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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

414 replies

Savethewhales1 · 01/10/2025 19:09

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

OP posts:
AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:53

thelakeisle1 · 01/10/2025 23:50

Yep. Your job is to do the right thing for your child, not to pretend you can fix all the world's problems and force them to suffer while you try.

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Well @XenoBitch also brought up autism and said there is no surgery for that. I am pretty sure parents of autistic children (one of my dc is autistic fyi) would do a simple surgery to correct it. So, yeah, no points really

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:54

thelakeisle1 · 01/10/2025 23:48

Nope. Normal means standard, average or typical. Prominent ears from the least noticeable to the most only affect 1-2 % of the UK population. https: // patient.info/doctor/history-examination/prominent-ears - so, no, they are not normal.

But bullying actually is completely normal in that it is absolutely typical, has always happened and is very standard and expected.

What you mean is that ears in all their shapes and forms are acceptable and within social norms, which is perfectly true.

You also mean that bullying should not be accepted, which is also true.

But no, sticking out ears are not normal, they are atypical, they absolutely 100 percent do draw attention and will amost certainly mean the child gets teased and/or bullied.

Reality is just reality. There's nothing wrong in any way at all with accepting reality and making our decisions based on that.

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Ok, so something that only affects 1-2% should be seen as ugly and something to be fixed? Like ginger hair?
And some reasons kids are bullied is not something that is fixed.

Again, teach your kids to be accepting of all difference even sticky out ears. They are not ugly or abnormal. Just not common, and that is fine.
Think about the message you are sending out to those kids that are ok with their ears. That they must get them fixed because they are ugly and most people have "good" ears.

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:54

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:54

Ok, so something that only affects 1-2% should be seen as ugly and something to be fixed? Like ginger hair?
And some reasons kids are bullied is not something that is fixed.

Again, teach your kids to be accepting of all difference even sticky out ears. They are not ugly or abnormal. Just not common, and that is fine.
Think about the message you are sending out to those kids that are ok with their ears. That they must get them fixed because they are ugly and most people have "good" ears.

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ginger hair is not a deformity

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:55

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:53

Well @XenoBitch also brought up autism and said there is no surgery for that. I am pretty sure parents of autistic children (one of my dc is autistic fyi) would do a simple surgery to correct it. So, yeah, no points really

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He was bullied for being enthusiastic about his special interest. Would that be something you would fix in your own kid?

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:56

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:54

ginger hair is not a deformity

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Neither are sticky out ears. They are just an aesthetic difference.

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:57

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:55

He was bullied for being enthusiastic about his special interest. Would that be something you would fix in your own kid?

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personally, my son, would I fix his autism with a surgery? No, but that's because it's on the mild end and presents in the way you described. Would I if it was severe? Hell yes.

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:58

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:56

Neither are sticky out ears. They are just an aesthetic difference.

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My dd couldn't wear glasses.

thelakeisle1 · 01/10/2025 23:59

I'm not sure why some people are pretending that the OP doesn't love her child just as she is. She clearly just understands that reality doesn't care how you feel and that she cannot control the vicious behaviour of others.

Bullying in childhood is linked to poor mental health outcomes, suicidal ideation and all sorts of bad stuff.

If you can take a target off your kids' back, it's a good idea to do so. How I wish all the issues for kids could be so easily solved.

You're a great mum OP, do the right thing for your child - ignore the people on this thread trying to bully you.

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:02

AngryBird6122 · 01/10/2025 23:58

My dd couldn't wear glasses.

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And some people do not need glasses at all. A decent optician would make glasses that fit. They had to do that for me in the end.

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/10/2025 00:03

I’d do it OP.
I have a huge nose with a hump and I’ve got teased about it as long as I can remember- I hated it when I was a child and got a fair few very nasty comments growing up.
I would have loved it if it was something that could have been easily sorted! I don’t see any drawbacks.
Ears being pinned back wasn’t labelled plastic surgery when we were kids it was a common procedure that lots of people had.

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:04

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:54

Ok, so something that only affects 1-2% should be seen as ugly and something to be fixed? Like ginger hair?
And some reasons kids are bullied is not something that is fixed.

Again, teach your kids to be accepting of all difference even sticky out ears. They are not ugly or abnormal. Just not common, and that is fine.
Think about the message you are sending out to those kids that are ok with their ears. That they must get them fixed because they are ugly and most people have "good" ears.

Show quote history

Why are you arguing with points nobody made or even implied?

Is it because you don't actually have any good points to make and are trying to derail? I think that's it tbh.

Or is it that you just don't grasp the simple realities of this discussion?

Or do you actually think that if you keep frantically waving a magic wand, reality will ripple around you and change?

So, as stated - prominent ears are not normal. Bullying is.

We all wish reality wasn't real at various times. But it is.

We make our decisions based on facts and material realities, not wishes and daydreams.

AngryBird6122 · 02/10/2025 00:05

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:02

And some people do not need glasses at all. A decent optician would make glasses that fit. They had to do that for me in the end.

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sorry but I just thinking you are deliberately being obtuse as I said. no point me arguing my point back anymore

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:05

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/10/2025 00:03

I’d do it OP.
I have a huge nose with a hump and I’ve got teased about it as long as I can remember- I hated it when I was a child and got a fair few very nasty comments growing up.
I would have loved it if it was something that could have been easily sorted! I don’t see any drawbacks.
Ears being pinned back wasn’t labelled plastic surgery when we were kids it was a common procedure that lots of people had.

Edited

Agree, it's been around for decades and was just called ear pinning. Really standard procedure. I am sorry about the teasing you had to endure, truly. I was teased and bullied as a kid for other things, it leaves its mark.

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:07

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:04

Why are you arguing with points nobody made or even implied?

Is it because you don't actually have any good points to make and are trying to derail? I think that's it tbh.

Or is it that you just don't grasp the simple realities of this discussion?

Or do you actually think that if you keep frantically waving a magic wand, reality will ripple around you and change?

So, as stated - prominent ears are not normal. Bullying is.

We all wish reality wasn't real at various times. But it is.

We make our decisions based on facts and material realities, not wishes and daydreams.

Show quote history

Bullying is normal but it should not be.
Why not change that instead of saying kids should be told by their parents that they are deformed and abnormal and need fixing.
Like I said in PP, my DP has massive sticky out ears. I love them. They are part of him. I would never say they are ugly or abnormal and why would I? So why tell your own small child that their ears are ugly and need fixing? I do not get it.

DaffodilDaisyRose · 02/10/2025 00:08

My parents got my ear pinned when I was a toddler so I had no idea what was going on.

What about if you put some money aside and as a teen if she wants to do it then maybe let her make that call. Also kids wear hats, caps, hairbands, earphones and style their hair all different ways.

The grownups that were saying ‘elf ears’ - they must have been supermodels with amazing, symmetrical features and perfect figures, right? Somehow I doubt it and I would have let them know too.

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:09

And prominent ears are not seen as normal because everyone and their dog is getting them pinned back and creating the "normal".

If you leave them be, then it will be seen as normal and your shitty little bullying kids will stop picking on their peers for having them.

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:09

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:07

Bullying is normal but it should not be.
Why not change that instead of saying kids should be told by their parents that they are deformed and abnormal and need fixing.
Like I said in PP, my DP has massive sticky out ears. I love them. They are part of him. I would never say they are ugly or abnormal and why would I? So why tell your own small child that their ears are ugly and need fixing? I do not get it.

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Why not fix world hunger while we're at it? I know, I will wave my sparkly wand and tomorrow all misogyny will have vanished from the universe. Hooray! All sorted.

We all wish we could fix all the bad in the world. We can't.

Again, the reality is that prominent ears are not normal and bullying is. OP will do what is best for her child, based on reality, not daydreams and wishes.

And that's that.

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:11

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:09

And prominent ears are not seen as normal because everyone and their dog is getting them pinned back and creating the "normal".

If you leave them be, then it will be seen as normal and your shitty little bullying kids will stop picking on their peers for having them.

Nope. As only 1-2% of people are born with naturally prominent ears, they will never be normal. Unless everyone only has kids with people who have prominent ears, I guess. But since only 1-2% of people have prominent ears they'd be doing a lot of heavy lifting for the population.

And kids meanwhile throughout the entire world will still be bullying people who do not appear "normal".

But luckily for the OP, she can fix this particular issue right away and take that particular target off her daughter's back. Like all good parents would.

Almostwelsh · 02/10/2025 00:11

I had mine pinned and it didn't work and one of my ears is slightly damaged from it. I regret it. I wouldn't do it to one of my children. You do tend to grow into your ears as an adult anyway.

XenoBitch · 02/10/2025 00:13

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 00:11

Nope. As only 1-2% of people are born with naturally prominent ears, they will never be normal. Unless everyone only has kids with people who have prominent ears, I guess. But since only 1-2% of people have prominent ears they'd be doing a lot of heavy lifting for the population.

And kids meanwhile throughout the entire world will still be bullying people who do not appear "normal".

But luckily for the OP, she can fix this particular issue right away and take that particular target off her daughter's back. Like all good parents would.

Edited
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If you are using a small percentage as not normal then yes, I will concede on that point.
But not normal does not mean bad, and something that needs fixing. Why do the 1-2% need to change? Do we all need identical sitting ears?

OhMyGiddyAnt · 02/10/2025 00:14

My niece had hers done. She asked her Mum to make an appointment with the Dr when she was about 10 or 11. She led the discussion and she got the op on the NHS. Her ears did stick right out.
Imdont see why it’s different to getting overbites sorted out at the dentist. One of my kids knocked their front teeth out when they were three and her adult teeth grew back with a big overbite. It didn’t cross my mind not to get her braces.
Having ears done is very simply and easy. Why would t you do it?

Glitterybee · 02/10/2025 00:14

My DDs friend had ears like that exact shape you’ve posted and they were super prominent when the girls were young. But now they’re 14 she has grew into them! And they honestly are no longer noticeable, she’s a beautiful girl.

It may be worth waiting until your DD is a teenager to see as the same could happen her?

Toodleleetoodleeo · 02/10/2025 00:15

MissMoneyFairy · 01/10/2025 19:22

Do her ears stick out or is it stahls ear which do look elf, there are plenty of private clinics, where are you based.

I was disappointed when I realised the OP meant her child's ears stick out & not proper elf ears 😅 my DD has stahls, me and her absolutely love her ears I'm so jealous of them 😅

Change2banon · 02/10/2025 00:15

But your dd has mentioned them OP. I’d be having a conversation along the lines of ‘I heard your many mentions of your ears at the bridal party events, how to you feel about them’ .. then more detail and talking. Work out from there was she would like to do. I paid for my dd to get her boobs done aged 18 - best thing I ever did for her. She was totally flat. Kids are cruel nowadays, sm makes things so much worse.

freakingscared · 02/10/2025 00:15

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 22:37

You would tell your little girl that part of her body was ugly and needing fixing?
You sound part of the problem. Did you pick on kids in school for having big ears?

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I have never in my life been bullied or bullied anyone else or pick on anyone . I just really think certain things can be easily altered . It’s not a massive surgery either . Every single child or adult I meet with ugly ears feel extremely bad about it so why not avoid it ?