Partner sleeping when baby is sick

[NewMummy1999]

I’m a new parent to a 2 month old. My partner has been off work the past 2 days sick, and now my baby has caught his cold/flu and is unwell. Every time I lay him in his cot, he wakes up crying and will only sleep comfortably on mine / my partners chest.

My partner is planning to return to work tomorrow, so I am staying up with baby. I understand his need for sleep, but I can’t help feel that with it being our first child and his first time being sick, I wish we were sharing the load together rather than me doing it all alone. I also think he doesn’t realise that whilst he goes to work, I am with baby all day still sick so won’t be getting any rest in the day and will essentially have 24+ hours without sleep.

He never normally does anything during the night. I take on all of the night feeds, all of the wake ups and soothing back to sleep, nappy changes etc. He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work, which I understand most of the time but sometimes I think that’s a selfish viewpoint especially in this situation where our baby is sick for the first time and he is the one that has given it to him!!

I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails.

I don’t know. Am I selfish for wanting more support - wishing he would stay up with me for a while or offer to share the night and WFH another day?

Shaming me for wanting help in looking after my first child who is ill for the first time is kind of crazy - from his dad mind you!!!! Why should he get to go to bed at 10pm whilst I stay up the entire night? He is going to work but I am looking after a newborn all day so why is it only he gets to rest?

When he comes home at 6 or 7 have dinner and you go to bed. You try to sleep till 12 and after that he goes to sleep. Thats the only way it will work. No point you both awake at the same time but split the night.

He wasn’t bed ridden with illness, he had a head cold. I always will take care of him when ill as much as I can, as well as still doing all the feeds during day & night and anything baby related. He helped when he wanted to as he got more time with baby being home. But yes he spent the two days on the sofa resting with Lemsip.

Sorry but I do think your husband needs to sleep. He's been sick too, he is going back to work, and there is no point everyone being awake all night.

Yes it's a bit shit but there will be down times when your baby sleeps, so you will be able to get some rest. You also don't have to prove anything to anyone, and can watch Netflix all day with a tea and biscuits, and baby on your lap. He has to answer to his colleagues and manager!

He can take over 1 night during the weekend if your baby is still sick by then.
It won't be the last time either! Young kids get sick all the time, it will get much worse when/if you get back to work.

It's really tough OP. Try to catch up on sleep in the evenings and weekends when he's at home. He should definitely be helping overnight at weekends but maybe not in the week when he's working.

Why is baby “in pain” .. what if the actually sickness, and how are you treating it ?

I totally get why you want him to WFH with regards to the 3 hour commute, technically that’s 3 hours he could have baby whilst you catch up on sleep.

In our house DH would have had the baby 7pm-11pm so I could get a chunk of sleep in and then we’d swap, I’d do 11pm-5am, and then DH would be up for the day and I’d go back to bed until 7am when he needed to start getting ready for work. Yes he needs sleep to work but that shouldn’t be 100% at your expense and he’ll cope on 6 hours. Bottle feeding though, it my be harder of breastfeeding and there’s no point both of you being awake.

He has a cold, full of mucus and it hurts when he coughs as he always cries after.

I can’t do much to treat it as he hasn’t had his doctor check up so can’t use calpol yet. Looked at calpol plug in but it says 3+ months and he is 2 so my partner didn’t feel comfortable using it yet.

Phone your GP and ask. Babies are given paracetemol from their first day in the hospital if it is needed. We have one paediatrician who is quite liberal with prescribing it for babies who have had a traumatic delivery and are grumpy little monkeys as a result.

Look into safe co-sleeping on the Lullaby trust. It is hard to get baby back in the cot when they are sick, but "sliding them down" on the mattress next to you is a technique to master as soon as possible!

I know the idea of co-sleeping can be daunting with your first if that's not something you had considered, but it will allow you and your baby to get some rest.

It depends. If you will tag team and sleep while he looks after baby then that’s sensible. If you are one of these people who wants someone to take a ‘shift’ but then stays up as well so both are up, then that’s silly.

I did want to co-sleep for the night, but the Lullaby trust says not to if anybody in the bed smokes / vapes, and my partner vapes. I decided against it especially with baby being poorly.

Argh so sorry your DC is unwell, OP.

DP recently gave our 11mo and I Covid, so I feel your pain! I fed baby to sleep while sitting upright, then laid her down once she was asleep and lay down next to her - she was finding our usual side-lying feeding position difficult due to all the snot 😂 If you have a bedsharing setup you’re comfortable with, I’d look at doing that, if baby will sleep alongside you. There are resources online about safer chest sleeping - try the cosleeping subreddit? - but I’ve never done that myself.

Of course you’re not crazy to ask your partner for help and to WFH to save the commute time. PPs are obviously used to a different dynamic where the woman does everything to do with the child and the man gets his beauty sleep 😂

I do everything overnight for DC, but that just involves sticking her on the boob a few times while bedsharing, so it’s no problem!

Hope DC is feeling better soon.

ETA: DC and I typically sleep in a separate room to DP, as he gets up early for work. I wouldn’t have a baby in bed with a smoker either OP. I’d also be super cautious if baby was exposed to smoke during pregnancy. It’s tricky!

I think he should do something like 7pm (or whenever he gets home until about midnight) and you sleep then you are in charge of the baby early hours while he gets enough sleep for work though I agree if he could WFH tomorrow and save the commute that would be good too

Thank you. That doesn’t sound great at all!! I hope you’re both recovered and well.

He normally loves to nap on his side curled into me, but that position was no good for him last night and the only position he would settle is either over my shoulder or on my chest. Whenever I moved him whether on me or into his cot he would begin crying. I will read into chest sleeping and make a decision there - thank you!!

Thank you lol. I am only asking for one night of leeway given the circumstances which I didn’t think was too bad but apparently is!

I think that's when the compromise comes in then, can your partner sleeps somewhere else whilst your baby is sick?

At some point we got a spare mattress for my husband in the living room. Not the best sleep of his life, but overall better for everyone...

I suggested he stay on the sofa for the night as it also meant we wouldn’t disturb him being up all night, but he said he wouldn’t sleep well in the lounge so wanted to stay in bed. At this point I didn’t want to argue and get worked up!!

My husband gets up at 5.30 for work so after paternity leave I've just left him to sleep over night but when the baby isn't sleeping, I try and go to bed straight after dinner. Then he has the baby for a few hours while I sleep before going to bed himself. Normally a little later than he usually would. Maybe you could take 'shifts' while the baby is poorly? And make sure you get a lay in over the weekend. I hope you're little one gets better soon, and you don't catch it xX

I definitely would’ve but baby didn’t get worse and restless until about 9pm and husband wanted to go to bed at 10. I will definitely be going to bed as soon as he gets in today.

Thank you. I really hope I don’t too!!

In this case, I'd personally go up to bed and get a solid few hours in when he gets home. At least then you have had a rest on your own to prep for the night ahead.
It won't last forever. It feels like it at the time, I remember it well! Lack of sleep is horrible, but you will get through it. Hopefully your baby will be feeling better in a few days and you can go back to the normal routine.

He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work

Oh dear. You’ve had a baby with ‘one of these men’. I’d stake your turf now, OP, and stand firm.

Your maternity leave means instead of working at your employment, you are child-rearing. Not 24hrs of every day. During the hours of his work, you are childcare. During the hours he is back from work, you are 50/50 childcare, day and night, because both of you are baby’s parents.

Sleep deprivation while you’re working? So sad, too bad. He shouldn’t have opted to be a parent then.

I'd be careful bandying around that sentiment. It will be awful when she hears it back.

Have you tried the Snuffle babe vapour oil? It can be used from birth. Saline nose drops can also help.

She need to sleep too or she’ll get sick though. He had a cold, he can deal with getting a bit less sleep while his partner has a few hours.

I’m a bit baffled by the responses that seem to think that childcare falls entirely on the mum at night, as if she doesn’t also need to be awake and alert looking after a newborn in the day! A woman on maternity leave has just as much of an important job as the dad might. She also may not be able to sleep when the baby sleeps, or even eat or drink coffee during the day. Sitting and eating biscuits in front of the tv is fine (if she can do it!) but if she’s been awake 24 hours and is falling asleep then the baby is at risk if being held.

Suggestions that he goes to bed at midnight and she sleeps from 7 while he looks after the baby are great ones and not putting the man at risk of sleep deprivation at all