Partner sleeping when baby is sick

[NewMummy1999]

I’m a new parent to a 2 month old. My partner has been off work the past 2 days sick, and now my baby has caught his cold/flu and is unwell. Every time I lay him in his cot, he wakes up crying and will only sleep comfortably on mine / my partners chest.

My partner is planning to return to work tomorrow, so I am staying up with baby. I understand his need for sleep, but I can’t help feel that with it being our first child and his first time being sick, I wish we were sharing the load together rather than me doing it all alone. I also think he doesn’t realise that whilst he goes to work, I am with baby all day still sick so won’t be getting any rest in the day and will essentially have 24+ hours without sleep.

He never normally does anything during the night. I take on all of the night feeds, all of the wake ups and soothing back to sleep, nappy changes etc. He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work, which I understand most of the time but sometimes I think that’s a selfish viewpoint especially in this situation where our baby is sick for the first time and he is the one that has given it to him!!

I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails.

I don’t know. Am I selfish for wanting more support - wishing he would stay up with me for a while or offer to share the night and WFH another day?

I understand why you want, and need, more support but I don’t think WFH is the answer. He can’t look after a poorly baby whilst also working which is why many employers don’t encourage this (mine definitely wouldn’t).

He should split the nights with you though, caring for your baby is as important as, if not more than, his job so you need time to rest and recover too. You could do shifts e.g you do 7-1 and he does 1-7 so everyone gets some sleep at least.

Are you on maternity leave? That’s literally what it’s for. To make sure that one of you can go to work earns an income and the other one stays at home and looks after the baby whatever state it’s in.
It is tough, but the situation won’t be improved by both of you. Only getting 50% of your required sleep.
You need to sleep when the baby does leave everything else in the house and just concentrate on the two of you getting through this

Staying up WITH you would be madness. Why both be awake?! But certainly he could take some of the burden. When I was on mat leave I would go to bed early eg 8pm and my husband would be “on duty” until about 12 and then it would be me after that. It meant I had a solid few hours sleep then as much as I could get between feeds and waking over the next 5 hours. He also would have about 6.5/ 7 hours sleep before work.

Before you tried for a baby what discussions did you and your partner have regarding parenting, sharing the load, what happens when one or both of you are ill, who does what during your maternity leave then when you go back to work, etc etc?

He should help at night but he should not be wfh when you are on maternity though. He was ill and took sick leave as he should have, now he’s fine to go back to work. If you need him to stay at home to look after the baby he needs to take annual leave. He can’t wfh and take care of a sick baby at the same time.

Poor baby, it is really tough when they're ill, unable to settle, I hope baby gets better soon.
He should be helpful when baby is unwell.
I couldn't sleep if my baby was ill, DH could no problem. 💗

Maternity leave is indeed to care for your young baby. However, that doesn't mean that you spend 24/7/365 caring for the baby all by yourself. Your partner likely only works for around 8 or 9 hours per day, so there's no reason why he cannot help with his baby to give you a rest for a couple of hours in the evening after work. Or if you're better with baby (as some young babies only ever want their mummies), he can spend a couple of hours every evening doing the cooking and laundry etc.

Just because you're on maternity leave, doesn't mean he doesn't have responsibilities to the household and as a parent. You need a break too, as you're working longer hours than he is right now.

That said, I do believe that as he's going out to work, he shouldn't be doing the night time stuff with baby. I never ever expected my DH to do any night time baby things at all. I also wouldn't expect your DH to look after baby whilst he's ill. Let DH get better first, then he can do his bit.

I think if he was WFH to use his commute time to be supporting you and your needs it wouldn't be a big deal to ask for it, but if you're asking him to WFH to watch the baby while you sleep, then I'm afraid that's unreasonable and probably a breach of his contract.

He should absolutely be sharing the nights with you though and like another PP said do it in shifts so someone is 7-1 and the other is 1-7. That way everyone is getting some sleep and if the baby sleeps through then what a bonus.

I've got this horrible flu and I've spent the day in and out of consciousness, laid up in bed, in pain, with DS also in bed with flu. It's taken more out of me than usual, and DS also doesn't sleep through the night, ever, yet I'd take normal night wakings over feeling like I'm close to the grave any day.

You need to tell DP that if he's well enough to work he's well enough to take on shifts for sleep with the baby.

But the baby isn’t sleeping. So she gets 0 sleep and he gets 100%?

no.

I disagree with this. Maternity leave doesn’t mean the woman takes on ALL childcare, otherwise what’s the point of the father? The father should step up when he’s home.

OP said she is normally happy doing night feeds, but in this case she’ll get no rest during the day either (unlike her DP who will get coffee and a lunch break!). He should step up, even if it’s just for 3 hours or so. I actually think (and luckily my DH agrees) that dads should be involved in at least one feed at night during the mad newborn phase. Otherwise it’s just so unbalanced and causes resentment.

I hope your baby feels better soon. As a mum currently holding my poorly 3MO I feel your pain! It’s awful seeing them suffer

He needs to put a shift in. I understand, he needs to be fit for work but you need to be fit to safely care for the baby in the day. It's both of your baby so both of you need to take a bit of a hit.
It's bollocks that you being on mat leave means all the responsibility for the baby is on you. You are both parents and this is called parenting.

@rrrrrreatt I wouldn’t expect him to care for baby whilst working from home. But if he did WFH, that would take away 3 hours commuting time where he could take the lead and I get at least a few hours of sleep to then care for baby again.

I am more than happy to take on nights normally, but it’s just in these scenarios where baby is restless or needs more care than usual I don’t know if I am being selfish asking for more support.

I am, and that is normally what happens. I take on everything baby-wise and he goes to work. He helps on weekends but there is no pressure on him during the week.

However, in this scenario I can’t sleep when baby does as each time he goes in his cot he is crying and is only comfortable laying on my chest or shoulder, so I need to stay awake for baby to rest properly. That’s the only reason I am wanting more support in this situation, because I will have 0 sleep until my partner gets home from work tomorrow evening

I only suggest with so that we aren’t doing it alone for the first time. It’s the first time he has been sick and it’s tough seeing him in pain and crying but I also understand there’s no point both of us being tired which is why I haven’t said anything to my partner about it and he is sleeping.

I do get opportunities to rest when he gets home from work. But in this scenario I will be up all night and all day tomorrow with baby until he gets home and the only reason I wish he could take on a little bit of the responsibility. Usually I would not have an issue with our set up

The understanding is while on maternity leave I handle baby / home and he goes to work. He’ll wash bottles for me when he gets home and both of us share cooking, but he doesn’t do any other housework, I handle all of that. Which is fine, but this is not a typical scenario our baby is sick so I feel that requires some extra support out of the normal set up, or am I wrong for thinking that?

I am not expecting him to WFH and care for baby at the same time, but if he is to WFH he doesn’t have commute time so can either be with baby whilst I sleep for an hour or share some of the night with me and he can sleep in later. It also means I have another 1.5 hours when he would normally be commuting home to get rest in. I would still take on the responsibilities of baby and leave him to work.

How can she sleep when she baby does if the baby will only sleep on her?
The only thing you can do is either get a family member round to help as long as baby is comfortable with them so you can sleep while they mind the baby or as soon as your partner is home tomorrow they look after the baby while you sleep for a while.
When my kids were small I did night waking with the kids Sunday to Thursday and he did the weekend. Your partner needs to be helping out more. It's called maternity leave, not mum does everything leave. Just as a matter of interest if you also get sick is your partner going to be looking after you and letting you sleep all night? He sounds pretty selfish.

Thank you. It is horrible and I hate seeing him in pain and uncomfortable. I hope your baby gets better soon too!!

Thank you. I will find a way through it even if it means 7 coffees through the night / day!! But I just wasn’t sure if it was selfish of me to want more or if my feelings were somewhat valid.

He can be extremely helpful / thoughtful sometimes but then other times he doesn’t think at all, and I don’t think he quite understands what it takes to care for a newborn around the clock.

I am not sure what the scenario is there. I brought it up yesterday to say what will we do if I catch your cold and he suggested having his parents come and help but it wasn’t a proper discussion. Just have to hope I don’t get sick!!

Of course it's better for both of them to have 50% sleep than one of them have 100% and the other not sleep at all!
It doesn't need to be 50/50 for night wakes normally but her partner needs to give her a few hours respite while the baby won't be put down to sleep at the moment.

JFC. Just get on with it.

If you’re going to be rude then don’t bother offering your input.

Practical wise, get your babies pram slightly tilted and go for a walk as that may help them sleep and once asleep, they may stay asleep.

Secondly, sleep in shifts, you sleep 7_12 and he does 12-7 or similar.

Thirdly, Co sleep with baby. They may not need to be totally on you, next to you might be enough once asleep.

Fourthly, calpol plug in and baby vicks in the feet.

I agree if he’s working you should be doing it. But presumably he’s not working 7 days so on his days off it should be shared.
We had a terrible sleeper, I would go to bed at 7pm, dh would stay up until midnight and deal with baby. So I would sleep 7-12 plus any extra sleep I managed to grab and dh slept 12-7 . On a weekend we would each get a lay in til 10am.

well you're a delightful specimen aren't you

Why would you both be awake? If you’re on maternity leave and he’s going back to work 100% you should be the one up!! It’s madness to suggest you need help in doing this!

I know that if it was my dh he’d rush home from work, pick up dinner on the way, heat it up, take baby from me and send me to bed for a few hours. He wouldn’t want to see me struggle. Your dh needs to step up.
did you ‘look after’ him when he was unwell? Allow him to rest, bring him tablets, food?