fine if you’re just looking for a flirtation/casual, but not if you’re looking for something serious.

I think you're looking into this too deeply. He's asked reasonable questions at the start to ensure he's not wasting his time. Take it as a compliment that he likes you and wants things to progress but is just making sure he's not getting into anything messy.

Of course. I'm not hiding that I have a child, and I don't think it's personal to ask if someone has kids. He knew I had one before the topic of asking if they lived with me then about my ex.

Normal questions, surely?