How would you split the cost of this trip?

[GetBendyWithWendy]

Surprise birthday trip for the parent of adult children.

Attending:
The other parent.
One adult child with a spouse and teen.
One single childless adult child.

Whats odd about it? The expectation that you can't ask someone else to subsidise an expensive gift you've chosen to give to your parent?

Because its a gift from siblings to parent to pay for the holiday. So they pay for the holiday, otherwise its not a gift from them.
If they dont want that gift to include a room for partner and child, then don't include them.

Its not OK to spend other people's money.

It’s not other people’s money, it’s our money. I don’t have a separate “it’s my mums birthday next week” pot?

For example, we’re going for a family birthday meal next week and the money will come from our shared funds anyway, but I’d think my partner incredibly rude if he just didn’t turn up.

Living that separately and picking apart parents birthdays to that level would wind me up 😂.

It would be split by four in my family and everyone I know. Just like Christmas, one spouse wouldn't say that the other had to pick up the cost of visiting, because there's no adult blood relation to them, present.

When it came to food, again split by the adults, with individual alcohol carried or if buying litre bottles/mixers, split costs and the parents pay for what their children want.

Its not OK to spend other people's money.

You make it sound like raiding someone’s bank account.

There’s this marvellous thing called the power of speech. Anyone who didn’t want to be involved could use it to say so.

The point is, you’ve arranged to buy your parent a gift split with your sibling.

You then want the other parent to pay 25%
Your sibling to pay 50%
and you to pay 25%

I think on out case the siblings would pay equally for accommodation (if one siblings family has 2 rooms then they would pay a bit more. They would offer. I wouldnt necessarily ask). Then food etc. Would be divided per person and the siblings would pay for their family so the one with partner and teen would pay for 3. We would pay for both parents. If non bfay parent would insist jn paying, we wiuld just divide it between siblings afterwards.

But I'm pretty sure your sibling agreed to split the costs with you, not pay twice as much as you. If my sibling and I decided to split the cost of a present for our parent, the expectation would be a 50:50 split, because we're both equally DPs child and we're both equally gifting it.

You want someone, who is not a child of the birthday person, to pay for a big chunk of the present that their children have decided to give them.

Your IL wouldn't have expected to pay for the gift that you and your sibling are giving your parent, because people don't generally go round buying their PILs expensive holidays for their birthdays.

Have you ever said who's idea it was to do this trip?

It really does have bearing on what is a 'fair' way to split the cost of it.

Was it the siblings or was it the other parent? Or did you all get together and say let's do this all together (which in itself infers a more equal split of the costs)?

It does make a difference.

But I'm pretty sure your sibling agreed to split the costs with you, not pay twice as much as you.

Are you? Why?

Splitting it four ways may seem fair but it's not really as the couple with the child are paying twice as a family for the non paying parent.

I'd personally do it by bedroom as the fairest way:
So single person: one bedroom
couple with teen: two bedrooms
paying parent: one bedroom

BUT if you insist on splitting it into 4 paying adults. You should first split it into FIVE, each paying adult pay their own portion then split the non paying person's share (one fifth) into 3.

Good Grief! Because obviously there would be no need for this thread if everyone was in agreement. And "joint present from the children of the birthday person" implies an equal split between the children of the birthday person.

In our family

Mum and dad would pay nothing as sharing mums birthday room.

Then it would be paid based on rooms unless the difference in day a 3 bed and 4 bed was tiny then we would just 50/50 it. Or rather the adult children of the parent would.

Though again say the teen bunked in with mum and dad or slept on the sofa. 50/50 between the adult children again.

The in-laws would be token gifts because I anit paying say £100/£200/£300 for my inlaw parent birthday gift 😅

This is one of those where there’s no perfect answer.

As other posters have pointed it out splitting it 4 adults means that the couple are paying a higher proportion of the present aspect of the payment. However you could also argue they’re getting their teen for free. The Spouse of the sibling may also feel like they’re coming along out of familial obligation rather than really wanting to be there, so may not want to pay for the privilege.

Split by room? Well then you need to know the layout of the place? Are some rooms bigger? En-suites? Does teen get an inferior room?

Are the siblings similar in age and on different life paths or is one just graduated and on a starter salary whilst the other is 10+ years older and has had much more time to establish themselves?

Will anyone be getting parent any supplementary gift? Who knows?

I think the difference in cost also matters. Is it £50 or £200 difference depending on how it is split?

Then you can also throw in how are food costs going to be split? If there’s a big shop will it be per family? Per person? What about meals out?

I think if you aren’t going on a trip with people where you all have a generous mindset in the first place all these things can get quite fraught.

Overall OP only you know the nuances of all of this. I think a good natured discussion needs to take placed between the siblings and parent to come to a split you’re all happy with and where no one feels resentment. This will be different in every family and every situation. But going forward I would advise agreeing the split of costs before booking anything.

we would split an air b and b 3 way equally, we do this for Center Parcs. It’s an accommodation cost not a per person cost.

Think of it terms of a different gift.

You and your sibling decide to get one of your parents a £400 scarf for their birthday.

What would a fair split of the cost be?

a)
You pay £100
sibling pays £200
and parent pays £100

or b)
you and your sibling split the cost of something you two have decided to do?

If you don’t think of it like this, then it’s not a gift.

A trip away is no different in principle from any other birthday party. The person who is throwing the party pays for the party, and gets to choose who is invited. If the cost is unmanageable, opt for a more modest celebration.

But this is what I’ve kept trying to tell you! It isn’t the same as a physical gift!

Your scarf costs the same however you split the cost. You don’t need a bigger scarf if more people are paying for it.

If you’re splitting the cost of a house, more people in the house may mean more bedrooms, and therefore a higher cost. The person bringing more people is the one ensuring the cost is higher. How can you not see that this isn’t the same as a physical item?

Have you had a chance to speak to your parent and sibling about how they want to split it yet?

So this is where paying per bedroom comes in, if you have to get a four bedroom place instead of 3, the couple and teen pay for two of the bedrooms, which brings the cost down for everyone else, others are only paying for the one bedroom as that is all they need.. it doesn't matter how many bedrooms there are if there are people in there paying for them and all you are doing is paying for your own, you work out at planning stage if you can afford that or not and accept or decline accordingly.

And It's not just random people turning up, you know what your family is comprised of, who is coming and the accommodation should be worked out at planning stage (as would the cost split normally be).

You’re thinking of it as a family holiday of which one adult is partially exempt from the cost (although by having the other parent pay you’re costing the birthday parent) and not a gift.

But the gift is the holiday. It costs what the holiday that you arranged costs.

If you wanted a cheaper gift, then maybe you should have just arranged it to be you, your sibling and your one parent. Or chosen domewhete cheaper, or maybe not a holiday at all.

In any case, the full cost of the holiday is the gift, and it should be equally shared by the gift givers.

If it wasn't a gift, just a shared holiday, I'd expect the cost to be split by room.

But it is a gift, therefore the full cost of the gift should be split equally by the gift givers (of which sibling's spouse is not one).

But you know in advance how many people are going and it is a gift albeit not a physical one as you want to describe it. Entirely different from a family holiday. You can't expect a spouse or grandchild to pay an equal share of a gift
If you expect the gift to be from you and your sibling then either split 50/50 or just you your sibling and your mother go

I think everyone is wasting their time. OP clearly just wants validation that she shouldn’t have to pay for others attending the holiday, and won’t see it any other way 🤷‍♀️

Doing it this way is hugely unfair on the single child with no children.

They’re paying for a family that isn’t theirs, who will use far more space and resources.

They’ve also only got one income to pay that out of.

Asking my brother to pay for 1/3 of something like this (I have two siblings) would involve asking him to pay for a share of 2 adults and 4 children that aren’t his, as a minimum. If we invited my sisters stepchildren there’d be 2 adults and 7 kids. All of which aren’t his financial ‘burden.’

He likely wouldn’t be able to pay it and therefore wouldn’t come.

Everyone paying for their own people means nobody ends up fronting up costs for spouses and kids that aren’t theirs.